No Will Power aka Mindless Eating

Yesterday I went to Dunkin to pick up a breakfast sandwich for dinner.  Not the healthiest post-workout meal but I had 30 minutes after teaching my class to get changed and get to an event.  Eating in my car and frequent visits to drive thru lanes are bad habits I know.

Well Dunkin had a deal where you could get 2 breakfast sandwiches for $5.  So almost 1/2 price.  When the cashier asked me if I wanted to get 2, of course I said yes.  Thinking about the money that I was saving and that I already had my post-workout meal ready for the next day when I would have a similar time crunch. 

So now I’ve doubled down on my bad decision.  I have followed up 2 calorie-scorching sessions with meals that most likely undo all my hard work.  When people say they can’t believe I’m not thin even though I work out so much I spout bullshit about metabolism and bad genes but the reality is I have terrible eating habits and no will power.

So fast forward to today.  I teach class and then eat my 2nd breakfast sandwich as I run into a meeting.  There are donut holes and fruit on the table.  I gorge myself on fruit and only eat 3 donut holes.  I eat a sensible salad for lunch. 

When I get home at the end of a long day I watch Netflix as I fold laundry.  I snack on some iced animal cookies mindlessly while I do this.  My husband makes dinner and sets a full plate in front of me that matches his.  I think for a moment that this is way too much food for me and that I should put some of it away for later.  Of course this is not what I do.  I clean my plate.  Even though halfway through I am satisfied and by the end I am struggling to finish the last couple bites. 

My husband is significantly taller than me.  There is no reason we should ever be eating the same portion sizes.  I workout a lot and he doesn’t. I often justify our twin eating because I burn more calories than him and need the extra fuel.  This is such bs.  We are both eating way too much food.  We are mindlessly eating and it is preventing both of us from losing weight. 

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions.  Every year I find myself trying to reinvent myself and every year I seem to manage to fail in this area.  

Moderation is a Dirty Word

I’m not sure why it is so difficult for me to do anything in moderation.  I complain that people say I have a bottomless pit for a stomach.  That I always clean my plate and everyone else’s plate.  This has basically been my claim to fame amongst family and friends since I was a little kid.  I get offended by this and then proceed to do exactly what they said I would do.  Sometimes the food doesn’t even taste good and I’m thinking that I only have a few bites to go through to get to the end.  Maybe I don’t want to offend someone if they’ve prepared a meal, or I don’t want to waste food that I’ve paid for.  Or I like the attention, even though it’s negative.  I don’t know.  Either way, my waistline isn’t getting any smaller and no matter how many miles I run in a week, the 1000 extra calories that go to 2^nd helpings and dessert aren’t helping. 

Holding Strong at 3 weeks!

So I have managed to maintain my 3 lb weight loss for 2 straight weeks at home.  I'm still riding the high of spending a week with a bunch of fit and positive people.  I feel like I've been a better fitness instructor since I came home.  Like my passion has been reignited.  So how can I make this part-time fitness and wellness thing a full-time gig?  Or, more realistically, how can I carry the positive energy that I get out of fitness into the other aspects of my life?  

My goal for this week is to lose 2 lbs.  I'm psyched that I maintained weight loss but I'm no where near my goal weight.  I know what I need to do to maintain my weight.  What I need to figure out is what I need to do to lose weight at home.  Maybe it won't work but for now I'm going to try to maintain this 3 week trend that I've kicked off (1 strict week followed by 2 maintenance weeks).  

Let's not call this a diet, but a new way of life.  

My Own Biggest Loser Week

I just got back from a week long fitness convention in Florida.  This is the third one that I have attended but definitely the most positive experience that I have ever had.  There is nothing more motivating than a few thousand fitness professionals and the best instructors in the world at a beautiful destination resort.  

I lost 3 pounds during the past week.  To those of you who are dedicated to your diet and exercise and lose 3-5 lbs every week this might not seem like a lot.  But to someone like me whose weight plateaued a long time ago, this is amazing.  

I know that working out several hours a day and eating lots of small meals between my workouts was key.  This along with the variety of workouts that I was doing and the fact that I was getting a good night of sleep every night.  These are all things that seem like they could be modified to fit into my real life. Because I had a large dinner out with dessert and a glass of wine every night.  I didn't feel deprived.  My digestive issues were better.  My energy still had dips in the afternoon but it was definitely more stable.  

I am terrified that those 3 pounds will be right back next Sunday when I weigh myself.  But there is a little voice in my head that tells me that this could be my jump start.  This could be my biggest loser week.  I spent a week at the ranch and learned what works for me.  Now I just have to figure out how to make things work now that I'm back home with all the responsibility and stress that come with work and family.  

I think its also important to point out that my attitude was much better than it normally is.  I was surrounded by people of all races, ages and sizes.  Sure, there were plenty of size 2 "fitness models" walking around but there were just as many curvy (or dare I say fat) fit folks walking around.  And no one said anything bad to them.  Everyone accepted that they were instructors and had just as much right to be there as everyone else.  

I found myself walking around in my swimsuit top and shorts or in my swimsuit and a t-shirt.   I would never do that at home.  The moment I am out of the pool, I am wrapped from head to toe in a beach towel and hustling my way into the locker room.  Maybe I need to stop doing that.  Maybe if I pretend to be confident and comfortable in my own skin, I'll start to feel like it. Maybe this is the beginning of me loving me just a little more than I care about what other people think about me.

My Relationship with Food

I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food.  I use it as a reward after a long workout or a hard day.  I use it as a crutch when I'm in a situation that makes me nervous.  I eat when I'm bored.  I eat when I'm sad.  I eat when I'm happy.  I'm definitely an emotional eater. 

Due to potential allergic reactions, I've been forced to clean up my diet over the past year.  Dairy and gluten are a much smaller part of my diet than they used to be.  I eat more veggies and less sweets.  I still allow myself indulgences but nothing like how I used to eat.  I definitely feel better when I eat better. 

I still have moments of weakness when I'm craving the really bad stuff that I used to eat.  I eat it and within minutes I start to feel sick.  My body is getting used to the healthier choices.  It is not taking the bad food.  

I'd love to say that the solution is curing my unhealthy relationship with food but I don't think that is realistic.  I think that I need to find new indulgences that aren't going to make me sick.  I'm never going to sit down with a bag of carrots and hummus instead of a bowl of ice cream but there has to be something in the middle.  

I recently met someone who lost half of herself on Weight Watchers.  She used to be 300+ lbs and is now a very trim 150 lbs.  When we go out to dinner she is extremely disciplined.  She never gets the items with heavy sauce.  Nothing fried.  No desserts.  I asked her what her food indulgences were.  She said that she craved nuts.  That in uncontrollable moments she could eat an entire jar of peanuts.  I looked at her like she was crazy.  She talked about peanuts like I talk about ice cream and Chinese buffet.  

Clearly that wasn't her splurge when she weighed 300 lbs.  How did she make that switch?  How come people have to become morbidly obese to make major life changes that stick?  Why can't those of us who need to drop 30 lbs go through the same transformation?

When I'm craving something bad I need to remember how I feel now.  Dizzy, noxious, bloated, tired, etc.  I need to remind myself that no piece of pizza is worth being sick for the next 12 hours.  That a long workout might burn 2000+ calories but that doesn't give me an excuse to indulge in double that afterwards.  Sigh.  I might have just eaten my last egg roll.  

65 Days and Green with Envy

Social media is making me jealous.  I used to have a lot of friends who were curvy and fit like me.  Now they are all skinny and uber fit and I'm on the only curvy one left.  Sure, I have plenty of friends who are obese and inactive but I don't want to be lumped into that category. 

Two of my curvy friends starting taking Zumba classes.  I encouraged them because I love Zumba and it turned my life around 5 years ago.  So of course now they go non-stop and have lost tons of weight.  They know have their own clique of front row divas and know as many instructors as I do.  At least they could have lost weight by attending my classes.  No, that would have sucked more. Nevermind.    

A handful of other friends starting running.  I have been running road races for 20+ years.  It is my time to meditate and reflect.  Even though sometimes my body hates it, my brain is always in the mood to run.  I always recommend running to people because it's cheap; a pair of shoes and a sports bra and you're good to go.  Of course they all now do road races regularly and are much faster than I am. 

I know I should be happy for them but I feel like everything that defines me has been hijacked by other people.  So you've been doing something that I love for a short period of time and are better at it than me.  Awesome.  Please show me another picture of yourself in your bra top and your short shorts winning your age group.  I know.  It's childish.  

The reality is that they were all bigger than me and now they are all smaller than me and it pisses me off.  They were all more disciplined than I have every been about my diet and exercise and, as a result, they have seen amazing results.  I can't be jealous that they worked hard and got rewarded in the end.  But I am.  I am happy for them (to their faces) but my insides are boiling inside and with every happy post I just want to punch the computer screen.  

I know.  If I were happy with me I wouldn't be so jealous of them.  If I tried harder and was proud of my accomplishments I wouldn't waste so much time obsessing over theirs.  Believe me, I would never admit to being this shallow to outside of this blog.  I am pretty ashamed of myself. 

I'd like to believe that this will motivate me.  That the chance to one-up the people who accidentally one-upped me by getting their shit together will be the final piece to motivate me but I doubt it.  Somewhere within me is the motivation.  I just need to find it. And do squats instead of logging onto Facebook.  

Finding a Happy Diet Place

During the past few weeks I have gained back most of the weight that I lost this year.  It's hard not to beat myself up for this.  Yes, I could have made better food choices when I was on vacation.  Yes, it is unreasonable to expect to maintain my weight when I spend a week sick in bed after a week traveling.  Yes, some of the weight will come off once I get back into my routine.  Yes, there is still a lot that I need to work on.

I have been struggling with severe IBS since my late 20's.  I have had limited success with gluten and dairy free diets but I have not stuck to anything long term. I have made a lot of changes to my diet but I still have a long way to go.   If my digestive system were more predictable I would feel better over all.  All the science in the world shows that losing just a little weight will lead to improvements in almost every area of my life from sleep to physical endurance to joint pain and injury.  

I have tried different diet plans hoping to find a silver bullet that would fix everything with minimal effort from me.  The reality is that I have picked up great things from every plan that I have tried but haven't committed to real change.  The moment a couple pounds come off I get comfortable and slowly slip back into my old ways.  I have nothing bad to say about any of the diet plans.  If my mind were in the right place, any of them could have put me on the right path.

With Nutri System I learned portion control.  I didn't have to eat an entire burger to feel satisfied.  No one was going to gawk at me for taking half of my food home from a restaurant.  Eating mail order food for the rest of my life isn't realistic but having all my meals and snacks prepared ahead of time was huge for me.

Weight Watchers taught me that there was a price for the high calorie foods that I loved.  The point values made it clear that a 5 point splurge at lunch wasn't worth it if I didn't have enough points left for dinner.  No eating all the veggies you want isn't exactly exciting but it's easier to choke down those veggies if you're saving those points for a bowl of ice cream later.

The 3-1-2-1 diet taught me about eating foods in the right combination to feel satisfied and have better energy during the day.  It also made it easier to behave when I knew cheat days were coming every 2-3 days.  Not feeling sluggish after a meal or bloated during a workout should have been enough incentive to maintain this plan long term.  

I saw a nutritionist for a while who taught me about portion control and eating the right things to support my body after a hard workout.  I was making meals and serving my husband and I the same amount even though we are no where near the same height and weight.  I was also rewarding myself after a workout with a lot more calories than I had burned.

I saw a holistic doctor who reviewed my medical history and recommended that I try gluten or dairy free diets.  I learned that I have sensitivities to both.  Nothing as significant as someone with Celiac's disease but I have permanently replaced some of my staples with dairy and gluten free products.  I can still eat some of the foods that I love but when I overindulge I pay for it.

Yesterday I started The 21 day tummy from Reader's Digest.  I am trying to reduce my dependence on prescription medicine and supplements and have a healthier gut.  I am also trying to get down to a healthy weight and maintain that weight.

I planned all my meals and snacks for the week.  I went grocery shopping.  I separated all my meals and snacks into ziploc bags and rubber maid containers.   I know what I should order from restaurants.  I will not use work meetings and my weekend trip as excuses to binge eat.  I will have non-food rewards to celebrate my successes.  I will continue to employ time and stress management practices.  I don't think I will ever completely separate myself from emotional eating but I can get a better handle on things.  

#100 Days of Me

All over social media people have been doing these 100 days of something.  They post a picture (or several) daily and describe how it relates to their goal.  I have seen 100 days of selfies to learn to love yourself, 100 days of running/working out to get into shape, 100 days of healthy eating and, my favorite, 100 days of happy. 

In 100 days of happy, people focus on one thing that they have done that day that has made them happy.  The goal being to focus on something positive even if you've had a really awful day.  At the end of the 100 days you have a better outlook on life and keep looking for those bright moments even after the 100 days.  

I'm not having a bad year but I am in a bit of a rut.  I don't really like my job any more but I don't know if there is a job out there that would make me just as happy and have all the same benefits.  I've heard a lot of entrepreneurs say that if you can't find the job you love you should create it.  That's easy to say when you don't have a mortgage to pay but there is definitely some truth in that. 

I have a flexible schedule.  My bosses keep very loose tabs on all of us.  I could do so much more with my job than I am now without anyone batting an eye.  Maybe 10 hours of my work week are defined outside of meetings.  What I do with those other 30 hours is totally up to me.  What I usually do is half-ass work that isn't a priority and dabble in several hobbies without any major commitment or focus to any one thing.  Being a fitness instructor is what I really spend most of my time on but, to be honest, I half-ass my prep for that sometimes too.  

So in my 100 days of me I'm going to try and find myself.  I'm going to do things that feed my soul and help me to be happy again.  Maybe this journey will show me what my dream job is.  Maybe I'll find enough joy outside of my professional career that it will balance what I don't like about my job.  Maybe I'll realize that the problem isn't the job, it's me.  

The fact that I'm even going on this journey shows how much healthier I am than I was not too long ago.  I am still a work in progress but I have done more this year to improve myself than I have in a long time.  I seem to trend towards the negative in this blog so I'm going to end by patting myself on the back and reveling in my accomplishments:

1. I added strength training to my workout regiment and started paying more attention to what I eat.  I have lost 8 lbs and 12.5 inches since December and my BMI and Body fat percentage are on the decline.  Admittedly I have had some slip ups where 1-3 lbs of this weight back on after traveling but overall I am trending down and I know what to do to keep moving in the right direction. 
2. My husband and I started going to a marriage counselor to learn to communicate with each other better and to deal with issues from our past that affect how we interact with each other and the world. 
3.  I am wearing more fitted clothing to enjoy my body as it is now and stop focusing on all the parts that I don't like.  Am I learning what clothes to wear to accentuate the good (and camouflage the bad) and holding my head a little higher when I walk past a mirror.   

The Voices in My Head

Whenever I'm getting in my own way with negative self talk, I like to watch "feel good" reality shows on demand.  For me this means weight loss or make over shows.  When I'm down on myself for having 2 pumpkin pie and white chocolate chip cookies (so delicious) and ready to throw the whole day in the trash I need perspective.  Because of one slip I'm ready to go over the edge and these shows bring me back.  

There is something about seeing someone who has a lot more shit to work through than me that helps me. Should I be eating cookies when I've already had my sweat cheat for the day?  No.  Is it the end of my healthy new lifestyle and attitude.  No.   After not meeting a weight goal or eating a little too much when out with friends the people on my TV hop right back on the wagon.  Granted, they have cameras in their face and millions of people like me at home watching, but still, they persevere.  

They don't over analyze why they reached for the cookies in the first place or decide to eat 8 more cookies to wallow in their mistake.  They just shake it off and move on.  They maintain a positive attitude whether even though they may have 100 or 200 pounds to lose.  Because they are celebrating the journey that they decided to take to better health.  This is about the war, not every single battle.  My husband is very good at reminding me to get out out my head and to stop sabotaging myself.  I'm so glad that I married such a glass is half full guy. Honestly, sometimes it's hard for me to even see the glass!

Starting a new eating plan one week before Christmas was ambitious enough.  I'm going to do my best to make good food choices and get my workouts in this week.  But if I don't meet all my goals and the scale isn't my friend Sunday morning I'm going to leave this week in the past and start fresh next week.

So what did I do today?  I made a freezer full of healthy high protein and fiber smoothies to last me the next few days, baked spinach chips for snaking and ate more vegetables and fruits than normal.  Tomorrow is another day but today isn't all that bad after all.     

A New Year's Resolution Comes Early

So here we are again.  Another epiphany.  Another chance to redirect my life.  I tell myself that this time is going to be different.  That I'm not going to be lazy.  That I'm going to pay attention to my diet.  That I'm going to be the me that everyone seems to think that I am.  And maybe it will stick this time.  Maybe I will finally break through my own bad habits and get my shit together once and for all.  But really what is different this time?  Why am I going to be successful now when I never have before?  I don't know the answer but I feel like I'm ready to figure it out. 

I am a contradiction.  I weigh a little over 200 lbs.  I am 5'6" tall.  I am obese by any chart that look at.  My stomach and inner thighs are where I carry all my weight.  My calves and quads are solid.  When I flex, my biceps and triceps are impressive.  I teach Zumba and water aerobics.  I run half marathons.  People pay me to help them exercise and lose weight.  People look up to me.  I have helped people lose weight and develop healthy habits.  

Let me be clear that there is nothing wrong with being a curvy, fit girl.  I know and admire a lot of them.  Being skinny doesn't mean that you're healthy and being thick doesn't make you unhealthy.  But I know that this weight is unhealthy for me.  My joints are dying under the excess weight.  The typical injuries that I used to experience from working out are taking longer to heal.  Granted, my training isn't what it used to be (another thing I'm working on) so I'm more susceptible to injuries but the weight isn't helping.  

My blood pressure is normal.  I don't have diabetes.  I have never had a bad stress test, blood test or any other major medical condition to push me into a lifestyle change.  I know that this is because of luck.  Almost everyone in my extended family has diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure or another obesity related ailment.  I have seen them suffer because they refused to make changes in their lives.  I know eventually my luck will run out and my genes and my bad habits will win out.  That should be enough to motivate me but it hasn't been in the past. 

I am a very anxious person.  I obsess over what other people think of me all the time.  My anxiety gives me panic attacks and heart palpitations.  As I have gotten older I have become more nervous.  I know that this is because I am not balanced.  That if I were happy with myself and my life that no one could shake my confidence.  I think back to a time when I did yoga every morning and planned out my day.  When I wrote in my journal every night and stretched and practiced deep breathing exercises before bed.  I would plan out my day, my week, hell sometimes my month.  I was prepared for life and being prepared made me relaxed enough to enjoy it.  I didn't stop being this person all at once but gradually, I lost her and became that basket case that I am now.  

I recognize that I might not be able to fix everything on my own.  That if I don't start to feel better emotionally or if I feel like I continue to stand the way of my own success that I might need professional help.  I am ready to say that it doesn't make me weak to need help from someone else.  My number one priority is me. Whatever shame I have previously attached to professional help is gone now.  It is more important that I become healthy; my pride is going to have to get over itself. 

I have gained about 30 pounds in the past nine years.  My husband has gained about the same amount during that time.  Normally I go on these life changing missions on my own with the support of my husband but not the participation.  But this time he feels as bad about himself as I do about myself.  He misses the healthy body that he used to have.  So when I mentioned buying a diet book and trying to change our lives he was on board. 

I have bought celebrity diet books in the past.  I have done Nutri System.  I was on Weight Watchers.  But all of those offered short term success.  I eventually went back to my old habits. I never tried to make any big changes.  After I saw a few pounds drop off I gradually went back to my old ways and put the weight back on.  All of these diets/plans work great for other people. There is nothing wrong with any of them.  The problem was that I wasn't committed to changing my life.  That is why I wasn't successful.  I am ready now.  

So I picked up Dolvett's 3-2-1 Diet book this week.  And tomorrow we start the rest of our lives as a healthy couple.  I'm not going to get pre-packaged food delivered for the rest of my life.  I'm not going to count points.  I'm just going to change my habits and pull it together.  Easy right?

New Life Resolutions Revisited

Why is change so hard?  I've done Weight Watcher's and Nutri System, both with some success, but in the end abandoned both as not realistic in the long term.  Six weeks seems to be my limit for radical life change.  Supposedly after 6 weeks of anything your body adjusts to your new healthy lifestyle and things get easier.  Apparently my body didn't get that memo.  After 6 weeks all I want to do is go back to the comfortable habits I had before. 

As I creep back up to 200 lbs after successfully hitting a low of 186 recently, I am trying to give myself a come to Jesus moment.  Unfortunately, I have been here before.  I have an epiphany every week and swear I'm going to be better but it never seems to stick.  I'm not beating myself up.  I'm not throwing in the towel.  Per my New Year's Manifesto, I am determined to figure it out this year. 

Weight- I need to plan my meals like I did when I was on weight loss programs.  I am not good at making something healthy on the fly.  I need to fill my house with enough healthy options for a week so that it is as easy to stick to my guns as when I did Nutri System.  If I have to go so far as measuring and separating out my meals into containers that's what I'll do.  Diabetes, thyroid disease, high blood pressure, etc are all knocking on my door.  I have to get the weight off for good this time. 

Exercise- I have been very good with running but not much of anything else.  I will be a better runner if I make a effort to stretch and tone my body more.  Yoga and strength training are activities that I love but rarely make time for any more.  My joints are aching.  I am injury prone and stressed.  I need to do this before I get an injury that prevents me from exercising at all.  Then I would really be depressed. 

I also need to practice my choreography more.  There is nothing that makes me happier than teaching Zumba but I need to stop with the last minute prep for class.  I had not being polished and feeling like I'm being judged for sloppy choreo.  I am a great dancer.  I need to be a great teacher as well. 

Sleep- This one is kind of out of my control.  I have been an insomniac my whole life.  I do know that sticking to a regular routine helps me sleep better.  So I need to develop a sleep ritual an stick to it.  If I started feeling rested I would be less stressed and have more energy to get through my day. 

Work- I used to be awesome at my job.  Then I got comfortable and let everything slide.  I continue to get praise and raises despite barely putting in 10 hours most weeks.  It's starting to catch up to me and I see an epic fail in my future if I don't pull it together.  I don't think my job is in jeopardy but my pride and my reputation are.  I need to make it clear that I am valuable and capable of being just as productive as I once was. I want to be a superstar at work again and stop cruising. 

Pets- I have more animal books, articles, knowledge than any sane person should.  I can go into someone else's house and quickly diagnose what their doing wrong with their pets and help them develop a plan to fix it.  Why I can't put that knowledge to work in my own life is a mystery to me.  I would be some much happier if my pets were balanced and well behaved.  It's not going to happen overnight but the hard work would be well worth getting rid of the guilt, stress and shame that I feel now. 

Marriage- I am very lucky to be married to my best friend.  Unfortunately sometimes we are more like best buddies than husband and wife.  I really need to make an effort to be a better wife and partner and not just a good roommate.  We have a great marriage but if we don't fix the little problems they may become big problems down the road.  I can't imagine anything worse than losing my soul mate.  My husband and I have already made a commitment to focusing on our issues this year.  I feel like we're going to hit this one out of the park. 

At some point this year I'd like to be able to:

• Walk my dog in my neighborhood. 
• Sit on the couch with my dog and cat.
• Stop shopping at Lane Bryant for clothes. 
• Run a 10 minute mile. 
• Sit and do a crossword puzzle before work or Zumba because I'm prepared and don't have to rush and do anything at the last minute. 
• Wake up and fall asleep next to my husband. 
• Be proud of myself. 

My Weight Watcher's Journey Begins

I feel like I have been struggling with my weight my whole life but, in reality, it has only been for the past 10-15 years.  I thought I was fat when I was kid because I developed early and my flat-chested, hip-less peers called me fat.  I wish I could tell that size 3 girl how awesome she was now.  The fact that I remember the names and situations of every time someone has called me fat or ugly in my life tells me this is where it all started.  Most of my relatives talk about weight non-stop.  Someone is always too fat or too skinny.  No one every asks how you are or about your job or family.  The first thing out of any one's mouth is "Wow you've gotten fat" or "You're finally starting to slim down".  Granted, about half of my family is morbidly obese and suffer from the medical problems that come with that so it is probably the focus of their lives as well.  I have always been active and fit, even as an overweight person, and have prided myself on not being diabetic or suffering from the other ailments that my relatives have.

A few years ago I went on Nutri System and lost 15lbs.  The moment I went off Nutri System I gained the 15 lbs back plus and extra 10.  I know that Nutri System worked for me because I didn't have to think.  I just had to grab a box out of the pantry and eat it.  It was expensive but it was easy.  I am a lazy person and I wasn't going through drive-thrus because there was finally something that was equally convenient.  But I didn't learn the right things to eat.  I didn't learn to control any of my cravings or bad habits.  I hadn't gained weight when I gave myself 2 cheat days a week so I got cocky.  Two cheat days became three, then dinner every night, then the diet was out the window and I was 211 pounds.

Once I became a zumba instructor 2 years ago I was able to bring my weight back down to 198.  I have maintained this weight for a while but it is still too heavy for my 5'6" frame and I don't feel good about the way that I look.  People have been talking about Weight Watchers for years but I never thought it was for me.  It sounded like a lot of work and the idea of going to meetings does not appeal to me at all.  But after hearing Jennifer Hudson and Charles Barkley interviewed about their weight loss by using Weight Watchers, I'll admit I was curious.  My husband and I joined the online program and I lost 10 lbs in 5 weeks.  I have not had a 18_ weight in 6 years. 

My excitement lasted for about a week but after two weeks of traveling for work I put 3 lbs back on.  Yes, I am still down 7 lbs but I am worried that it is all going to come back on.  My job involves a lot of time in my car, going to meetings and eating out.  There aren't always healthy food options available and/or time to exercise.  During the summer I am out of town for 2-3 days at a time a couple times a month on top of my normal 2-3 hour drives for meetings 1-4 times a month.  I was complaining to my husband and he immediately, and correctly, put me in my place.

He told me that being out of town for 3 days wasn't an excuse to throw everything out the window the other 4 days.  No, there aren't always healthy menu options but that doesn't mean that I have to go for the most unhealthy options.  Not to mention all the happy hour drinking and desserts.  And even if it's only 15 minutes, I can probably find time to work out if I'm not hung over or watching some stupid movie on HBO.  He was absolutely right.

As much as I don't want to admit it, losing weight is going to be work.  I can prepare my meals at the beginning of the week so that it can be as easy as Nutri System was.  I can work on my time management better so I'm not always running behind schedule and feeling unprepared.  I can find other outlets for my stress that don't involve food or sitting in front of a screen.  Lots of people that I work with are fit and make better meal choices when we got out.  There is no reason that I can't do the same. 

Next week I will be in Pittsburgh, one of my favorite cities.  The food and nightlife are amazing but I have to have some restraint.  I don't want to feel sick after a meal.  I want to love myself all the time, not just because of the way that I look but because of the way that I carry myself.  It felt so good to wear pants that have been in the back of my closet for 5 years.  I know that I can be successful if I just put a little more effort into it.

Birthday Restraint

I just celebrated my 35th birthday.  As always, my husband and I went out to dinner at a popular chain restaurant that serves obscene portions of yummy, bad-for-you food.  In preparation for this night, I was very careful with what I ate all day.  I ate lighter than normal.  I made sure I didn't load up on carbs.  I ate lots of fruits and veggies and mini-meals throughout the day.  I wanted to make sure I had plenty of room for all that food I knew I was going to eat.

I was able to eat a lot of food that night without completely gorging myself.  In the past I have made myself physically ill by eating too much.  I am happy to say that I didn't get to that point.  I didn't eat light by any means and definitely made myself a little uncomfortable with fullness but it passed quickly.  I also brought home enough leftovers for a couple of reasonably sized lunches. 

The big question is why can't I exercise this level of restraint every day? Why can't I spend all day being careful so I don't have to beat myself up if I have two tacos for dinner or a bowl of ice cream for dessert.  The anticipation of a splurge meal gave me more incentive to eat right than anything has in a long time.  I didn't feel hungry or like I was punishing myself. 

When I was on NutriSystem, I was careful to follow the plan throughout the day and at night I ate dinner with my husband.  He was not on NutriSystem so it was a regular dinner.  I tried to eat smaller servings at dinner but it was not an on program meal. I lost 15 pounds doing this. 

I am down 20 lbs from my highest weight but I probably have another 20 to go before I'm healthy.  I am at the weight where I always seem to plateau and then spike back up.  I have been this weight multiple times over the past few years but never for very long.  I am going to do my best to push myself through this wall that I keep hitting and find a new low in my weight loss journey.

I'm hoping my next birthday finds me in an even healthier place. 

Staying on the Wagon

I envy people who have the will power to change a bad habit and stick to their program. When I did Nutrisystem a couple years ago I was very dedicated for 2 months. I had a couple days a week where I ate whatever I wanted but outside of that I stuck to the program. I managed to lose 15 lbs and felt great. But once I went off Nutrisystem, I went back to my old eating habits and put the weight back on plus a few extra pounds.

I love food. I'm sure there is an emotional component to my eating but I genuinely enjoy the way food tastes. I watch all these weight loss shows and there always seems to be a traumatic event that triggered the person being overweight. I had a stressful child hood but I have always eaten an obscene amount of food; I don't think there was one event that put me over the edge. Even when I was kid I was known to my friends and family as the person who could put food away. Maybe that's it, just the attention that I get from eating.

People that I have known for a long time seem to be obsessed with what I'm eating. If I'm eating healthy they tease and ask me if I'm on a diet. If I'm gorging myself there is an equal amount of negative attention. Eating a grilled chicken salad just isn't as enjoyable as getting a big juicy burger but people rarely comment when I order the really unhealthy stuff. I know I could never be on Nutrisystem or a program like that for the rest of my life but I wonder if I would have stayed on it longer if my body would have gotten used to eating less food.

I know that portion control is a big part of it. I know that a small fry from McDonald's is just as delicious as a large fry but somewhere in my brain there is a switch that tells me I'm not going to be satisfied if I don't get the largest size. There are days when I make good choices all day and then gorge myself for dinner. I am out of town for work this week and find myself feeling sick because I ate too much or falling asleep during meetings because of the food coma.

I try to remind myself of the Kate Moss quote "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels" but my brain doesn't really believe it. I want to be one of those people that makes a life style change. I want to have a handle on my eating habits before I turn 35 this summer. I have a number of minor health problems that are either 100% caused by or totally aggravated by me being overweight.

I'd like to think that the self esteem boost that I would get from developing self control and being fit would be enough motivation for me but it hasn't been in the past. I will move forward and try to be better in the future and not harp on the past but it is much easier said than done.

That Girl

Once upon a time I was "that girl". The obnoxious one who spoke her mind. The athletic one who inspired people to work out. The funny one who was the center of attention and so on. One part of my brain is sad that I'm not that person any more and feels like a phony when anyone who knew me back then still treats me like I'm her. Another part of me feels incredibly jealous when I go into a situation where someone else is clearly "that girl". I'm jealous of her for being what I'm not but, at the same time, I hate her for taking the spotlight that I could have potentially held. Pretty messed up right?

Not too long ago I had sunk into a deep depression where I hated myself and the rut that I'd let myself get into. Over the past several months I've been climbing out of that hole and rebuilding my self esteem and my spirit. I feel good about myself a lot more than I used to but there are still times, in social situations, where I feel insecure because I'm around someone who clearly has herself together. In my mind everyone is noticing how confident and wonderful she is and comparing that to how uncool I am. I know that this happens in my head and not in reality but that doesn't stop the thoughts from entering my mind.

So now I'm in a position where I can take a huge step at becoming the me that I want to be. I can take over as a fitness instructor at a huge gym in my area. Yes, I became a fitness instructor a couple months ago with the hopes that it would encourage me to get in shape so I could inspire other people to get in shape. I thought I would have months to lose weight and develop my routines. I wasn't expecting this job opportunity to fall into my lap. But I'm a total hypocrite if I don't at least put in an application.

The best part of becoming a fitness instructor is seeing all the different types of people who are also instructors. There are people of all ages and sizes from all backgrounds. I was so nervous that I would be "the fat one" when I walked my size 16 butt into training and that people would question why I was there. What I found was a lot of people my size and larger who were active and great instructors. I didn't think for a second that one of these people weren't suitable instructors because of their weight so why would I think that anyone would do that to me?

I run regularly, I do yoga, I have a black belt in karate. Am I at my ideal weight right now? Absolutely not. Should I put my life on hold until I reach my ideal weight? Absolutely not. But I can get in front of a class and give people a great workout. I can suprise people who might judge me by my appearance by showing them how fit I actually am. I can inspire other people who are insecure to work out because I'm not some size 2 skinny girl who can't relate to what they are going through. I can do this.

Zumba

Almost 2 months ago, I posted a blog titled The Dream. In this blog I listed all the things that I wanted to accomplish in my life. The second thing that I listed in this blog was becoming a fitness instructor. I am happy to say that I have achieved this goal (well sort of).

I started studying karate in 1995 after my freshman year in college. I instantly fell in love with karate and worked hard to achieve the rank of second degree black belt. For almost 10 years karate was a regular part of my life. I loved working out and teaching classes and I loved being fit. When I moved to Syracuse, I couldn't find a karate school that suited me. There weren't any schools in my style locally so I stopped practicing regularly. Over the past 5 years I have tried new styles and have traveled 90 minutes away to the nearest dojo that taught my style. None of these worked out for me so I decided that, for now at least, I wasn't going to be able to practice karate. But I needed something to satisfy my spirit the way karate used to.

Last July I started taking Zumba classes. Zumba is latin-inspired dance fitness. If you like to go out dancing and you like to sweat a lot, I would highly recommend it. When I first heard about Zumba I thought it would be perfect for me. I love to dance and miss having people to go out dancing with. I have been taking aerobics classes since I was a kid and love group exercise. I studied abroad in Spain and Puerto Rico in college and earned a minor in Spanish because I love the culture. Well after one class I was hooked. It's like a dance party where you just let go and don't even realize all the calories you just burned (usually around 700 calories for an hour class according to my fitness watch).

This summer I started thinking about becoming a Zumba instructor. I already knew a lot of the dances by heart because I went to class so much and being a fitness instructor would inspire me to get back in shape. This weekend I attended training and officially became a Zumba instructor. I left the training feeling so inspired that I haven't been able to sleep at night because I keep planning my future in my head. I need to do a lot of work to learn the choreography well enough to teach it to other people but I know that I can do it.

Aside from the training being totally awesome I met a lot of fitness instructors who weren't Barbie-doll skinny and looked like normal people. It was really comforting to see that some of the women looked a lot like me. I felt really good about myself for the first time in a long time. My husband was so happy with my new found confidence that he decided to get back on the workout wagon and start going to the gym with me. Which of course means that I'll be more likely to go to the gym because there is someone else there to motivate me.

I have also found myself wearing cuter workout clothes this week. I'm not talking about anything inappropriate but there is no reason that I should be hiding my body in baggy t-shirts and sweatpants just because I'm overweight. I have been wearing clothes that show off my shape in a way that shows me that yes, I need to lose some weight, but that I can still be attractive at my current size.

I plan on working on my resume this week and applying to health clubs that don't have Zumba currently. I have been working on the choreography every night on my own and plan to continue attending my weekly Zumba classes as well. In a couple of weeks I think I will be a force to be reckoned with!

A couple of weeks ago I came to the realization that I weigh about 60 lbs more than I did when I graduated from high school 16 years ago and I felt really bad about myself. Now I'm focused on being healthy and loving myself. I'd love to lose a ton of weight but I'm not going to obsess over it and let it run my life any more.

Taking Back My Life

I accomplished most of the goals I set for myself last week. I ran four times. Even when my ankle was bothering me I did a brisk walk rather than skip my workout. I did 45 minutes of strength training- 2 in the gym and one at home. I only did 30 minutes of the 90 minutes of yoga I wanted to do and I didn't do my "bonus" workout. Normally I would write off the entire week and eat half a pie for not achieving every one of my goals. But I'm trying to focus on the positive.

I had work meetings for three days last week which means three meals a day out to eat, long hours and very little me time. So the fact that I got any workouts in at all is impressive. I do need to focus on making better food choices and not eating such large portions. I definitely eat out of habit/boredom rather than to actually satisfy my hunger. I'm going to focus on thinking about what I'm eating before I stuff my face.

I also need to make sure my day includes me time so that I'm not running around like crazy taking care of pets, the house or my husband. They aren't going to die if don't have dinner on the table until 6:30 pm. Honestly, I think I'll be much better company if I have a chance to decrompress from my day of work before I dive into domestic diva mode.

So 1 week down, 6 more to go. Supposedly that's how long it takes to develop a habit. I'm not going to worry about my weight or my measurements during this time. I'm just going to try to meet the goals that I've set for myself and if the scale doesn't budge then I'll have to re-evaluate my goals at that time. But I won't beat myself up. I will be proud of myself because even if I'm still 40 lbs overweight I'll feel much healthier and love myself a lot more.

The Biggest Loser

I am totally obsessed with all forms of weight loss, make over and surgery reality shows. My perfect show would start with someone losing 100 lbs, then having plastic surgery to remove the excess skin and then have a fabulous style and life makeover to fit their new healthy body. When the Biggest Loser first came out I was obsessed with the show. But, like most things, I have found that I don't enjoy it any more and the show has definitely lost its purpose.

What I don't understand is why people have to be kicked off these shows. What would be so terrible about letting everyone stay in the house and benefit from the expert advice for as long as they can? You have a better chance of teaching these people how to lead healthy lives if you have them for 12 weeks rather than 1 weeks. Then they can take what they've learned home to their families. If I got kicked off the first week on the show and still had 100 lbs to lose I would feel like I was no better off then when I first started. What had they taught me? That I wasn't fit or popular enough as the other fat kids so I needed to go home? Well that's a great self esteem boost. These people know they are a mess. That's why they come to the show. And you just confirm that they are not good enough by kicking them off and telling them to go it on their own. Well if they could go it on their own they wouldn't have needed to sign up for the show!!

If no one got kicked off, the show would still reward the person with the most significant weight loss but it would get rid of the popularity factor. Alliances are formed every season and people are often kicked off the show because people don't like them or are threatened by them. These are people who have been ridiculed for most of their lives and feel horrible about themselves and all this show does is turn contestants into the same jerks that used to ridicule them. I find myself routing against many of the contestants by the end of the show because they have become such miserable people.

I remember in the earlier seasons that everyone was pulling for the success of all of the participants. Yes, it was still a competition but more importantly it was about not being morbidly obese and taking control of your life. Even the trainers have turned into children, forming cliques with certain contestants, talking about other contestants behind their backs. It is just sad. And the overly staged product placement is completely out of hand. Clearly you are making a ton of money off endorsements. You don't have to shove it in our faces so shamelessly.

And why isn't there a therapist on this show? No one gets to be morbidly obese and doesn't have any emotional issues that caused it. By treating the symptom (being fat) and not the cause you are just setting that person up for failure long term. I remember seeing an Oprah Show several years back about people who had developed new addictions after having gastric bypass surgery. There were sex addicts, alcoholics, compulsive gamblers, etc. The bottom line was that whatever had caused their food addiction or emotional eating in the first place had not been cured. I've heard that you're not ready to tackle any diet plan unless you can truthfully answer these three questions: Why are you overweight? Why do you want to lose weight? and Why haven't you been able to maintain weight loss in the past? Without showing the contestants and the viewers at home that losing weight is more than just starving yourself and working out they are setting everyone up for failure.

The saddest part of all of this is that many of the former winners and contestants who lost a lot of weight have gained the weight back. Because the show didn't teach them how to maintain a healthy diet and exercise program for life. It taught them how to eat much less most normal people eat and then has them work out for 4-8 hours a day. There is no job, no family, no responsibilities to schedule your eating and workouts around. No taste of any of the factors that derail us in the real world. They don't talk about these failures on the show. They just keep bringing back the successful losers to motivate the current losers with the illusion that what they are doing at the Biggest Loser ranch will translate to real life. It's not much of a reality show at this point.

44 seconds

So my recent visits with friends who have successfully lost tons of weight definitely dinged my self esteem. Not one of my friends noticed that I had lost weight because they were focused on planning their weddings and having babies. And realistically, my body hasn't changed that much even though I've dropped 15 pounds. A size 14 is generally still too tight and a size 16 is too big so my clothes still don't fit me quit as well as they should.

My husband and some of my co-workers notice because they see me every day but that's not enough. I guess I was expecting people to be like "Omigosh you look so good, have you lost weight?!?". But there was no mention of my weight or any questions about how well my diet is going even though some of them knew I started Nutrisystem back in May. I think that hurt my feelings more than anything else. Even if no one noticed a difference they could have asked me how things were going. That's what I would have done. I went out of my way to tell them how good they looked (and truly they all look great) and to compliment them on sticking to their programs. I just wish they were being as supportive a friend to me as I feel like I have always been to them. And yes, I'm jealous that they were successful and I wasn't.

So imagine my surprise when I ran a 5K this weekend in 34:19. That's 11:04 pace. That's 44 seconds faster per mile than my pace at the 5K that I did in June. At first I thought maybe the June race was an off day but that wasn't the case. Looking back at my previous race times, I haven't run at that pace in more than 3 years. Three years ago I was probably around 185-190 lbs (5-10 lbs lighter than I am now) so that made me feel really awesome.

I started running road races in 1992 and have kept a record of my finishing times for most of the races that I have run over the years. Initially I would randomly sign up for local races but once I graduated from college in 1998 I started running in road races more frequently and eventually started the trend of running one race a month. I miss a month here and there but I definitely run 8-12 races consistently every year. My goal when I started signing up for these races was to become a serious runner. It thought I would be forced to stay in shape and keep running between races. Sometimes that's what happened but, more often than not, I would show up for these races not having run much since the last race and huff and puff my way to the finish line. I have had bursts of motivation before big races where I ran 3-4 times a week consistently over a month or two but this usually fizzled out after the race.

So what is different this time? For one thing, my husband is running these races with me and we keep each other motivated. I have gotten used to being a solo runner over the years. Signing up for most races by myself and then heading straight home after ward. It's nice to have someone there with me rooting for me and commiserating with me. We have also befriended a uber-fit couple who run marathons. They sign up for a lot of the same races that we sign up for and occasionally want to meet up to run together. Not wanting to hold them back or embarrass ourselves every time we see them is keeping both my husband and I going on days when we might want to be be lazy.

I think the most important thing that has changed is that we are setting mini goals and milestones for ourselves. Either running a certain pace or a certain number of miles per week by a certain date. So we are always striving to get better and achieve that next goal. I am becoming a serious runner in a very healthy way and my body is responding to that. I am getting stronger and faster even if it doesn't show that much in my appearance.

In a perfect world, I will get down the to 9:40 per mile pace that I ran my very first road race in back in 1992 but that is more of a long term goal. Right now I am focusing on consistently logging 15 or more miles a week (even if I have to walk some of it) and getting my pace down under 11 minutes (even during the longer runs). And whether I lose 15 more lbs or maintain the weight that I'm at now, I know that I will continue to grow as a runner and that just rocks!