tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10914650086517877182024-03-12T20:36:39.279-04:00Pick up Your Dog's Crap and Other Angry RantsMy very biased views on topics that are important to me. Bad dog owners,sports,racism,sexism and religion are my favorite topics but I can't promise I won't stray if something is really bugging me. I know I'm abnoxious, self-centered, OCD, ADD, self-righteous and high strung so you don't need to tell me but I welcome a healthy debate on any topic.Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.comBlogger196125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-50053271140468803192019-10-12T03:51:00.002-04:002021-01-03T21:13:02.660-05:00Finding BalanceHow do you find balance between being size positive and being a glutton? Being a curvy girl that works out and doesn't diet and being a person who mindlessly eats way more calories than is healthy are not the same thing. I find my middle and my thighs getting fatter over the years despite my weekly calorie burn increasing with more mileage and more classes. <script type="text/javascript">
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I follow a lot of amazing people on social media. Plus size athletes that are killing it. But as I listen to their podcasts and read their blogs I recognize that I'm not where they are. I want to be. I am sometimes perceived to be. I want to be the best version of me. And I know that I'm not right now. </div>
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Counting calories and not eating whatever you want sucks. But eating the amount of sugar and sodium that I do in a day is only going to lead to health problems down the road. I have been blessed with health problems from my genes that are beyond my control. I don't want to make things worse.</div>
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So what's the solution? I like the idea of days where I can splurge and days when I have more control. Dr. Ian from the Biggest Loser had a book a few years back called the 3-1-2-1 diet. This program told you to be good for 3 days and then have a cheat day and then 2 more good days followed by a cheat day. This is a realistic goal that I can achieve. </div>
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At the end of a lot of days I find myself sluggish and falling asleep on the couch because I have gorged myself. Making healthy food choices will make me feel better. Replacing some of those fatty and salty staples with fruits and veggies and healthy proteins will give me more energy. </div>
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So with two more days of vacation before I go back to reality this probably isn't the best time to start something new. But really there is never going to be a good time. I find that I have the most clarity first thing in the morning. I will try to go back to journaling when I first wake up. Before I start taking care of everyone else, I need to take better care of myself. </div>
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Here we go again. </div>
Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-27799796082481435102019-02-14T22:40:00.001-05:002021-01-03T21:14:06.878-05:00Keep Underestimating Me<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">I love it when people
underestimate me. I try not to be so sensitive about what other people
think but it’s hard when these things happen over and over again.<br />
<br />
Incident #1- I’m doing a half marathon out of town. I’ve done 100+
races with more than 40 of them half’s. Most of my travel gear is
fitness or running apparel. So inevitably at packet pickup people
assume I’m running the 5k or 10k. Even though there are clearly marked
lines for each distance and I’m standing in line for the half marathon
they assume I’m wrong. Because I’m a curvy girl and don’t fit their
image of what a runner looks like. Forget the fact that there are
runners of all ages, sizes and paces at every race. Every once in a while I get a
condescending “good for you”. Eff them. Don’t pat me on the head like
I’ve achieved some great feat as a fat girl. I trained for this. I
run/bike 20+ miles a week. How dare you ruin a perfectly good day for
me. Worse than that is the person handing me my t-shirt was like “is
this your first half?” God I hate people. <br />
<br />
Incident #2- I always take local fitness classes when I travel. For
people who travel a lot that haven’t discovered Class Pass it is
awesome. You can sign up for fitness classes at multiple gyms in the
area for a monthly fee equal to your typical monthly gym fee. Way
cheaper than paying for a day pass and a lot more options. <br />
<br />
So I get to the studio early. It’s just me and the instructor at
first. She was very nice to me. We chat it up while we’re waiting for
the rest of the class to arrive. I tell her I’m in town for the race
and she is clearly surprised. She tells me to modify if I need to since
my legs may be sore. A couple songs into the class she says “wow,
you’re really fit”. I know she didn’t mean anything negative by it and
that I should have taken it as a compliment. But what sticks with me is
that she decided I wasn’t fit when she looked at me. That her first
impression was that I wasn’t fit. That no matter how many races I run
or classes that I take people will always see me as unfit and I will
constantly have to prove myself. </span></span><script type="text/javascript">
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Not the healthiest post-workout meal but I had 30 minutes after teaching
my class to get changed and get to an event. Eating in my car and
frequent visits to drive thru lanes are bad habits I know.<br />
<br />
Well Dunkin had a deal where you could get 2 breakfast sandwiches for $5. So almost 1/2 price.
When the cashier asked me if I wanted to get 2, of course I said yes.
Thinking about the money that I was saving and that I already had my
post-workout meal ready for the next day when I would have a similar
time crunch. <br />
<br />
So now I’ve doubled down on my bad decision. I have followed up 2
calorie-scorching sessions with meals that most likely undo all my hard
work. When people say they can’t believe I’m not thin even though I
work out so much I spout bullshit about metabolism and bad genes but the
reality is I have terrible eating habits and no will power.<br />
<br />
So fast forward to today. I teach class and then eat my 2nd breakfast
sandwich as I run into a meeting. There are donut holes and fruit on
the table. I gorge myself on fruit and only eat 3 donut holes. I eat a
sensible salad for lunch. <br />
<br />
When I get home at the end of a long day I watch Netflix as I fold
laundry. I snack on some iced animal cookies mindlessly while I do
this. My husband makes dinner and sets a full plate in front of me that
matches his. I think for a moment that this is way too much food for
me and that I should put some of it away for later. Of course this is
not what I do. I clean my plate. Even though halfway through I am
satisfied and by the end I am struggling to finish the last couple
bites. <br />
<br />
My husband is significantly taller than me. There is no reason we
should ever be eating the same portion sizes. I workout a lot and he
doesn’t. I often justify our twin eating because I burn more calories
than him and need the extra fuel. This is such bs. We are both eating
way too much food. We are mindlessly eating and it is preventing both
of us from losing weight. <br />
<br />
I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions. Every year I find myself trying to reinvent myself and every year I seem to manage to fail in this area. <br />
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<br />
Then I think that maybe it's me. Maybe I'm on edge; waiting for someone to do or say something. Maybe I am hypersensitive to it. Maybe it keeps happening because I'm the problem.<br />
<br />
I feel like I am distrusted to handle certain tasks. Like my opinions aren't valued. Like I'm talked down to like a child. But I'm more educated than all of them. That's the kicker. They think less of me and treat me like a subordinate because I'm "new". But I'm not really new. I have just as much experience (often more) than they do but I'm new to them in this role. <br />
<br />
If I confront them I am always the angry black woman because I can't control my emotions. But on a daily basis I feel mistreated. I stew over these incidents obsessively. I have heart palpitations. I can't sleep. When I'm in meetings I try so hard to act like everything is okay that I often stumble over my words and become the bumbling idiot they all seem to think I am.<br />
<br />
By the end of the day my jaw hurts from clenching. I don't even realize I'm doing it until the headache and neck pain sets in. I have to sleep with a night guard or I have crippling migraines and stabbing pains in my jaw throughout the day. <br />
<br />
If I go somewhere else it won't be different. At this point I know that. That this misjudgment and bias will follow me everywhere. I think that I'll just do a kick ass job and they'll have to notice and change their tune but they never do. It never happens. I feel proud of myself and then they kick me down. <br />
<br />
I think back to years ago when I was depressed and spent most of my time in the house alone. When I wallowed in my solitude and didn't participate in life. When I took working from to home to extremes and rarely went further than the end of my driveway. Than I remember how I found myself again. How I found myself through fitness and volunteering and then moved to positions of authority in both fields and started to feel fulfilled. <br />
<br />
But now I'm back in the same old rut I always find myself in. I am filled with anxiety. I am ready to quit everything and just go back to being a hermit. But I know this isn't the right answer. I just wish I knew what was. <br />
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by myself. Driving to a meeting, reading a book, etc. Any quiet time
becomes a time for me to replay an incident where I didn't react the way I wanted to or to predict an incident that I've made up so I can respond accordingly. I don’t even realize that I’m
doing it until I’m halfway through an episode.<br />
<br />
There are so many incidents
where I haven’t expressed myself or stood up for myself. When I look
back at them I think about what I should have said. What I wanted to
say. I invent a situation in my head where I have a chance to put
someone in their place. Where I will have redemption for a wrong that
must be righted. <br />
<br />
How did I end up here. So knotted up with
anger and regret that I can’t think. I am conscious of it now and stop
myself but before I know it I am back in that same place. At the end of a
drive I find my jaw hurts. My shoulders are sore. I often have a
headache. When I’m driving I am so tense because I’m going through all
this shit in my head. I can’t keep going like this. <br />
<br />
I have to break
myself of this habit. It is toxic. Holding in all this anger and
getting so worked up about things that have already happened or that I’m
imagining happening in some fictional situation is not good for me. I
don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to hold things in. My blood
pressure is high. I am overweight. I’m begging for a heart attack or
stroke one day if I don’t fix this.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
If I had a dollar for every time some white person said to me "Good for you" when they find out I have a technical career or "You speak so well" when they meet me in person after only speaking to me on the phone or via e-mail and not realizing that I'm black. I know that other black professionals experience this. I find comfort in having this confirmed in online forums. I am not the only one who struggles to exist in a atmosphere that is still very much predominantly male and white. I am not the only one who has been asked to make coffee or copies when someone comes into the office and assumes that I must be a secretary. <br />
<br />
But when I meet my black peers in person I feel the exact same discomfort that I do from my white peers at work. I want to be supportive of these organizations because they need to exist but, whenever I attend any events in person, I find the hypocrisy difficult to stomach. At least if I never meet them in person I don't have to deal with the reality that these people don't really have my back. That they don't get me or care about me. That the occasional "troll-like' posts that exist in these forums online are more prevalent in person. <br />
<br />
I have found that a lot of other black people have experienced the same thing and now boycott these events. I have made more black friends through mainstream organizations than through the black-centric ones. I don't know what this means in the current racial and political climate but it seems like now more than ever we should be supporting each other rather than tearing each other down. <br />
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Bullet 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Number 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Closing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
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<![endif]--><script type="text/javascript">
var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www.");
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</script>
<script type="text/javascript">
try {
var pageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-9530904-1");
pageTracker._trackPageview();
} catch(err) {}</script>Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-76878707648615821262017-05-04T23:42:00.001-04:002021-01-03T21:18:05.595-05:00Moderation is a Dirty Word<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I’m not sure why it is so difficult for me to do anything in
moderation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I complain that people say I
have a bottomless pit for a stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That I always clean my plate and everyone else’s plate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has basically been my claim to fame
amongst family and friends since I was a little kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get offended by this and then proceed to do
exactly what they said I would do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes the food doesn’t even taste good and I’m thinking that I only
have a few bites to go through to get to the end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe I don’t want to offend someone if they’ve
prepared a meal, or I don’t want to waste food that I’ve paid for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Or I like the attention, even though it’s negative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Either way, my waistline isn’t getting any smaller and no matter how many
miles I run in a week, the 1000 extra calories that go to 2<sup>nd</sup>
helpings and dessert aren’t helping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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} catch(err) {}</script>Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-74031893212492190542017-01-10T19:41:00.000-05:002017-01-10T19:41:26.184-05:00Traveling While BlackI frequently find myself in some of the trendiest/most expensive restaurants in a city when I travel for work. The beauty of having a job that makes you travel is the blank check that comes along with it. All of my expenses are covered by my job so I tend to live it up.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, I am not always treated nicely in these trendy, expensive places. Depending on where I am traveling, I am often the only black person or the only single person in a restaurant. I know that some people hold a bias against black diners because they believe that black people don't tip well. Now let me say, I definitely know black people that live up to the stereotype but I also know a lot of white people who are bad tippers. <br />
<br />
I've also been told that black women are finicky diners who complain about their food and try to get things for free. If my food is bad I might complain but if the service is crappy I might just suck it up to get the night over with. But these biases put me in a terrible situation. If I receive bad service I shouldn't leave a big tip but if I don't leave a big tip it just feeds into their bias and makes them treat the next person even worse.<br />
<br />
Tonight I dined alone at a trendy restaurant in a major city. I saw people who arrived after me get served before me. My drink order never came so I had to ask the person who brought my food to check on my drink. My waiter never checked on me after he took my order. I'm pretty sure I was overcharged for my dinner but it took so long to get the bill (and remember it's not my money) that I didn't want to risk sending it back. <br />
<br />
Not that it should matter but I was dressed in my work clothes. A nice blouse and slacks. My wedding ring is kind of big and I carry a designer purse. If you were going to stereotype someone as cheap it wouldn't be me. That's all I'm saying. <br />
<br />
So what did I do? I left a big tip and walked out feeling discriminated against. I will mention the bad service on my Yelp review but the food was good and the spot was trendy so that won't keep people away. If I mentioned to management that I felt their waiters discriminated against some diners they wouldn't believe it. This is a very diverse big city with an equally diverse clientele. But I was there tonight and I know what I experienced. <br />
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<br />
<i>The Voice </i><br />
<br />
Part I- The Auditions<br />
<i></i>Keep the blind audition concept. Show more videos of people who don't get selected for the show. Cut back on the banter and make sure every audition for people who make the show is seen in full on the TV broadcast. <br />
<br />
After a team is half full, that person is no longer able to choose people. They will sit through the full performance and assign that person a score. Once all of the auditions are done, the coaches will call back their highest scorers and fill their teams. Initially, this will favor the judges who still have room on their teams since it will remove part of the competition. Eventually they will all be half full and will have to listen to full auditions before filling their teams. People who audition late but have great voices should have an equal chance of making the show.<br />
<br />
Part II- The Battle Rounds<br />
Each singer will be given a score on their performance. The highest scores will move on and the 2 lowest scores will have a sing off for the final spot. The team designations are irrelevant. If one team has 2 of the best voices they should both remain in the competition. Mediocre singers are allowed to flourish under the current format. The judges do not get to know the scores of their fellow judges, only cumulative score of all of their votes. <br />
<br />
I'm fine with the way the rest of the show goes as far as these earlier parts are fixed.<br />
<br />
<i>Married at First Sight</i><br />
<br />
The first season of this show was fantastic. Every season since, the show has been a little worse. This season is probably my last season watching. Pleas fix this show. It is a great concept and must see TV when it works.<br />
<i> </i><br />
During the first season, the viewer was introduced to a number of singles looking for their matches. You knew some of them were going to be picked for the show but you weren't sure who was matched up with who. As you watched the experts interview these people, you started to put together couples in your head. You were shocked when they revealed which singles would be matched.<br />
<br />
<br />
At this point you are emotionally invested in the show. You feel like you have insight into each of the singles and can't wait to see if these matches work or not. In later seasons, they have removed this part of the show. You only meet the singles that they have picked and they tell you ahead of time who is paired up.<br />
<br />
I'm assuming the initial process is the same. The experts do extensive screening of the applicants to make sure they are making good matches. None of the couples have stayed together expect for 2/3 couples from the first season. I think this is because FYI knows it has a hit on it's hands and doesn't need to put the work they used to put in to get people to watch.<br />
<br />
The show feels very hollow at times with forced activities to meet the script of the show. Oh you are all going on your second honey moon this week. Oh we're going to have dinner with a best friend and have them tell us our faults. Of course this is all going to take place in the same episode. These activities are so clearly forced and unnatural. <br />
<br />
Each episode is about 50% new material and 50% re-hashing the same issue over and over again to create drama and suspense where there really is none. You know they have hours of footage of the couples. Why not share more of that with the viewer instead of the mindless drivel that we are fed?<br />
<br />
At the moment there don't seem to be any new shows in the wings that are going to satisfy my reality TV needs. I hope things get better soon! Netfilx is helping but it's just not the same. <br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
The OJ miniseries reminds me of where I was when all of this happened. I was in college. I remember being shocked and outraged when I saw the Rodney King video. I remember thinking in my ignorance that surely these police officers would go to prison. Police were there to protect you. They were the people you were supposed to run to in a crisis. These cops in the video weren't real policeman. They were anomalies. They would be punished and all would be right in the world. <br />
<br />
Well of course that's not what happened. How blissful I was in my ignorance. Now 2 decades later I can't count the number of times I've seen similar videos of police brutality. I don't even hope for a trial or guilty verdict any more. Not only has it become commonplace for police officers to kill black people, but it is also okay if you're just a citizen. You don't even have to be a cop. You see a black person. Make an assumption about that person. Even if that person is minding their own business and poses no threat to you at all. You can kill him. No one will care. No one will notice.<br />
<br />
What if all these videos were of white people being beaten and murdered? Every time I hear a story about an innocent person being mistaken for a criminal I don't need to hear the race of the person. I know it is only on the news because that person is dead and likely unarmed and black.<br />
<br />
My hope is that eventually such a heinous crime will be caught on video that people will be shocked into action. I don't know what will be worse than police severing a man's spine or shooting an unarmed man 20 times on his wedding day but I know it will come. That the end of slavery, desegregation of schools, etc. all came eventually. Eventually cops will think twice before killing someone because they know that they will be punished for their crime and go to jail if they are wrong. <br />
<br />
I am so sick of hearing the daily justifications for these actions. Oh, it's okay that they killed this innocent person because he has a criminal record. No, he wasn't breaking the law when they shot him but the mere existence of a shady background makes it okay. Or maybe they were breaking the law. Maybe they have a warrant for their arrest. No they didn't have a gun and weren't threatening the police in any way but they might have. See we killed a bad person. Eventually this person would have done something so we were doing a public service.<br />
<br />
Not that this brutality is new. It's just that in this age of social media and everyone having a camera in their pocket that they are caught on tape and made public. People who think there is a sudden surge in police brutality are naive. The brutality has been going on forever and will likely continue to go on. It's just harder to ignore now. <br />
<br />
Every time I pass a police officer I have irrational fears of being pulled over for speeding and then being pulled out of my car and being beaten. If I walk into a store and there are police there I worry that I might look suspicious. That my big purse will make them think I'm carrying a weapon. That if I talk too loudly or get too close to them they will accuse me of something. But them I worry that if they don't notice me and I suddenly sneak up on them by walking around a corner they may be surprised by the sudden appearance of a black face and draw their weapons.<br />
<br />
I know that these fears are irrational but that doesn't stop me from having them. I can't imagine that any of the innocent people who have been killed thought they were about to die. <br />
<br />
So yes, OJ was obviously guilty. The evidence should have been more than enough to put him away for those murders. But he got off. He beat the system. He was a black man who committed a crime and wasn't punished for it. It feels like a victory in the face of all of the cops who killed black people and got away with it. I can understand why so many people wanted to believe that OJ was innocent. <br />
<br />
I'm happy that in the end karma came around and he ended up going to jail. Sure, it wasn't for murder but it still feels like justice. I can only hope that one day karma will come around for the rest of us too. Until then I won't make the mistake of running towards police for help. I will take my chances with whoever is chasing me instead. <br />
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<br />
I met a woman through mutual work friend. She worked for a local engineering firm and was the only women of color in her office, much like me. During a conference we ended up spending a couple hours getting to know each other. We found out that we both loved running, dogs and Asian food. We agreed to meet together once a week to walk our dogs. We ended up running or having lunch together once a week as well. She had some annoying habits but overall she was someone that I enjoyed hanging out with. <br />
<br />
One morning I got to the park at our designated time and she wasn't there. I texted her and she responded: "It's raining. I don't walk in the rain". Were her dogs aware of this? Apparently they no longer need to go to the bathroom or get exercise when it's raining. Let me be clear, this was not a monsoon. Here in Syracuse, we are known for some really terrible weather. This was a light rain on a beautiful spring day. A lot of other people were at the park working out. No one else seemed to think this was stay at home weather.<br />
<br />
The fact that she didn't have the courtesy to call me to let me know she wasn't coming and that she would just let the time pass and assume that I would be okay with it because it was raining is ridiculous. I hung out with her a handful of times after this. Each time I saw her after that was less enjoyable than the last. Suddenly her flaws become hard to ignore. She was a bad dog parent. She was materialistic and obsessed with impressing the other wives of her husband's co-workers. She was trying to use my connections to gain traction at work. I'm sure these problems existed before but I let them go because there were positive things to balance them out. Eventually I stopped hanging out with her completely. She ended up moving across the state when her husband got a better job. I haven't spoken to her in years but she does occasionally pop up in my Facebook feed. Every post reminds me of why she and I could never be friends. <br />
<br />
I have met several women through online running groups. I love these groups because we are all going for the same goals and everyone is extremely positive and supportive. As a person who typically runs alone, these groups give me a sense of community. Every once in a while I meet these women in person by running in a relay together or having dinner before/after a race. And every time, I feel left out, annoyed, bored, etc. <br />
<br />
From women "forgetting" to pay their race/hotel/rental car fees to women being selfish and not considering the needs/wants of other people in the group, they are consistently unbearable. This has been easier to avoid since most of the groups also have male members. I find that I am often the only woman in a group of men or that I am waiting/commiserating with the men in the group while the women are being annoying. I am generally the wife who is hanging out with the husbands at weddings, Christmas parties, etc. <br />
<br />
I'm sure there are great women out there but my life has been full of unreliable women. Even in cases when I have women that I would consider to be my friends, I can never completely let my guard down with them. I cannot cry on their shoulders and count on them to support me the way that I support them or the way that my male friends support me. I'd like to think that there are other women out there like me but really, at this point, I don't care. I'm too old for this shit. <br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
As he has gotten older my brother has been less destructive to himself physically but has not made any progress towards managing his life as an adult. On Christmas Eve I found out that my brother is in yet another financial crisis created by him being careless and assuming that the rules of the world don't apply to him. It has been less than a year since I saved him from the last financial crisis. <br />
<br />
Part of me wants to step away. He's in his mid thirties. He lives in another state. At some point he has to step up to the plate and take care of himself. But then I think of the other times that I have stepped back and I worry about things becoming worse. As unfair as it is, this seems to be my burden in life. <br />
<br />
I have never had any desire to have children. But I feel like raising my brother is a job that I got when he was born that will never go away. It would be so much easier if my brother had a disability that was visible. People would understand. But with mental illness people can appear completely normal to friends and co-workers and be a complete mess inside. <br />
<br />
You can't force an adult man to see a therapist and go back on meds when he isn't a danger to himself physically. And honestly, even if you could, I don't have fond memories of his time in therapy. Weekly office visits and lots of drugs but no real progress. Violent episodes. Suicide attempts. Jail time. I am grateful that those days are over but still hopeful that there is a better alternative. <br />
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<br />
There was no argument that lead to this breakup. Just Mary Jane deciding one day that she was black and could not maintain her blackness if she dated a white boy. She spouted off all kinds of BS about how black men got her in a way that white men never could and that she couldn't date a white man because of this because it was some sort of betrayal to her race. WTF.<br />
<br />
So all black marriages have a 100% success rate because they just get each other? Or 0% of interracial marriages last because they don't? Shame on BET for this sort of ignorant 1950's mindset. Black people and white people are different and they shouldn't be together. Stay with your race. Never stray from what society tells you is best for you. <br />
<br />
Relationships work when people listen to each other, respect each other and let their guard down enough to open themselves up. For all the single women out their who cheered when Mary Jane ended the relationship and in the next breath complained to their girlfriends about how hard it is to find a good (black) man shame on you too. I'm so over media telling me who I'm supposed to be. The last place I expected to see racism promoted was on a network that is supposed to make me feel good about being black. <br />
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<br />
My husband doesn't respect or treat me well but I'd be lost without a man to do
everything for me. I don't know how to navigate this world without my
big strong husband to make me feel safe. I am of course the mother
of daughters who are somehow strong and independent despite not having a
strong female role model (like their mother). I am resentful and
bitter. But when I am left alone (husband leaves me either tragically
or voluntarily) I must learn to survive without
him guiding me. I went to college and had a career but I left all that
behind to support my man. Now I've been out of the work force for a
decade and am not qualified to do anything but whine and lament the loss
of my rock. How much is our mortgage? Who
is the insurance company? Oh woe is me how to deal with all these
things alone. No, I didn't work or pay attention to household finances. I
was planning parties or hanging out with the other PTA moms at the gym/
Target/Starbucks. Gimme a break. <br />
<br />
I'm so over
the weak female lead in every novel. The supporting female characters are generally catty, hateful bitches who are just as weak and inept as the main character, making it impossible for them to be a good friend to them. The worst of it is that most of these
novels are written by women. Seriously, is that how you view women or worse yet yourself? Is this the image of women that you want to put out into the
world? Are these the only type of women that
you think people will find interesting or believable? This weakness is
rarely important to the story. But yet it is always there.
<br />
<div>
<br />
</div>
<div>
I often find myself running a Bechdel test in my head. Can two
female characters have a dialogue without talking about a man? In my
own personal take on the Bechdel test I also look for conversations
between women that don't revolve around their children.
Enough already. Women are not weak, baby-making waifs whose
can't tie their shoes without a Xanax and a man. I like my characters likable, maybe even relatable. What I don't like is hating a character and celebrating all the bad things that are happening to her. Hoping the next book I read breaks this trend. </div>
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<br />
Person A- Abused by relatives. Spent time in foster care. High school football star. School helped him cheat in high school so he could stay eligible to play football. The help stopped once he was injured and couldn't play. Flunked out of college. Charged with aggravated assault after hitting someone with a beer bottle during a fight. No prior felony record. Misdemeanors for driving without a license and failure to pay child support. Given 10 years probation. Stopped making regular visits to his parole officer. Sentenced to 10 years in prison.<br />
<br />
Person B- Family law firm. High school football star. Attended Harvard. Joined family law firm. Admitted starting a fight with his girlfriend and her ex-husband that escalated into a brawl. B and two friends entered the ex-husband's house uninvited and continued fighting with the 8 people inside. Charged with burglary with intent to commit assault- a serious felony. Placed on 5 years probation and had his law license suspended for 5 years.<br />
<br />
There is big difference here. Why was one given 10 years probation and the other 5 years? Was person A told that if he violated his parole he would then have an equal amount of jail time? Did person A ever receive therapy to deal with his childhood hardships? Person A didn't have the family support or resources that person B had. Person B not only had a family of lawyers supporting him but the personal knowledge of the law to know what would happen if he didn't follow the rules. <br />
<br />
I am not advocating violating parole but there are too many people spending years in prison for non-violent offenses. And more often than not, they aren't given therapy or skills in prison to cope with the real world once they get out so a lot of them end up coming back. <br />
<br />
It is hard to believe that race and economic status didn't play a role in the unequal treatment of the two men. Person A is black and poor. When he was injured and could no longer play for the football team, he was subjected to racism from the football staff and community. The football team provided him with the support that he never had from his family. Once that was gone, he was on his own again.<br />
<br />
Person B is Hispanic and comes from a family that is prominent in the community. I'd like to believe that person B would have been sentenced to prison if he violated his parole but it seems unlikely. And if he was sentenced it probably wouldn't have been for 10 years. <br />
<br />
No matter what your background, there should be a set list of rules for offenses so that judges don't sentence poor, black people to longer sentences. A good lawyer or a bad judge shouldn't decide someone's fate. At some point the criminal justice system needs to stop solving everything with a trip to prison. Rehabilitation will have to be a key part of treatment. The reason we have more people in prison than any other developed country is because people are in jail for non-violent offenses. We put all of our money into building new prisons and very little on programs to prevent people from going into prison in the first place. <br />
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<br />
It took me a long time to forgive my mother for this abuse. For years I would inappropriately hit my friends and boyfriends and overreact violently to situations that other people would just brush off. I still struggle with controlling my temper and letting things go. I know that I get this from my mother.<br />
<br />
The most difficult thing to deal with is my mother's complete change of opinion on corporal punishment. At least a couple times a year there is a video of a parent beating their child in a grocery store parking lot or a famous person putting their child in the hospital after a routine spanking. My mother is the first one to express her outrage at these parents. She is careful to say that yes, that sort of thing was okay when she was a kid but it's not okay now. But she never admits that it is the sort of thing that she did as a parent. That she was wrong. It is always them. It is never her. <br />
<br />
I don't expect her to have this epiphany. I know she won't ever apologize or admit that she was wrong. But it still bothers me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let things go but at least I'm only screaming at her inside my head. <br />
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<br />
I remember this stupid game that we would play where we would say who we would marry if you had to marry someone in the room. In high school it was all very innocent. Everyone named each other and giggled. Maybe revealing secret crushes. But it all changed in college. <br />
<br />
In my circle of friends I am almost always the only black face. It's never an issue until someone makes it an issue. I would live my life like everyone else and then WHAM, out of nowhere, racism. During my first Habitat for Humanity spring break we were playing the who would you marry game. A couple of guys said me which was nice. But both of them immediately said "But not really. My family or the people where I grew up wouldn't approve of that" or something similar. It was a stupid game. It wasn't a commitment. But they had to make sure to declare that there was no possibility of marrying me, their friend, solely because I was black. I will never forget that.<br />
<br />
Or my former co-worker who whispered to me that his brother hated that he listened to rap music and called it n*gger music. I don't even know where that comes from. I don't know why he felt like he should tell me that or why he wasn't disgusted by his brother's use of the word. But I know that I trusted him less after that. If he was willing to tell me that to my face what sort of racism took place in that house, in his life outside of work. <br />
<br />
As I watch all the posts on social media from people regarding police brutality and racial profiling, gay marriage and the president, I am shocked on a daily basis by how many young ignorant people there are in my life. Some of these people hide behind the bible or some ridiculous claims from a right wing organization that say the president is taking away guns, the kids are going to be taught how to be gay in school and other completely insane things. The worst of it is they believe what they are saying. They believe that they are right. That they are justified in this hatred or justification for hatred. It is depressing. <br />
<br />
With every news report or documentary that I watch it is clear that we have a long way to go as a country. The sad part is that these people have children that they are teaching to be ignorant. That this hate will continue on for generations to come. Maybe these people aren't directly responsible for all the tragedies that happen in this country but the people who are don't think that different from them. Instead of just saying how much they hate a group of people they are going out and attacking those people. Trying to eliminate them. All it takes is one unstable person in a group of angry people to create a tragedy. <br />
<br />
For now all I can do is hide those people from my feed. There is no reason to subject myself to their hate. I can only hope that things do not get too much worse before they start to get better. <br />
<br />
<br />
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<p dir=ltr>As my confidence increased and I noticed a lot more runners who looked like me and/or ran my pace or slower I loosened up.  I hung out longer after races.  I initiated conversations with people.   I even ran with other people every once in a while.  Occasionally,  I would choose the wrong person to talk to.   Some pseudo-elite runner would bristle at the nerve of someone like me to make a comment about the race or a suggestion about something he was complaining about.  But more often than not my experiences were positive. </p>
<p dir=ltr>For me running is meditation.   It is my time to clear my head, to fantasize, to work through my problems.   I have been told by people that they waved to me or yelled my name during a race but I ignored them.  I am so much in my head during a race that I often don't notice other people, landmarks and course markers.  Luckily I have only gotten lost twice!</p>
<p dir=ltr>Lately running has been less therapeutic and more stressful.  The local 5ks have become a place for families to gather.  For people to sight see and take pictures.  For large herds of inexperienced and rude people to block the paths of runners and turn a leisurely run into an obstacle race. </p>
<p dir=ltr>I find myself running off road to avoid people that are running 5-people across or swerving to avoid people who come to a dead stop in the middle of the road.  I waste energy passing these people or being angry at them.  I find myself tense and relieved when the race is over.</p>
<p dir=ltr>One solution is to line up closer to the front.  But then I risk making myself an obstacle for the faster runners.  I don't want to ruin anyone else's race.  A better solution is to take the local 5ks out of my rotation.  To only participate in longer or more difficult races that will not attract those people.  </p>
<p dir=ltr>This will take  me back to my loner days.  There will be more elite runners.  There will be less people that look like me.  I will be in the back if not last.  But I will have peace again.   I will be able to run my race with my shoulders relaxed and my head cleared.  It will be worth it.  I just hope my self esteem is strong enough to take it in stride.</p>
Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-18834111897076762942015-05-31T10:02:00.002-04:002021-01-09T15:22:09.520-05:00Holding Strong at 3 weeks!So I have managed to maintain my 3 lb weight loss for 2 straight weeks at home. I'm still riding the high of spending a week with a bunch of fit and positive people. I feel like I've been a better fitness instructor since I came home. Like my passion has been reignited. So how can I make this part-time fitness and wellness thing a full-time gig? Or, more realistically, how can I carry the positive energy that I get out of fitness into the other aspects of my life? <script type="text/javascript">
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My goal for this week is to lose 2 lbs. I'm psyched that I maintained weight loss but I'm no where near my goal weight. I know what I need to do to maintain my weight. What I need to figure out is what I need to do to lose weight at home. Maybe it won't work but for now I'm going to try to maintain this 3 week trend that I've kicked off (1 strict week followed by 2 maintenance weeks). </div>
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Let's not call this a diet, but a new way of life. </div>
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Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-69567737938871104552015-05-17T13:39:00.001-04:002021-01-09T15:22:39.728-05:00My Own Biggest Loser WeekI just got back from a week long fitness convention in Florida. This is the third one that I have attended but definitely the most positive experience that I have ever had. There is nothing more motivating than a few thousand fitness professionals and the best instructors in the world at a beautiful destination resort. <div>
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I lost 3 pounds during the past week. To those of you who are dedicated to your diet and exercise and lose 3-5 lbs every week this might not seem like a lot. But to someone like me whose weight plateaued a long time ago, this is amazing. </div>
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I know that working out several hours a day and eating lots of small meals between my workouts was key. This along with the variety of workouts that I was doing and the fact that I was getting a good night of sleep every night. These are all things that seem like they could be modified to fit into my real life. Because I had a large dinner out with dessert and a glass of wine every night. I didn't feel deprived. My digestive issues were better. My energy still had dips in the afternoon but it was definitely more stable. </div>
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I am terrified that those 3 pounds will be right back next Sunday when I weigh myself. But there is a little voice in my head that tells me that this could be my jump start. This could be my biggest loser week. I spent a week at the ranch and learned what works for me. Now I just have to figure out how to make things work now that I'm back home with all the responsibility and stress that come with work and family. </div>
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I think its also important to point out that my attitude was much better than it normally is. I was surrounded by people of all races, ages and sizes. Sure, there were plenty of size 2 "fitness models" walking around but there were just as many curvy (or dare I say fat) fit folks walking around. And no one said anything bad to them. Everyone accepted that they were instructors and had just as much right to be there as everyone else. </div>
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I found myself walking around in my swimsuit top and shorts or in my swimsuit and a t-shirt. I would never do that at home. The moment I am out of the pool, I am wrapped from head to toe in a beach towel and hustling my way into the locker room. Maybe I need to stop doing that. Maybe if I pretend to be confident and comfortable in my own skin, I'll start to feel like it. Maybe this is the beginning of me loving me just a little more than I care about what other people think about me. <br /><div>
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Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-34615649110522989282015-04-06T06:52:00.001-04:002021-01-09T15:23:06.268-05:00The Big Dream in the Sky<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Fleet Feet has been advertising for new employees for a while now. And every time I see the post I think about it. Why not me? I started running track in middle school. I've been doing road races since high school. I am a runner. But then reality sets in and I know that would never happen. </span><div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">That I would never be able to stand beside these sub-7 minute milers with their 5% body fat and feel like their equal. I know that elite runners would not trust me to be an expert. That the same people that assume I'm a walker when I come in the store to get fitted for shoes would not take my advice or want my help. The assholes who say with shock "You're running the half?" when I go to pick up my race number and there is a shorter race on the same day. Like it is just unfathomable that someone that looks like me could be a runner. That the hundreds of people that look like me at races are an allusion.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">I could coordinate group runs. I could teach fitness classes. I could make people like me feel good. I would try not to make assumptions and treat people with respect. I would be the healthiest me ever because I would be surrounded by healthy people. A little color and a little curvyness are exactly what Fleet Feet needs. </span><div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">But the reality is that no matter how many life affirming groups that I am a part of online I will never be fully accepted by some runners. I will always be judged. And I will always feel self conscious because of that. I could never be confident enough to fit some elite high school athlete for shoes and discuss his mechanics and give him tips on how to be better. And that makes me sad. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12.8000001907349px;">Maybe if I lived in a more diverse area but to be the only non-white person and the only thick runner would be too much for me. I could put on the bravado and fake it but inside I would be constantly on edge and I know that's not a life I want to live. But I can fantasize about a world where it could happen.</span><script type="text/javascript">
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Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-2228073360848897972014-12-20T05:46:00.003-05:002021-01-09T15:23:48.033-05:00Reality BitesAbout a year and a half ago I cut back on the dairy and gluten in my diet at the recommendation of a naturopath. She looked at my medical history and my list of symptoms and said that inflammation was at the root of all my problems and that both dairy and gluten could contribute to that. <div>
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As a general rule in the south you have a biscuit with most meals. Even if you already have potatoes, rice, pizza, etc on your plate you should also have a couple pieces of bread. Since both my husband and I are from the south we have proudly continued this tradition. My inner voice screamed no when I thought about given up all my favorites. But I was desperate for relief and tired of traditional doctors telling me that I had a number of "syndromes" which may or may not be responsive to medication (in my case no medications have been useful to date). So I jumped into the gluten and dairy free pool with both feet. </div>
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I rarely do anything in moderation. The moment I hear about a new fitness craze, shoe, diet book, fashion trend, artist I immediately sign up for or buy everything that I can. My diet no different. So I bring a box of food to the break room at work so that I don't have the temptation in my house. I spend $250 at the whole foods store and create a binder of limited ingredient recipes that will keep my foodie heart happy. </div>
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I didn't want it to work but it did. I felt better. I slept better. My bathroom trips were better and less frequent. All of my syndromes improved. I was ecstatic. I told everyone I knew that I was on a limited ingredient diet. I started frequenting the restaurants that could accommodate my new lifestyle. </div>
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After about 2 months I plateaued. My syndromes were taking over again. I was frustrated. So I did what any irrational, overreacting person would do. I started bringing all the crap back in my diet. </div>
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I had never gone 100% gluten/dairy free. I had settled on a place where about 60-75% of what I ate was on my diet. But once I stopped feeling good I stopped monitoring what I ate. I stopped trying. Of course then I had to tell everyone that I had only had moderate success with my limited ingredient diet so I was going back to my old ways. </div>
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A rational person would have visited their medical doctor and tried some of those prescriptions again to see if they worked better when combined with a limited ingredient diet. Or maybe follow up with the naturopath to see if there were supplements or additional changes that she recommended. Hell, maybe even checked out an online community and checked for tips from other folks suffering from the same problems. </div>
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Fast forward to a few months later. My husband and I went on a trip to a bed and breakfast in Vermont. The trip was amazing. It was a foodie's dream vacation. Amazing dishes that felt indulgent and healthy at the same time. The chef at the bed and breakfast made all of her food from locally sourced ingredients. Most of the restaurants that we visited did the same. I was eating gluten free without effort because it was everywhere. There were no dairy free options in Vermont but there was an amazing selection of organic/raw options. So of course you know what happened: I felt better. I slept better. My bathroom trips were better and less frequent.</div>
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So here I am again. With a pantry full of selections from the whole foods store and my trusty recipe binder dusted off. Just in time for Christmas and the New Year I am getting back on the wagon. Not everyone quits smoking the first time but eventually it usually takes. So here goes nothing. </div>
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Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-44286667796413924102014-10-20T09:07:00.002-04:002021-01-09T15:24:09.018-05:00Moving to a Better MeToday after 10 years in the suburbs we are packing up and moving to the country. Not off-the-grid, banjo playing country. But 5 acres of land, private driveway and rural post office route country. <div>
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This is the beginning of a new chapter for my hubby and I. This is the first house that we have bought together (he moved into my place before). We are a moving to a new town that neither of us have ever lived in. <script type="text/javascript">
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The beauty of moving is leaving behind all the crap from this house. The bad neighbors. The annoying traffic. The unruly kids. The loose dogs. </div>
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But maybe it can be a chance to leave behind some other unwanted baggage as well. The unhealthy attitude. The inconsistent exercise and diet. </div>
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Maybe it's a good time to welcome in some new habits. Better dog training. Better communication. Following through on projects. Planning better. </div>
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Maybe I can stop beating myself up for the mistakes and missed opportunities of the past and focus on the potential for the future. No, I don't think this move is a magic bullet but I work better with goals and plans and this move seems to be the perfect opportunity to reset myself. </div>
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My husband has acknowledged that he needs a reset as well so we're in this together. This new chapter will undoubtedly be better than the last. The new me won't be all that different from the old me. I think she will just live up to the person that she wants to be and like herself a little more. </div>
Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1091465008651787718.post-18589913315205916142014-09-17T08:56:00.001-04:002021-01-09T15:24:36.985-05:00Spanking vs. Beating Every summer when school let out, my parents dropped me off to spend the summer with my grandmother and extended family. I loved the summers with my grandmother. We did something different every day and my parents, babysitters and brother weren't around to bother me. <script type="text/javascript">
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Both of my parents believed in spanking as a form of discipline. They both had abusive, alcoholic fathers who had disciplined them. They hated their fathers and were estranged from them. But, like their fathers, they often went to far with discipline and spankings quickly turned to beatings. </div>
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Our two primary babysitters were also very abusive. The private school we attended was authorized to spank us. It seemed like everywhere we went some adult had the right to beat us and we just had to take it. I don't know what it was like in other places but this was the norm in the south in the 70's and 80's. </div>
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These summers with my grandmother were a welcome relief from being beaten. She spanked me on occasion but not with the frequency or intensity of my parents or sitters. When my grandmother spanked me I knew it was in response to something I did wrong. At home it was generally because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and they needed someone to let out their frustrations on. </div>
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My extended family also believed in spanking. I frequently witnessed my cousins getting beaten with a switch. These beatings were painful to watch but I knew from my home life that I should keep my distance. My mother would often lose control when beating my brother and start hitting me as well because I was in the same room. </div>
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Most beatings left bruises. Occasionally there was blood if the skin was broken. Wooden spoons, leather belts with metal buckles and switches each had the potential to break the skin. No one ever told them what they were doing was abuse. My brother and I frequently threatened to call child protective services on my mother but we never did. She knew they were idol threats and had no reason to do anything different. </div>
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No one at school every questioned the bruises and we never went to a teacher or other adult for help. We thought this was how all parents treated their children. Most of our friends were covered in bruises and scars just from rough housing and being kids. I'm sure if we had black eyes or burn marks an adult would have stepped in but I'm not sure. </div>
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The Adrian Peterson story is shocking to the public because there are pictures of a 4 year old with bruises. The use of a switch to beat the child seemed barbaric to many people. Peterson's only defense is that this was how he was disciplined and he saw no reason not to discipline his child in the same way. </div>
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I have vivid memories of being beaten from the time I was 3 years old. I didn't start to forgive my mother until I was well into my 20's. I still resented my father when he died. </div>
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One of my babysitters died from cancer 10 years ago. Even though I had not seen her for many years I felt a strange sense of relief after she died. </div>
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A couple of my cousins have been arrested for assault. My brother has struggled with controlling his temper and has been arrested as well. For a number of years he was medicated but he has learned to control his anger as he has gotten older. He works in a very physical job which helps him relax. </div>
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I often find myself so angry that I feel like my entire body is going to explode. Exercise is generally my refuge. After a good workout my anger subsides. But there are still times when I think extremely violent thoughts. I am proud of myself for being strong enough to never act on these thoughts but the fact that I have them concerns me. I wish my parents had given me other tools to deal with conflict. I wish my first instinct wasn't to fight. </div>
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Maybe other people will see themselves in Adrian Peterson. Maybe they will recognize that what they are doing is abuse and seek help. Maybe they will learn how to discipline their children without violence. Maybe some other little girl in the south won't grow up resenting her parents and terrified of having children of her own and continuing the cycle of abuse. </div>
Denise Taylorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15567047344866738978noreply@blogger.com0