Finding Balance

How do you find balance between being size positive and being a glutton?  Being a curvy girl that works out and doesn't diet and being a person who mindlessly eats way more calories than is healthy are not the same thing.  I find my middle and my thighs getting fatter over the years despite my weekly calorie burn increasing with more mileage and more classes.  

I follow a lot of amazing people on social media.  Plus size athletes that are killing it.  But as I listen to their podcasts and read their blogs I recognize that I'm not where they are.  I want to be.  I am sometimes perceived to be.  I want to be the best version of me.  And I know that I'm not right now.  

Counting calories and not eating whatever you want sucks.  But eating the amount of sugar and sodium that I do in a day is only going to lead to health problems down the road.  I have been blessed with health problems from my genes that are beyond my control.  I don't want to make things worse.

So what's the solution?  I like the idea of days where I can splurge and days when I have more control.  Dr. Ian from the Biggest Loser had a book a few years back called the 3-1-2-1 diet.  This program told you to be good for 3 days and then have a cheat day and then 2 more good days followed by a cheat day.  This is a realistic goal that I can achieve.  

At the end of a lot of days I find myself sluggish and falling asleep on the couch because I have gorged myself.  Making healthy food choices will make me feel better.  Replacing some of those fatty and salty staples with fruits and veggies and healthy proteins will give me more energy.  

So with two more days of vacation before I go back to reality this probably isn't the best time to start something new.  But really there is never going to be a good time.  I find that I have the most clarity first thing in the morning.  I will try to go back to journaling when I first wake up.  Before I start taking care of everyone else, I need to take better care of myself.  

Here we go again.  

The Race Card.....Again

I keep finding myself in situations where I feel disrespected.  Taken for granted.  Dictated to.  Talked down to.  The only constant in these situation is that I am black and everyone else is white.  I'd like to think that this is just a coincidence but it happens too often for it to be.

Then I think that maybe it's me.  Maybe I'm on edge; waiting for someone to do or say something.  Maybe I am hypersensitive to it.  Maybe it keeps happening because I'm the problem.

I feel like I am distrusted to handle certain tasks.  Like my opinions aren't valued.  Like I'm talked down to like a child.  But I'm more educated than all of them.  That's the kicker.  They think less of me and treat me like a subordinate because I'm "new".  But I'm not really new.  I have just as much experience (often more) than they do but I'm new to them in this role. 

If I confront them I am always the angry black woman because I can't control my emotions.  But on a daily basis I feel mistreated.  I stew over these incidents obsessively.  I have heart palpitations.  I can't sleep.  When I'm in meetings I try so hard to act like everything is okay that I often stumble over my words and become the bumbling idiot they all seem to think I am.

By the end of the day my jaw hurts from clenching.  I don't even realize I'm doing it until the headache and neck pain sets in.  I have to sleep with a night guard or I have crippling migraines and stabbing pains in my jaw throughout the day. 

If I go somewhere else it won't be different.  At this point I know that.  That this misjudgment and bias will follow me everywhere.  I think that I'll just do a kick ass job and they'll have to notice and change their tune but they never do.  It never happens.  I feel proud of myself and then they kick me down. 

I think back to years ago when I was depressed and spent most of my time in the house alone.  When I wallowed in my solitude and didn't participate in life.  When I took working from to home to extremes and rarely went further than the end of my driveway.  Than I remember how I found myself again.  How I found myself through fitness and volunteering and then moved to positions of authority in both fields and started to feel fulfilled. 

But now I'm back in the same old rut I always find myself in.  I am filled with anxiety.  I am ready to quit everything and just go back to being a hermit.  But I know this isn't the right answer.  I just wish I knew what was. 

Reality Bites

About a year and a half ago I cut back on the dairy and gluten in my diet at the recommendation of a naturopath.  She looked at my medical history and my list of symptoms and said that inflammation was at the root of all my problems and that both dairy and gluten could contribute to that.  

As a general rule in the south you have a biscuit with most meals.  Even if you already have potatoes, rice, pizza, etc on your plate you should also have a couple pieces of bread.  Since both my husband and I are from the south we have proudly continued this tradition.  My inner voice screamed no when I thought about given up all my favorites.  But I was desperate for relief and tired of traditional doctors telling me that I had a number of "syndromes" which may or may not be responsive to medication (in my case no medications have been useful to date).  So I jumped into the gluten and dairy free pool with both feet.  

I rarely do anything in moderation.  The moment I hear about a new fitness craze, shoe, diet book, fashion trend, artist I immediately sign up for or buy everything that I can.  My diet no different.  So I bring a box of food to the break room at work so that I don't have the temptation in my house.  I spend $250 at the whole foods store and create a binder of limited ingredient recipes that will keep my foodie heart happy.  

I didn't want it to work but it did.  I felt better.  I slept better.  My bathroom trips were better and less frequent.  All of my syndromes improved.  I was ecstatic.  I told everyone I knew that I was on a limited ingredient diet.  I started frequenting the restaurants that could accommodate my new lifestyle.  

After about 2 months I plateaued.  My syndromes were taking over again.  I was frustrated.  So I did what any irrational, overreacting person would do.  I started bringing all the crap back in my diet. 

I had never gone 100% gluten/dairy free.  I had settled on a place where about 60-75% of what I ate was on my diet.  But once I stopped feeling good I stopped monitoring what I ate.  I stopped trying.  Of course then I had to tell everyone that I had only had moderate success with my limited ingredient diet so I was going back to my old ways.  

A rational person would have visited their medical doctor and tried some of those prescriptions again to see if they worked better when combined with a limited ingredient diet.  Or maybe follow up with the naturopath to see if there were supplements or additional changes that she recommended.  Hell, maybe even checked out an online community and checked for tips from other folks suffering from the same problems.    

Fast forward to a few months later.  My husband and I went on a trip to a bed and breakfast in Vermont.  The trip was amazing.  It was a foodie's dream vacation.  Amazing dishes that felt indulgent and healthy at the same time.  The chef at the bed and breakfast made all of her food from locally sourced ingredients.  Most of the restaurants that we visited did the same.  I was eating gluten free without effort because it was everywhere.  There were no dairy free options in Vermont but there was an amazing selection of organic/raw options.  So of course you know what happened:  I felt better.  I slept better. My bathroom trips were better and less frequent.

So here I am again.  With a pantry full of selections from the whole foods store and my trusty recipe binder dusted off.  Just in time for Christmas and the New Year I am getting back on the wagon.  Not everyone quits smoking the first time but eventually it usually takes.  So here goes nothing.  

    

Moving to a Better Me

Today after 10 years in the suburbs we are packing up and moving to the country.  Not off-the-grid, banjo playing country.   But 5 acres of land, private driveway and rural post office route country. 

This is the beginning of a new chapter for my hubby and I.  This is the first house that we have bought together (he moved into my place before).  We are a moving to a new town that neither of us have ever lived in.  

The beauty of moving is leaving behind all the crap from this house.  The bad neighbors.  The annoying traffic.  The unruly kids.  The loose dogs.  

But maybe it can be a chance to leave behind some other unwanted baggage as well.  The unhealthy attitude. The inconsistent exercise and diet.  

Maybe it's a good time to welcome in some new habits.  Better dog training.  Better communication.  Following through on projects.  Planning better.  

Maybe I can stop beating myself up for the mistakes and missed opportunities of the past and focus on the potential for the future.  No, I don't think this move is a magic bullet but I work better with goals and plans and this move seems to be the perfect opportunity to reset myself.  

My husband has acknowledged that he needs a reset as well so we're in this together.  This new chapter will undoubtedly be better than the last.  The new me won't be all that different from the old me.  I think she will just live up to the person that she wants to be and like herself a little more.   

10 Days of Discovery

My husband and I just returned from a week long vacation in Europe.  I have studied Spanish since I was in elementary school but I am still very self conscious when I try to speak Spanish to other people.  During this vacation I spoke Spanish daily.  I tried to initiate all conversations with native speakers in Spanish.  A lot of people recognized that I was an American before I opened my mouth or a few words into my attempts at communication and started speaking to me in English (which I was grateful for).  But a lot of people didn't.  I was nervous at first but by the end of the week my confidence was up and my Spanish wasn't half bad.  

I would love it if I could speak Spanish on a regular basis.  I don't want to travel abroad frequently (I could really take it or leave it).  There are plenty of Spanish speakers in the US.  I just need to figure out what I can do to interact with other Spanish speakers on a regular basis. 

Before we left for vacation I worked harder than I have in months.  I went into the office and finished tasks that I had let pile up.  I took work home and completed projects that would be due shortly after I returned from vacation.  I took the initiative to organize tasks so that it would be harder for me to fall behind in the future.  I was able to complete all of this in 2-6 hours per work day.  I felt a huge sense of accomplishment and still had plenty of time left over.  I still need to work on how I manage this left over time but it felt great to be productive again without really having to try that hard. 

I have given myself 2 weeks off of teaching fitness.  I found substitute instructors to cover all of my classes so I could take the time to reset my class preparation routine.  When I first started teaching fitness I would work on routines for hours before presenting them to a class.  Even though no routine is ever perfect my preparation made me more relaxed and translated into me being a better teacher.   I want to walk into every class feeling confident that I'm going to be awesome.  I am lucky to have built a strong following among my class participants.  I want to make sure that I am always living up to my own reputation.  

#100 Days of Me

All over social media people have been doing these 100 days of something.  They post a picture (or several) daily and describe how it relates to their goal.  I have seen 100 days of selfies to learn to love yourself, 100 days of running/working out to get into shape, 100 days of healthy eating and, my favorite, 100 days of happy. 

In 100 days of happy, people focus on one thing that they have done that day that has made them happy.  The goal being to focus on something positive even if you've had a really awful day.  At the end of the 100 days you have a better outlook on life and keep looking for those bright moments even after the 100 days.  

I'm not having a bad year but I am in a bit of a rut.  I don't really like my job any more but I don't know if there is a job out there that would make me just as happy and have all the same benefits.  I've heard a lot of entrepreneurs say that if you can't find the job you love you should create it.  That's easy to say when you don't have a mortgage to pay but there is definitely some truth in that. 

I have a flexible schedule.  My bosses keep very loose tabs on all of us.  I could do so much more with my job than I am now without anyone batting an eye.  Maybe 10 hours of my work week are defined outside of meetings.  What I do with those other 30 hours is totally up to me.  What I usually do is half-ass work that isn't a priority and dabble in several hobbies without any major commitment or focus to any one thing.  Being a fitness instructor is what I really spend most of my time on but, to be honest, I half-ass my prep for that sometimes too.  

So in my 100 days of me I'm going to try and find myself.  I'm going to do things that feed my soul and help me to be happy again.  Maybe this journey will show me what my dream job is.  Maybe I'll find enough joy outside of my professional career that it will balance what I don't like about my job.  Maybe I'll realize that the problem isn't the job, it's me.  

The fact that I'm even going on this journey shows how much healthier I am than I was not too long ago.  I am still a work in progress but I have done more this year to improve myself than I have in a long time.  I seem to trend towards the negative in this blog so I'm going to end by patting myself on the back and reveling in my accomplishments:

1. I added strength training to my workout regiment and started paying more attention to what I eat.  I have lost 8 lbs and 12.5 inches since December and my BMI and Body fat percentage are on the decline.  Admittedly I have had some slip ups where 1-3 lbs of this weight back on after traveling but overall I am trending down and I know what to do to keep moving in the right direction. 
2. My husband and I started going to a marriage counselor to learn to communicate with each other better and to deal with issues from our past that affect how we interact with each other and the world. 
3.  I am wearing more fitted clothing to enjoy my body as it is now and stop focusing on all the parts that I don't like.  Am I learning what clothes to wear to accentuate the good (and camouflage the bad) and holding my head a little higher when I walk past a mirror.   

Finding Myself Again

I find myself at a crossroads.  I love being a fitness instructor and all of the things that come along with it.  I am more excited about a new workout outfit than I am about a new dress.  I love interacting with people and hearing their stories.  I love encouraging them to meet their goals and consoling them when things don't go their way.  My fitness classes are my social life.  We laugh, we talk, we dance, we sweat and then we go back to our regular lives.  Most of my week is full of practice and planning for my classes so that even when I'm not teaching most of my energy goes to fitness.   

My real job brings me very little joy.  I still like the idea of what I do but what I actually do at this point is far away from where I started.  As an engineer I solve problems.  I look at data and try to come up with solutions to those problems.  I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I solve a problem.  I enjoy the praise that I get from others when I solve a problem that has existed for year.  But after 15 years I am less of an engineer and more of a manager.  The problem with being good at your job is that you get promoted out of doing those tasks that you enjoy.  Most of the problems that I deal with now are related to people and not case studies.  On a good week, half of my time is spent being a real engineer.  

After 15 years I am burnt out.  I am at the point where I'm going to be promoted to upper management (which would equal no time being a real engineer) or I need to change careers.  If I was willing to work for a state or local agency I would have more chances to be an engineer until my retirement.  But, in doing this, I would give up the salary and the freedom that I have become so accustomed too.  Realistically, I could never afford to be a fitness instructor if I didn't have my engineering salary to pay for all my trips and certifications.  And I definitely wouldn't have the time to teach as often as I do if I had a 9-5 office job vs. a flex schedule.

So how to I find balance between a job that often feels like it is sucking the life out of me and a job that feeds my soul.  My life as an engineer is solitary and lonely but I wouldn't be able to afford my house, my car, anything without it.  My life as a fitness instructor is amazing.  I feel like a rock star. I can be myself and express myself with wild clothes and over the top hair styles.  When I go to business meetings I dress conservatively and keep to myself.  I have tons of great clothes in my closet but little opportunity to actually where them. 

I never thought I would say this but sometimes I miss working in an office.  I miss the business lunches and the water cooler conversations.  The happy hours and the office gossip.  The Christmas parties and summer picnics.  Because as much as I hated the high school clique-i-ness that often came out of those situations, it was a social life.  I always had plans for the weekend.  I carefully selected my clothes for work and other events because I cared about what people thought of me and I would be seen by a lot of people. 

Sometimes I wear my pajamas all day or until I head to the gym.  When I have meetings I put on nice clothes but usually that's just for a few hours and then its back to the sweats.  I try to force myself to get dressed up once a week and go to the office and go out to lunch but that almost makes it even lonelier.  I sit in my office by myself, I go out to lunch by myself and then I ask myself why I wasted the time getting dressed when no one notices me anyway. 

Of course my work friends were acquaintances and not lifetime friends.  They didn't really know me. It was all surface stuff but that's really what I'm missing.  A social life. Something to fill the gaps between fitness classes and sitting at my desk alone.  I recognize that the me from my fitness classes isn't the real me either. It is the other extreme of my personality, the loud, outgoing party girl.  But living at these two extremes and nothing in between leaves me feeling lost and lonely more often than I'd like.      

A New Year's Resolution Comes Early

So here we are again.  Another epiphany.  Another chance to redirect my life.  I tell myself that this time is going to be different.  That I'm not going to be lazy.  That I'm going to pay attention to my diet.  That I'm going to be the me that everyone seems to think that I am.  And maybe it will stick this time.  Maybe I will finally break through my own bad habits and get my shit together once and for all.  But really what is different this time?  Why am I going to be successful now when I never have before?  I don't know the answer but I feel like I'm ready to figure it out. 

I am a contradiction.  I weigh a little over 200 lbs.  I am 5'6" tall.  I am obese by any chart that look at.  My stomach and inner thighs are where I carry all my weight.  My calves and quads are solid.  When I flex, my biceps and triceps are impressive.  I teach Zumba and water aerobics.  I run half marathons.  People pay me to help them exercise and lose weight.  People look up to me.  I have helped people lose weight and develop healthy habits.  

Let me be clear that there is nothing wrong with being a curvy, fit girl.  I know and admire a lot of them.  Being skinny doesn't mean that you're healthy and being thick doesn't make you unhealthy.  But I know that this weight is unhealthy for me.  My joints are dying under the excess weight.  The typical injuries that I used to experience from working out are taking longer to heal.  Granted, my training isn't what it used to be (another thing I'm working on) so I'm more susceptible to injuries but the weight isn't helping.  

My blood pressure is normal.  I don't have diabetes.  I have never had a bad stress test, blood test or any other major medical condition to push me into a lifestyle change.  I know that this is because of luck.  Almost everyone in my extended family has diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure or another obesity related ailment.  I have seen them suffer because they refused to make changes in their lives.  I know eventually my luck will run out and my genes and my bad habits will win out.  That should be enough to motivate me but it hasn't been in the past. 

I am a very anxious person.  I obsess over what other people think of me all the time.  My anxiety gives me panic attacks and heart palpitations.  As I have gotten older I have become more nervous.  I know that this is because I am not balanced.  That if I were happy with myself and my life that no one could shake my confidence.  I think back to a time when I did yoga every morning and planned out my day.  When I wrote in my journal every night and stretched and practiced deep breathing exercises before bed.  I would plan out my day, my week, hell sometimes my month.  I was prepared for life and being prepared made me relaxed enough to enjoy it.  I didn't stop being this person all at once but gradually, I lost her and became that basket case that I am now.  

I recognize that I might not be able to fix everything on my own.  That if I don't start to feel better emotionally or if I feel like I continue to stand the way of my own success that I might need professional help.  I am ready to say that it doesn't make me weak to need help from someone else.  My number one priority is me. Whatever shame I have previously attached to professional help is gone now.  It is more important that I become healthy; my pride is going to have to get over itself. 

I have gained about 30 pounds in the past nine years.  My husband has gained about the same amount during that time.  Normally I go on these life changing missions on my own with the support of my husband but not the participation.  But this time he feels as bad about himself as I do about myself.  He misses the healthy body that he used to have.  So when I mentioned buying a diet book and trying to change our lives he was on board. 

I have bought celebrity diet books in the past.  I have done Nutri System.  I was on Weight Watchers.  But all of those offered short term success.  I eventually went back to my old habits. I never tried to make any big changes.  After I saw a few pounds drop off I gradually went back to my old ways and put the weight back on.  All of these diets/plans work great for other people. There is nothing wrong with any of them.  The problem was that I wasn't committed to changing my life.  That is why I wasn't successful.  I am ready now.  

So I picked up Dolvett's 3-2-1 Diet book this week.  And tomorrow we start the rest of our lives as a healthy couple.  I'm not going to get pre-packaged food delivered for the rest of my life.  I'm not going to count points.  I'm just going to change my habits and pull it together.  Easy right?

New Life Resolutions Revisited

Why is change so hard?  I've done Weight Watcher's and Nutri System, both with some success, but in the end abandoned both as not realistic in the long term.  Six weeks seems to be my limit for radical life change.  Supposedly after 6 weeks of anything your body adjusts to your new healthy lifestyle and things get easier.  Apparently my body didn't get that memo.  After 6 weeks all I want to do is go back to the comfortable habits I had before. 

As I creep back up to 200 lbs after successfully hitting a low of 186 recently, I am trying to give myself a come to Jesus moment.  Unfortunately, I have been here before.  I have an epiphany every week and swear I'm going to be better but it never seems to stick.  I'm not beating myself up.  I'm not throwing in the towel.  Per my New Year's Manifesto, I am determined to figure it out this year. 

Weight- I need to plan my meals like I did when I was on weight loss programs.  I am not good at making something healthy on the fly.  I need to fill my house with enough healthy options for a week so that it is as easy to stick to my guns as when I did Nutri System.  If I have to go so far as measuring and separating out my meals into containers that's what I'll do.  Diabetes, thyroid disease, high blood pressure, etc are all knocking on my door.  I have to get the weight off for good this time. 

Exercise- I have been very good with running but not much of anything else.  I will be a better runner if I make a effort to stretch and tone my body more.  Yoga and strength training are activities that I love but rarely make time for any more.  My joints are aching.  I am injury prone and stressed.  I need to do this before I get an injury that prevents me from exercising at all.  Then I would really be depressed. 

I also need to practice my choreography more.  There is nothing that makes me happier than teaching Zumba but I need to stop with the last minute prep for class.  I had not being polished and feeling like I'm being judged for sloppy choreo.  I am a great dancer.  I need to be a great teacher as well. 

Sleep- This one is kind of out of my control.  I have been an insomniac my whole life.  I do know that sticking to a regular routine helps me sleep better.  So I need to develop a sleep ritual an stick to it.  If I started feeling rested I would be less stressed and have more energy to get through my day. 

Work- I used to be awesome at my job.  Then I got comfortable and let everything slide.  I continue to get praise and raises despite barely putting in 10 hours most weeks.  It's starting to catch up to me and I see an epic fail in my future if I don't pull it together.  I don't think my job is in jeopardy but my pride and my reputation are.  I need to make it clear that I am valuable and capable of being just as productive as I once was. I want to be a superstar at work again and stop cruising. 

Pets- I have more animal books, articles, knowledge than any sane person should.  I can go into someone else's house and quickly diagnose what their doing wrong with their pets and help them develop a plan to fix it.  Why I can't put that knowledge to work in my own life is a mystery to me.  I would be some much happier if my pets were balanced and well behaved.  It's not going to happen overnight but the hard work would be well worth getting rid of the guilt, stress and shame that I feel now. 

Marriage- I am very lucky to be married to my best friend.  Unfortunately sometimes we are more like best buddies than husband and wife.  I really need to make an effort to be a better wife and partner and not just a good roommate.  We have a great marriage but if we don't fix the little problems they may become big problems down the road.  I can't imagine anything worse than losing my soul mate.  My husband and I have already made a commitment to focusing on our issues this year.  I feel like we're going to hit this one out of the park. 

At some point this year I'd like to be able to:

• Walk my dog in my neighborhood. 
• Sit on the couch with my dog and cat.
• Stop shopping at Lane Bryant for clothes. 
• Run a 10 minute mile. 
• Sit and do a crossword puzzle before work or Zumba because I'm prepared and don't have to rush and do anything at the last minute. 
• Wake up and fall asleep next to my husband. 
• Be proud of myself. 

Planning Ahead for Success

When I was in high school a large part of my social life came from marching and concert bands.  Marching band was almost like a full time job with practices starting in August for competitions and football games that ran from September through November.  Every week my mom would take me to the grocery store to pick up my snacks and lunches.  On weeks when we were traveling to competitions I really loaded up my cooler with tons of food and drinks.  I knew that I was going to spend hours on the bus between stops and would have little choice in which fast food restaurants we stopped at for lunch and dinner.  In college I did the same thing when traveling to karate competitions and going on football road trips.  But that all changed when I got a full time job.

When I started my first real job out of college I was poor.  I was living in my friends basement because I couldn't afford rent and selling CDs to buy groceries and put gas in my car.  I became very good at going grocery shopping on a tight budget and packing great lunches for myself.  Whenever I had to go out to the field for work I would pack my lunch because I didn't have any money to buy lunch.  My company would have reimbursed me for any money that I spent on food while I was traveling but I didn't have room on a credit card to buy the lunches or the flexibility to wait a month to get paid back.

If important people were in town or there was a meeting, someone would buy lunch for the whole office.  I loved these days.  I never met a free meal that I didn't like.  My bland peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were no match for Chinese buffet, Chick Fil A, pizza, Mexican food and all the other delicious foods that I would get for free.  Over the years as my financial situation and position in the company improved I was able to indulge even more.  I could pick my favorite restaurants and eat whatever I wanted and my company would reimburse me.  I spent at least a couple days in the field or in meetings every week and enjoyed the rich meals and happy hours that came with it.

I managed to only gain 10 lbs during my 5 years at this job because I was still very physically active.  When I started my current job I continued the same eating habits that I had developed at my previous job.  The problem was now I had a significant pay increase and a corporate credit card.  The quality of my lunches increased dramatically because I didn't have the limits of my personal credit card limit.  I now had the freedom to schedule multiple dinners and lunches every week and not only indulge myself but take all those lower level people that were in the position that I used to be in with me.  People loved it when I came around because I always bought lunch.  I became that important person that would take people away from their boring lunches. 

When I wasn't at work I still went out to eat all the time because I had more expendable cash.  My new status meant I could afford to eat out several days a week.  When I first started this job I had a lot of catching up to do so I worked long hours and traveled a lot.  I wasn't able to work out as much as I had been before and there was no karate dojo, marching band or other organization to keep me in check.  Six months into the job I had gained 10 pounds. 

At that point I met the man who would become my husband and spent the next year in a long distance relationship.  During that year I spent even more time eating out while I was traveling to see him.  When I wasn't visiting him I worked long hours to make up for all the time I was spending traveling to see him.  I was not working out consistently and put on another 15 pounds.

When my husband moved in we got our house remodeled.  I worked from home and oversaw the contractors during this time.  I continued working from home after the contractors were finished.  In the past I worked out before/after work and relaxed once I got home.  Outside of an organized group, I have never been good at leaving the house again once I got home.  When I started working from home, I didn't have to leave the house so I didn't.  I would go days without starting my car.  I own a treadmill, a heavy bag and have access to an endless supply of workout DVDs but that doesn't mean I have the motivation to use them.   A year after my wedding I was at my highest weight of 212 pounds, 12 pounds heavier than my previous highest weight. 

When I became a zumba instructor I lost 14 pounds but my eating habits have made it difficult for me to keep losing weight.  Success on Weight Watchers and Nutri System show me that if I eat better I will lose weight but sticking to those plans is difficult.  My joints are screaming for me to lose weight.  I use the excuse that I travel for work and don't have any choice in what I eat but I know that isn't true.  I can just as easily drive to the grocery store and use my corporate credit card to fill a cooler with healthier options.

Yesterday I had McDonald's for breakfast KFC for lunch and TGIFridays for dinner.  I was driving around all day so the only meals that were available to me were fast food restaurants that were near my work sites.  Once I checked into the hotel I was able to go to a nicer restaurant for dinner.  I only ate half of my pasta dinner and drank water so I had the calories left to enjoy dessert but I felt bad about having a third meal out for the day.  Too my credit, in the past I would have had several drinks and an appetizer on top of my dinner and dessert.  When properly motivated, I do have the willpower to make good decisions.  But sometimes when there are other people around me indulging I follow the peer pressure and eat crap.  Or if I've had a really long day I feel like I have earned the right to indulge. 

I didn't work out yesterday because I was so tired from driving but also because I had to prepare for today's meetings.  If I would have prepared ahead of time I would have had time to workout and would probably feel a lot better this morning.  Working from home has often become just being at home and not really working.  Even though I enjoy the freedom of working from home I don't really have the discipline to get enough done to be productive.  And when I leave my house I usually fit in a workout at the gym or a run at the park. 

So maybe I need to pretend like I'm in high school again and pack a cooler filled with enough food and snacks for 8 hours.  I need to go back to going to the office for at least half a day and scheduling my workouts around work.  I need to set boundaries when I'm at home so I don't find myself sitting on the couch for 6 hours.  And most of all I need to remind myself that good food doesn't mean comfort food and that having an expense account means that I can be more selective about my meals and pick healthier, pricier options. 

So many of my peers are overweight and unhealthy.  It seems to be the mark of success in my field.  But there are a number of them that are at the gym before and after meetings and not eating the fried platter for dinner.  I know that motivated person is inside me somewhere, I just need to find her. 

Taking Back My Life

I accomplished most of the goals I set for myself last week. I ran four times. Even when my ankle was bothering me I did a brisk walk rather than skip my workout. I did 45 minutes of strength training- 2 in the gym and one at home. I only did 30 minutes of the 90 minutes of yoga I wanted to do and I didn't do my "bonus" workout. Normally I would write off the entire week and eat half a pie for not achieving every one of my goals. But I'm trying to focus on the positive.

I had work meetings for three days last week which means three meals a day out to eat, long hours and very little me time. So the fact that I got any workouts in at all is impressive. I do need to focus on making better food choices and not eating such large portions. I definitely eat out of habit/boredom rather than to actually satisfy my hunger. I'm going to focus on thinking about what I'm eating before I stuff my face.

I also need to make sure my day includes me time so that I'm not running around like crazy taking care of pets, the house or my husband. They aren't going to die if don't have dinner on the table until 6:30 pm. Honestly, I think I'll be much better company if I have a chance to decrompress from my day of work before I dive into domestic diva mode.

So 1 week down, 6 more to go. Supposedly that's how long it takes to develop a habit. I'm not going to worry about my weight or my measurements during this time. I'm just going to try to meet the goals that I've set for myself and if the scale doesn't budge then I'll have to re-evaluate my goals at that time. But I won't beat myself up. I will be proud of myself because even if I'm still 40 lbs overweight I'll feel much healthier and love myself a lot more.