Finding Balance

How do you find balance between being size positive and being a glutton?  Being a curvy girl that works out and doesn't diet and being a person who mindlessly eats way more calories than is healthy are not the same thing.  I find my middle and my thighs getting fatter over the years despite my weekly calorie burn increasing with more mileage and more classes.  

I follow a lot of amazing people on social media.  Plus size athletes that are killing it.  But as I listen to their podcasts and read their blogs I recognize that I'm not where they are.  I want to be.  I am sometimes perceived to be.  I want to be the best version of me.  And I know that I'm not right now.  

Counting calories and not eating whatever you want sucks.  But eating the amount of sugar and sodium that I do in a day is only going to lead to health problems down the road.  I have been blessed with health problems from my genes that are beyond my control.  I don't want to make things worse.

So what's the solution?  I like the idea of days where I can splurge and days when I have more control.  Dr. Ian from the Biggest Loser had a book a few years back called the 3-1-2-1 diet.  This program told you to be good for 3 days and then have a cheat day and then 2 more good days followed by a cheat day.  This is a realistic goal that I can achieve.  

At the end of a lot of days I find myself sluggish and falling asleep on the couch because I have gorged myself.  Making healthy food choices will make me feel better.  Replacing some of those fatty and salty staples with fruits and veggies and healthy proteins will give me more energy.  

So with two more days of vacation before I go back to reality this probably isn't the best time to start something new.  But really there is never going to be a good time.  I find that I have the most clarity first thing in the morning.  I will try to go back to journaling when I first wake up.  Before I start taking care of everyone else, I need to take better care of myself.  

Here we go again.  

No Will Power aka Mindless Eating

Yesterday I went to Dunkin to pick up a breakfast sandwich for dinner.  Not the healthiest post-workout meal but I had 30 minutes after teaching my class to get changed and get to an event.  Eating in my car and frequent visits to drive thru lanes are bad habits I know.

Well Dunkin had a deal where you could get 2 breakfast sandwiches for $5.  So almost 1/2 price.  When the cashier asked me if I wanted to get 2, of course I said yes.  Thinking about the money that I was saving and that I already had my post-workout meal ready for the next day when I would have a similar time crunch. 

So now I’ve doubled down on my bad decision.  I have followed up 2 calorie-scorching sessions with meals that most likely undo all my hard work.  When people say they can’t believe I’m not thin even though I work out so much I spout bullshit about metabolism and bad genes but the reality is I have terrible eating habits and no will power.

So fast forward to today.  I teach class and then eat my 2nd breakfast sandwich as I run into a meeting.  There are donut holes and fruit on the table.  I gorge myself on fruit and only eat 3 donut holes.  I eat a sensible salad for lunch. 

When I get home at the end of a long day I watch Netflix as I fold laundry.  I snack on some iced animal cookies mindlessly while I do this.  My husband makes dinner and sets a full plate in front of me that matches his.  I think for a moment that this is way too much food for me and that I should put some of it away for later.  Of course this is not what I do.  I clean my plate.  Even though halfway through I am satisfied and by the end I am struggling to finish the last couple bites. 

My husband is significantly taller than me.  There is no reason we should ever be eating the same portion sizes.  I workout a lot and he doesn’t. I often justify our twin eating because I burn more calories than him and need the extra fuel.  This is such bs.  We are both eating way too much food.  We are mindlessly eating and it is preventing both of us from losing weight. 

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions.  Every year I find myself trying to reinvent myself and every year I seem to manage to fail in this area.  

Rinse and Repeat

You have a terrible day.  Everything that can go wrong does.  And all of it could have been avoided if you prepared better.  If you balanced your time.  If after 40 years on earth you had gained time management skills.  So you tell yourself, this is my rock bottom.  I will never let this happen again.  I will get my sh%t together and not ever have another day like this again.  

And you will be better….for a little while.  Maybe a day, hell maybe a whole month.  But in the end, if you don’t make any big changes you will fall into the same old patterns.  Sure you’ll dodge a couple bullets.  You’ll pull an all-nighter to prepare for your presentation. Your class will get cancelled because of bad weather, giving you another week to prepare.  But it will catch up to you eventually.  It always does.  

At that point you’ll have that same conversation with yourself.  You’ll say never again but you’ll remember that you’ve said this before.  You are angry at yourself. You can’t believe that it’s gotten this bad again.  So you feel sorry for yourself for a day and you start again tomorrow.  Hoping that this time is the last time and you’ve truly learned your lesson.    

Learning Discipline

Yesterday I ate so much food that I threw up.  This has never happened to me before.  I've been sick from food poisoning, food allergies, stomach bugs and alcohol but never from stuffing myself.  

I have been very good about making healthier choices when I go out to eat and not giving in to all of my cravings.  If I'm stuck getting fast food when I'm traveling I get the burger or the fries, not both.  I pack healthy snacks into a cooler and keep them in my car so that between meals I won't be tempted by Dunkin Donuts and other highway evils.  I eat a lot less than I used to and notice that I get full quicker. But yesterday was a long day.  

After my second day out of town I was tired of having salad for lunch and steamed broccoli instead of french fries with dinner.  I wanted to get a refill on my drinks rather than just drinking my one lemonade and then water.  I had survived a rough stretch of days and I wanted to reward myself rather than deprive myself.  

So I went through the Dunkin Donuts drive thru and ordered a breakfast sandwich, a donut and a coolata.  I'll admit everything was pretty delicious but also painfully rich compared to what I've been eating.  Then when I got home we picked up Mexican food.  My husband asked me if I was hungry.  I wasn't but I liked the idea of a delicious quesadilla so I said yes.  I couldn't think of the last time I had a quesadilla from a restaurant.  The gluten free, low fat quesadillas that I make at home are good but not nearly as satisfying.    

Halfway through the quesadilla I felt full but I kept eating anyway.  After a couple more bites I felt a strong urge to throw up.  I ran to the bathroom and the quesadilla reappeared.  I am ashamed of myself for not listening to my body.  For rewarding myself with unhealthy food.  For lacking the discipline to make healthier choices. But I am also kind of proud of myself.  The old me could have eaten 2 quesadillas in one sitting without blinking an eye.  

Eating smaller portions and healthier food has changed my stomach.  I couldn't gorge myself if I tried.  My body just won't let me.  That in itself is proof of my progress (in a sort of backwards, way I know).  So this morning I'm drinking my high protein smoothie and heading off to yoga to recenter myself and get back on track.  

The Voices in My Head

Whenever I'm getting in my own way with negative self talk, I like to watch "feel good" reality shows on demand.  For me this means weight loss or make over shows.  When I'm down on myself for having 2 pumpkin pie and white chocolate chip cookies (so delicious) and ready to throw the whole day in the trash I need perspective.  Because of one slip I'm ready to go over the edge and these shows bring me back.  

There is something about seeing someone who has a lot more shit to work through than me that helps me. Should I be eating cookies when I've already had my sweat cheat for the day?  No.  Is it the end of my healthy new lifestyle and attitude.  No.   After not meeting a weight goal or eating a little too much when out with friends the people on my TV hop right back on the wagon.  Granted, they have cameras in their face and millions of people like me at home watching, but still, they persevere.  

They don't over analyze why they reached for the cookies in the first place or decide to eat 8 more cookies to wallow in their mistake.  They just shake it off and move on.  They maintain a positive attitude whether even though they may have 100 or 200 pounds to lose.  Because they are celebrating the journey that they decided to take to better health.  This is about the war, not every single battle.  My husband is very good at reminding me to get out out my head and to stop sabotaging myself.  I'm so glad that I married such a glass is half full guy. Honestly, sometimes it's hard for me to even see the glass!

Starting a new eating plan one week before Christmas was ambitious enough.  I'm going to do my best to make good food choices and get my workouts in this week.  But if I don't meet all my goals and the scale isn't my friend Sunday morning I'm going to leave this week in the past and start fresh next week.

So what did I do today?  I made a freezer full of healthy high protein and fiber smoothies to last me the next few days, baked spinach chips for snaking and ate more vegetables and fruits than normal.  Tomorrow is another day but today isn't all that bad after all.     

New Life Resolutions

There used to be this annoying TV commercial about advertising that had the tag line " Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definition of insanity" or something like that.  I think it was to encourage people to stop advertising in the yellow pages and start advertising on the Internet.  When I am struggling at different points in my life I often think of this quote. 

Why is my 5K time not getting faster?  Because I'm not training any differently. 

Why am I not losing weight?  Because I'm not eating any differently.

Why aren't my pets behavioral problems getting better?  Because I'm not doing anything differently.

I could go on and on.  My professional life.  My personal life.  There are a number of things that I wish were better but if I'm just sitting here wishing and whining I'm not going to make any progress.  It seems like every January people are filled with promise that they are going to turn their lives around.  They gyms are packed.  Everyone is going to run a marathon, lose 10 lbs, spend more time with their families, etc.  And then 6 weeks later their lives return back to normal and they join the majority of the world who fail on their New Year's Resolutions.  

What would it take to be in the minority?  To be one of those people who sets a goal, has discipline and then actually achieves those goals.  You've seen those people- the one's who lose 100 lbs, run a marathon, quit their soul crushing jobs and start their own business.  These people exist.  

So I'm not going to say these are my New Year's Resolutions because these are life changes that I need to make.  To be a happier, healthier, more productive human being and someone that I am proud to be.  I have made improvements in a lot of areas of my life over the past few years and I am proud of those improvements.  I am a much better person than I used to be but there are a still lot of things that I need to change. 

I could go on for pages about every area of my life that I want to change.  I'm just going to focus on one at a time.  I'm going to try to ask myself, when making decisions: "Is this a decision that will help me meet my goal?  I am going to feel better or worse about myself at the end of the day?"

My first resolution is to write more.  I have been keeping a journal since I was three years old.  I feel better when I write.  I find that I am less combative (and less of a conversation hog) when I write.  I have become pretty good about writing in my journal at the end of the day to clear my head before I try to sleep.  I would like to start blogging in the morning.  I wake up at least an hour before my husband.  That needs to be my zen time.  And so it begins.   

Planning Ahead for Success

When I was in high school a large part of my social life came from marching and concert bands.  Marching band was almost like a full time job with practices starting in August for competitions and football games that ran from September through November.  Every week my mom would take me to the grocery store to pick up my snacks and lunches.  On weeks when we were traveling to competitions I really loaded up my cooler with tons of food and drinks.  I knew that I was going to spend hours on the bus between stops and would have little choice in which fast food restaurants we stopped at for lunch and dinner.  In college I did the same thing when traveling to karate competitions and going on football road trips.  But that all changed when I got a full time job.

When I started my first real job out of college I was poor.  I was living in my friends basement because I couldn't afford rent and selling CDs to buy groceries and put gas in my car.  I became very good at going grocery shopping on a tight budget and packing great lunches for myself.  Whenever I had to go out to the field for work I would pack my lunch because I didn't have any money to buy lunch.  My company would have reimbursed me for any money that I spent on food while I was traveling but I didn't have room on a credit card to buy the lunches or the flexibility to wait a month to get paid back.

If important people were in town or there was a meeting, someone would buy lunch for the whole office.  I loved these days.  I never met a free meal that I didn't like.  My bland peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were no match for Chinese buffet, Chick Fil A, pizza, Mexican food and all the other delicious foods that I would get for free.  Over the years as my financial situation and position in the company improved I was able to indulge even more.  I could pick my favorite restaurants and eat whatever I wanted and my company would reimburse me.  I spent at least a couple days in the field or in meetings every week and enjoyed the rich meals and happy hours that came with it.

I managed to only gain 10 lbs during my 5 years at this job because I was still very physically active.  When I started my current job I continued the same eating habits that I had developed at my previous job.  The problem was now I had a significant pay increase and a corporate credit card.  The quality of my lunches increased dramatically because I didn't have the limits of my personal credit card limit.  I now had the freedom to schedule multiple dinners and lunches every week and not only indulge myself but take all those lower level people that were in the position that I used to be in with me.  People loved it when I came around because I always bought lunch.  I became that important person that would take people away from their boring lunches. 

When I wasn't at work I still went out to eat all the time because I had more expendable cash.  My new status meant I could afford to eat out several days a week.  When I first started this job I had a lot of catching up to do so I worked long hours and traveled a lot.  I wasn't able to work out as much as I had been before and there was no karate dojo, marching band or other organization to keep me in check.  Six months into the job I had gained 10 pounds. 

At that point I met the man who would become my husband and spent the next year in a long distance relationship.  During that year I spent even more time eating out while I was traveling to see him.  When I wasn't visiting him I worked long hours to make up for all the time I was spending traveling to see him.  I was not working out consistently and put on another 15 pounds.

When my husband moved in we got our house remodeled.  I worked from home and oversaw the contractors during this time.  I continued working from home after the contractors were finished.  In the past I worked out before/after work and relaxed once I got home.  Outside of an organized group, I have never been good at leaving the house again once I got home.  When I started working from home, I didn't have to leave the house so I didn't.  I would go days without starting my car.  I own a treadmill, a heavy bag and have access to an endless supply of workout DVDs but that doesn't mean I have the motivation to use them.   A year after my wedding I was at my highest weight of 212 pounds, 12 pounds heavier than my previous highest weight. 

When I became a zumba instructor I lost 14 pounds but my eating habits have made it difficult for me to keep losing weight.  Success on Weight Watchers and Nutri System show me that if I eat better I will lose weight but sticking to those plans is difficult.  My joints are screaming for me to lose weight.  I use the excuse that I travel for work and don't have any choice in what I eat but I know that isn't true.  I can just as easily drive to the grocery store and use my corporate credit card to fill a cooler with healthier options.

Yesterday I had McDonald's for breakfast KFC for lunch and TGIFridays for dinner.  I was driving around all day so the only meals that were available to me were fast food restaurants that were near my work sites.  Once I checked into the hotel I was able to go to a nicer restaurant for dinner.  I only ate half of my pasta dinner and drank water so I had the calories left to enjoy dessert but I felt bad about having a third meal out for the day.  Too my credit, in the past I would have had several drinks and an appetizer on top of my dinner and dessert.  When properly motivated, I do have the willpower to make good decisions.  But sometimes when there are other people around me indulging I follow the peer pressure and eat crap.  Or if I've had a really long day I feel like I have earned the right to indulge. 

I didn't work out yesterday because I was so tired from driving but also because I had to prepare for today's meetings.  If I would have prepared ahead of time I would have had time to workout and would probably feel a lot better this morning.  Working from home has often become just being at home and not really working.  Even though I enjoy the freedom of working from home I don't really have the discipline to get enough done to be productive.  And when I leave my house I usually fit in a workout at the gym or a run at the park. 

So maybe I need to pretend like I'm in high school again and pack a cooler filled with enough food and snacks for 8 hours.  I need to go back to going to the office for at least half a day and scheduling my workouts around work.  I need to set boundaries when I'm at home so I don't find myself sitting on the couch for 6 hours.  And most of all I need to remind myself that good food doesn't mean comfort food and that having an expense account means that I can be more selective about my meals and pick healthier, pricier options. 

So many of my peers are overweight and unhealthy.  It seems to be the mark of success in my field.  But there are a number of them that are at the gym before and after meetings and not eating the fried platter for dinner.  I know that motivated person is inside me somewhere, I just need to find her. 

My Weight Watcher's Journey Begins

I feel like I have been struggling with my weight my whole life but, in reality, it has only been for the past 10-15 years.  I thought I was fat when I was kid because I developed early and my flat-chested, hip-less peers called me fat.  I wish I could tell that size 3 girl how awesome she was now.  The fact that I remember the names and situations of every time someone has called me fat or ugly in my life tells me this is where it all started.  Most of my relatives talk about weight non-stop.  Someone is always too fat or too skinny.  No one every asks how you are or about your job or family.  The first thing out of any one's mouth is "Wow you've gotten fat" or "You're finally starting to slim down".  Granted, about half of my family is morbidly obese and suffer from the medical problems that come with that so it is probably the focus of their lives as well.  I have always been active and fit, even as an overweight person, and have prided myself on not being diabetic or suffering from the other ailments that my relatives have.

A few years ago I went on Nutri System and lost 15lbs.  The moment I went off Nutri System I gained the 15 lbs back plus and extra 10.  I know that Nutri System worked for me because I didn't have to think.  I just had to grab a box out of the pantry and eat it.  It was expensive but it was easy.  I am a lazy person and I wasn't going through drive-thrus because there was finally something that was equally convenient.  But I didn't learn the right things to eat.  I didn't learn to control any of my cravings or bad habits.  I hadn't gained weight when I gave myself 2 cheat days a week so I got cocky.  Two cheat days became three, then dinner every night, then the diet was out the window and I was 211 pounds.

Once I became a zumba instructor 2 years ago I was able to bring my weight back down to 198.  I have maintained this weight for a while but it is still too heavy for my 5'6" frame and I don't feel good about the way that I look.  People have been talking about Weight Watchers for years but I never thought it was for me.  It sounded like a lot of work and the idea of going to meetings does not appeal to me at all.  But after hearing Jennifer Hudson and Charles Barkley interviewed about their weight loss by using Weight Watchers, I'll admit I was curious.  My husband and I joined the online program and I lost 10 lbs in 5 weeks.  I have not had a 18_ weight in 6 years. 

My excitement lasted for about a week but after two weeks of traveling for work I put 3 lbs back on.  Yes, I am still down 7 lbs but I am worried that it is all going to come back on.  My job involves a lot of time in my car, going to meetings and eating out.  There aren't always healthy food options available and/or time to exercise.  During the summer I am out of town for 2-3 days at a time a couple times a month on top of my normal 2-3 hour drives for meetings 1-4 times a month.  I was complaining to my husband and he immediately, and correctly, put me in my place.

He told me that being out of town for 3 days wasn't an excuse to throw everything out the window the other 4 days.  No, there aren't always healthy menu options but that doesn't mean that I have to go for the most unhealthy options.  Not to mention all the happy hour drinking and desserts.  And even if it's only 15 minutes, I can probably find time to work out if I'm not hung over or watching some stupid movie on HBO.  He was absolutely right.

As much as I don't want to admit it, losing weight is going to be work.  I can prepare my meals at the beginning of the week so that it can be as easy as Nutri System was.  I can work on my time management better so I'm not always running behind schedule and feeling unprepared.  I can find other outlets for my stress that don't involve food or sitting in front of a screen.  Lots of people that I work with are fit and make better meal choices when we got out.  There is no reason that I can't do the same. 

Next week I will be in Pittsburgh, one of my favorite cities.  The food and nightlife are amazing but I have to have some restraint.  I don't want to feel sick after a meal.  I want to love myself all the time, not just because of the way that I look but because of the way that I carry myself.  It felt so good to wear pants that have been in the back of my closet for 5 years.  I know that I can be successful if I just put a little more effort into it.

Birthday Restraint

I just celebrated my 35th birthday.  As always, my husband and I went out to dinner at a popular chain restaurant that serves obscene portions of yummy, bad-for-you food.  In preparation for this night, I was very careful with what I ate all day.  I ate lighter than normal.  I made sure I didn't load up on carbs.  I ate lots of fruits and veggies and mini-meals throughout the day.  I wanted to make sure I had plenty of room for all that food I knew I was going to eat.

I was able to eat a lot of food that night without completely gorging myself.  In the past I have made myself physically ill by eating too much.  I am happy to say that I didn't get to that point.  I didn't eat light by any means and definitely made myself a little uncomfortable with fullness but it passed quickly.  I also brought home enough leftovers for a couple of reasonably sized lunches. 

The big question is why can't I exercise this level of restraint every day? Why can't I spend all day being careful so I don't have to beat myself up if I have two tacos for dinner or a bowl of ice cream for dessert.  The anticipation of a splurge meal gave me more incentive to eat right than anything has in a long time.  I didn't feel hungry or like I was punishing myself. 

When I was on NutriSystem, I was careful to follow the plan throughout the day and at night I ate dinner with my husband.  He was not on NutriSystem so it was a regular dinner.  I tried to eat smaller servings at dinner but it was not an on program meal. I lost 15 pounds doing this. 

I am down 20 lbs from my highest weight but I probably have another 20 to go before I'm healthy.  I am at the weight where I always seem to plateau and then spike back up.  I have been this weight multiple times over the past few years but never for very long.  I am going to do my best to push myself through this wall that I keep hitting and find a new low in my weight loss journey.

I'm hoping my next birthday finds me in an even healthier place.