Finding Balance

How do you find balance between being size positive and being a glutton?  Being a curvy girl that works out and doesn't diet and being a person who mindlessly eats way more calories than is healthy are not the same thing.  I find my middle and my thighs getting fatter over the years despite my weekly calorie burn increasing with more mileage and more classes.  

I follow a lot of amazing people on social media.  Plus size athletes that are killing it.  But as I listen to their podcasts and read their blogs I recognize that I'm not where they are.  I want to be.  I am sometimes perceived to be.  I want to be the best version of me.  And I know that I'm not right now.  

Counting calories and not eating whatever you want sucks.  But eating the amount of sugar and sodium that I do in a day is only going to lead to health problems down the road.  I have been blessed with health problems from my genes that are beyond my control.  I don't want to make things worse.

So what's the solution?  I like the idea of days where I can splurge and days when I have more control.  Dr. Ian from the Biggest Loser had a book a few years back called the 3-1-2-1 diet.  This program told you to be good for 3 days and then have a cheat day and then 2 more good days followed by a cheat day.  This is a realistic goal that I can achieve.  

At the end of a lot of days I find myself sluggish and falling asleep on the couch because I have gorged myself.  Making healthy food choices will make me feel better.  Replacing some of those fatty and salty staples with fruits and veggies and healthy proteins will give me more energy.  

So with two more days of vacation before I go back to reality this probably isn't the best time to start something new.  But really there is never going to be a good time.  I find that I have the most clarity first thing in the morning.  I will try to go back to journaling when I first wake up.  Before I start taking care of everyone else, I need to take better care of myself.  

Here we go again.  

The Big Dream in the Sky

Fleet Feet has been advertising for new employees for a while now.  And every time I see the post I think about it.  Why not me?  I started running track in middle school.  I've been doing road races since high school.  I am a runner.  But then reality sets in and I know that would never happen. 

That I would never be able to stand beside these sub-7 minute milers with their 5% body fat and feel like their equal.  I know that elite runners would not trust me to be an expert.  That the same people that assume I'm a walker when I come in the store to get fitted for shoes would not take my advice or want my help.  The assholes who say with shock "You're running the half?" when I go to pick up my race number and there is a shorter race on the same day.  Like it is just unfathomable that someone that looks like me could be a runner.  That the hundreds of people that look like me at races are an allusion.

I could coordinate group runs.  I could teach fitness classes.  I could make people like me feel good.  I would try not to make assumptions and treat people with respect.  I would be the healthiest me ever because I would be surrounded by healthy people.  A little color and a little curvyness are exactly what Fleet Feet needs.  

But the reality is that no matter how many life affirming groups that I am a part of online I will never be fully accepted by some runners.  I will always be judged.  And I will always feel self conscious because of that.  I could never be confident enough to fit some elite high school athlete for shoes and discuss his mechanics and give him tips on how to be better.  And that makes me sad.  

Maybe if I lived in a more diverse area but to be the only non-white person and the only thick runner would be too much for me.  I could put on the bravado and fake it but inside I would be constantly on edge and I know that's not a life I want to live. But I can fantasize about a world where it could happen.

Moving to a Better Me

Today after 10 years in the suburbs we are packing up and moving to the country.  Not off-the-grid, banjo playing country.   But 5 acres of land, private driveway and rural post office route country. 

This is the beginning of a new chapter for my hubby and I.  This is the first house that we have bought together (he moved into my place before).  We are a moving to a new town that neither of us have ever lived in.  

The beauty of moving is leaving behind all the crap from this house.  The bad neighbors.  The annoying traffic.  The unruly kids.  The loose dogs.  

But maybe it can be a chance to leave behind some other unwanted baggage as well.  The unhealthy attitude. The inconsistent exercise and diet.  

Maybe it's a good time to welcome in some new habits.  Better dog training.  Better communication.  Following through on projects.  Planning better.  

Maybe I can stop beating myself up for the mistakes and missed opportunities of the past and focus on the potential for the future.  No, I don't think this move is a magic bullet but I work better with goals and plans and this move seems to be the perfect opportunity to reset myself.  

My husband has acknowledged that he needs a reset as well so we're in this together.  This new chapter will undoubtedly be better than the last.  The new me won't be all that different from the old me.  I think she will just live up to the person that she wants to be and like herself a little more.   

The Voices in My Head

Whenever I'm getting in my own way with negative self talk, I like to watch "feel good" reality shows on demand.  For me this means weight loss or make over shows.  When I'm down on myself for having 2 pumpkin pie and white chocolate chip cookies (so delicious) and ready to throw the whole day in the trash I need perspective.  Because of one slip I'm ready to go over the edge and these shows bring me back.  

There is something about seeing someone who has a lot more shit to work through than me that helps me. Should I be eating cookies when I've already had my sweat cheat for the day?  No.  Is it the end of my healthy new lifestyle and attitude.  No.   After not meeting a weight goal or eating a little too much when out with friends the people on my TV hop right back on the wagon.  Granted, they have cameras in their face and millions of people like me at home watching, but still, they persevere.  

They don't over analyze why they reached for the cookies in the first place or decide to eat 8 more cookies to wallow in their mistake.  They just shake it off and move on.  They maintain a positive attitude whether even though they may have 100 or 200 pounds to lose.  Because they are celebrating the journey that they decided to take to better health.  This is about the war, not every single battle.  My husband is very good at reminding me to get out out my head and to stop sabotaging myself.  I'm so glad that I married such a glass is half full guy. Honestly, sometimes it's hard for me to even see the glass!

Starting a new eating plan one week before Christmas was ambitious enough.  I'm going to do my best to make good food choices and get my workouts in this week.  But if I don't meet all my goals and the scale isn't my friend Sunday morning I'm going to leave this week in the past and start fresh next week.

So what did I do today?  I made a freezer full of healthy high protein and fiber smoothies to last me the next few days, baked spinach chips for snaking and ate more vegetables and fruits than normal.  Tomorrow is another day but today isn't all that bad after all.     

Positive Thinking

The list of things that I want to improve in my life gets longer every day.  I am disappointed in myself for not following through on my own expectations.  But I'm not going to focus on that.  I'm going to start fresh today. I'm not going to make some big list of all the things that I'm going to work on or set some deadline for success like I normally do.  This time I am not going to set myself up for failure.  I'm just going to start fresh today.  I am going to do my best to stop dwelling on all the things that I haven't done in the past or all the things that I need to do in the future.  I am going to work on one thing at a time.  I am going to rebuild my confidence and my life in baby steps.  

This week my only daily goal is to meditate.  To relax, breathe and think.  I know that when I am more balanced I will be more successful at everything else that I need to do.