No Will Power aka Mindless Eating

Yesterday I went to Dunkin to pick up a breakfast sandwich for dinner.  Not the healthiest post-workout meal but I had 30 minutes after teaching my class to get changed and get to an event.  Eating in my car and frequent visits to drive thru lanes are bad habits I know.

Well Dunkin had a deal where you could get 2 breakfast sandwiches for $5.  So almost 1/2 price.  When the cashier asked me if I wanted to get 2, of course I said yes.  Thinking about the money that I was saving and that I already had my post-workout meal ready for the next day when I would have a similar time crunch. 

So now I’ve doubled down on my bad decision.  I have followed up 2 calorie-scorching sessions with meals that most likely undo all my hard work.  When people say they can’t believe I’m not thin even though I work out so much I spout bullshit about metabolism and bad genes but the reality is I have terrible eating habits and no will power.

So fast forward to today.  I teach class and then eat my 2nd breakfast sandwich as I run into a meeting.  There are donut holes and fruit on the table.  I gorge myself on fruit and only eat 3 donut holes.  I eat a sensible salad for lunch. 

When I get home at the end of a long day I watch Netflix as I fold laundry.  I snack on some iced animal cookies mindlessly while I do this.  My husband makes dinner and sets a full plate in front of me that matches his.  I think for a moment that this is way too much food for me and that I should put some of it away for later.  Of course this is not what I do.  I clean my plate.  Even though halfway through I am satisfied and by the end I am struggling to finish the last couple bites. 

My husband is significantly taller than me.  There is no reason we should ever be eating the same portion sizes.  I workout a lot and he doesn’t. I often justify our twin eating because I burn more calories than him and need the extra fuel.  This is such bs.  We are both eating way too much food.  We are mindlessly eating and it is preventing both of us from losing weight. 

I don't really believe in New Year's Resolutions.  Every year I find myself trying to reinvent myself and every year I seem to manage to fail in this area.  

The Lies I Tell

I exercise a lot.  On a busy week I will run 3 times, teach 6 hours of Zumba and 2 hours of water aerobics.  At least once a week one of my students says something like: "I'm surprised you're not skinny". Then I say something like: "I have a very slow metabolism" or "I eat whatever I want so I'll never be skinny but I've accepted that" or "Most of my relatives are diabetic and very obese".  I give the impression that I'm happy with my body and like being the fit fat girl.  But that's a lie.

A few years ago I went to see a doctor because I was sure she would tell me that I had a thyroid problem.  How else could I exercise so much and not lose any weight?  Well nothing was wrong with my thyroid.  A food journal showed that I was replacing every single calorie that I burned.  I was hoping there would be something wrong with me that could be solved with a pill or a procedure.  That I would magically go back down to my happy weight of 165-175 lbs without changing my life. 

For the past 6 years or so my weight has been steady at 193-198 lbs.  I had a brief rough patch where I ballooned to 212 lbs and an equally brief healthy patch where I got down to 185 lbs.  It is clear that if I want to lose weight, I'm going to have to make some changes.  For the past few weeks I have been keeping a food and exercise journal to try and better balance the calories burned vs. consumed.  There have been a couple days when I have been on track but most days, I'm way over. 

I don't know how to change my relationship with food.  I don't know how to tell my body that it's really not hungry.  I don't know how to change the way I've been eating for the past 37 years.  But I do know that my joints are becoming less forgiving as I get older.  With every half marathon or Zumbathon that I participate in I end up with a minor injury that hangs around for a while.  I am not recovering from these workouts like I used to.

It was recently recommended to me that I add strength training and biking to my workouts.  These are both activities that I participate in irregularly but that don't give me the same high as a good cardio workout.  I have been told that having more muscle tone will help me burn fat better.  That my body is so used to all the cardio that I do that I'm going to continue to maintain unless I mix it up.  That biking will improve my endurance without putting the stress that Zumba and running do on my joints.  

In the past few weeks I have met three people who have lost a significant amount of weight doing Zumba.  I have to admit that every time one of my fellow fit fatties looses weight that I get a little jealous.  It's getting to the point where I'm the only one.  My fellow instructors are always telling me how great I look and how awesome my energy is but that's not important.  If I actually liked myself at this weight and was happy with it that would be okay.  But I don't like myself.  I don't feel good physically or emotionally.  I don't want to be jealous of people who have more will power than I do.  I want to look like a fitness instructor.  I want the running store associates to stop assuming that I'm a walker when I come in to buy new shoes.  I don't want to have to tape my ankles and wear knee braces when I go on long runs because I'm not sure if my joints will hold up.  I don't want to settle for being less fat than my relatives.  

I have done Weight Watchers and NutriSystem.  I have followed diets from magazines, TV shows and websites.  All for short periods of time, all with varying amounts of success.  The bottom line is that I don't need a diet, I need a complete lifestyle overhaul.  And I don't know how to get there.  

Planning Ahead for Success

When I was in high school a large part of my social life came from marching and concert bands.  Marching band was almost like a full time job with practices starting in August for competitions and football games that ran from September through November.  Every week my mom would take me to the grocery store to pick up my snacks and lunches.  On weeks when we were traveling to competitions I really loaded up my cooler with tons of food and drinks.  I knew that I was going to spend hours on the bus between stops and would have little choice in which fast food restaurants we stopped at for lunch and dinner.  In college I did the same thing when traveling to karate competitions and going on football road trips.  But that all changed when I got a full time job.

When I started my first real job out of college I was poor.  I was living in my friends basement because I couldn't afford rent and selling CDs to buy groceries and put gas in my car.  I became very good at going grocery shopping on a tight budget and packing great lunches for myself.  Whenever I had to go out to the field for work I would pack my lunch because I didn't have any money to buy lunch.  My company would have reimbursed me for any money that I spent on food while I was traveling but I didn't have room on a credit card to buy the lunches or the flexibility to wait a month to get paid back.

If important people were in town or there was a meeting, someone would buy lunch for the whole office.  I loved these days.  I never met a free meal that I didn't like.  My bland peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were no match for Chinese buffet, Chick Fil A, pizza, Mexican food and all the other delicious foods that I would get for free.  Over the years as my financial situation and position in the company improved I was able to indulge even more.  I could pick my favorite restaurants and eat whatever I wanted and my company would reimburse me.  I spent at least a couple days in the field or in meetings every week and enjoyed the rich meals and happy hours that came with it.

I managed to only gain 10 lbs during my 5 years at this job because I was still very physically active.  When I started my current job I continued the same eating habits that I had developed at my previous job.  The problem was now I had a significant pay increase and a corporate credit card.  The quality of my lunches increased dramatically because I didn't have the limits of my personal credit card limit.  I now had the freedom to schedule multiple dinners and lunches every week and not only indulge myself but take all those lower level people that were in the position that I used to be in with me.  People loved it when I came around because I always bought lunch.  I became that important person that would take people away from their boring lunches. 

When I wasn't at work I still went out to eat all the time because I had more expendable cash.  My new status meant I could afford to eat out several days a week.  When I first started this job I had a lot of catching up to do so I worked long hours and traveled a lot.  I wasn't able to work out as much as I had been before and there was no karate dojo, marching band or other organization to keep me in check.  Six months into the job I had gained 10 pounds. 

At that point I met the man who would become my husband and spent the next year in a long distance relationship.  During that year I spent even more time eating out while I was traveling to see him.  When I wasn't visiting him I worked long hours to make up for all the time I was spending traveling to see him.  I was not working out consistently and put on another 15 pounds.

When my husband moved in we got our house remodeled.  I worked from home and oversaw the contractors during this time.  I continued working from home after the contractors were finished.  In the past I worked out before/after work and relaxed once I got home.  Outside of an organized group, I have never been good at leaving the house again once I got home.  When I started working from home, I didn't have to leave the house so I didn't.  I would go days without starting my car.  I own a treadmill, a heavy bag and have access to an endless supply of workout DVDs but that doesn't mean I have the motivation to use them.   A year after my wedding I was at my highest weight of 212 pounds, 12 pounds heavier than my previous highest weight. 

When I became a zumba instructor I lost 14 pounds but my eating habits have made it difficult for me to keep losing weight.  Success on Weight Watchers and Nutri System show me that if I eat better I will lose weight but sticking to those plans is difficult.  My joints are screaming for me to lose weight.  I use the excuse that I travel for work and don't have any choice in what I eat but I know that isn't true.  I can just as easily drive to the grocery store and use my corporate credit card to fill a cooler with healthier options.

Yesterday I had McDonald's for breakfast KFC for lunch and TGIFridays for dinner.  I was driving around all day so the only meals that were available to me were fast food restaurants that were near my work sites.  Once I checked into the hotel I was able to go to a nicer restaurant for dinner.  I only ate half of my pasta dinner and drank water so I had the calories left to enjoy dessert but I felt bad about having a third meal out for the day.  Too my credit, in the past I would have had several drinks and an appetizer on top of my dinner and dessert.  When properly motivated, I do have the willpower to make good decisions.  But sometimes when there are other people around me indulging I follow the peer pressure and eat crap.  Or if I've had a really long day I feel like I have earned the right to indulge. 

I didn't work out yesterday because I was so tired from driving but also because I had to prepare for today's meetings.  If I would have prepared ahead of time I would have had time to workout and would probably feel a lot better this morning.  Working from home has often become just being at home and not really working.  Even though I enjoy the freedom of working from home I don't really have the discipline to get enough done to be productive.  And when I leave my house I usually fit in a workout at the gym or a run at the park. 

So maybe I need to pretend like I'm in high school again and pack a cooler filled with enough food and snacks for 8 hours.  I need to go back to going to the office for at least half a day and scheduling my workouts around work.  I need to set boundaries when I'm at home so I don't find myself sitting on the couch for 6 hours.  And most of all I need to remind myself that good food doesn't mean comfort food and that having an expense account means that I can be more selective about my meals and pick healthier, pricier options. 

So many of my peers are overweight and unhealthy.  It seems to be the mark of success in my field.  But there are a number of them that are at the gym before and after meetings and not eating the fried platter for dinner.  I know that motivated person is inside me somewhere, I just need to find her. 

The Fit Fat Girl

I have prided myself on defying people's assumptions about what a fit person looked like. But, as my waist line has expanded, I recognize that at this point I'm not being honest with myself. It's one thing to be a thick size 12 (like I once was) but I'm not that girl any more. A lot of people treat me like I'm still that girl but all that does is feed my ego and allow me to keep lying to myself.

I get offended when people assume that I'm a walker instead of a runner because of my size but realistically I'm not the picture of fitness and health right now. As I get more involved in Zumba, I love seeing instructors of all shapes and sizes. I recognize that these people are athletes and that they are fit because they're spending several hours a week teaching. But I also recognize that these people aren't as healthy as they could be.

I'm not ever going to be a skinny girl and I wouldn't want to be. But I would love to be that thick size 12 again. I want to get rid of my belly and tone up my body. I haven't been able to run as much during the past few months because I've been having so many joint problems. I know these joint problems are a direct result of my weight gain.

I am currently sitting in a hotel room 5 hours away from home. I have another day of meetings and catered meals ahead of me. I chose to hang out with my co-workers last night and enjoy dinner and drinks on the boss instead of working out. Today is looking like more of the same. I'm feeling pretty gluttonous right now.

My goal is to learn to not over-do the unlimited food and drink that comes with this job and to make time to get my fitness in even when I'm traveling. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to push myself harder because I know what I'm capable of when I commit to something.

Where is that Wagon?

So in the past month, I've put down my dog, lost my grandmother and lost another acquaintance to suicide. Before this happened, I had already fallen off the health and fitness wagon when I was a bridesmaid in yet another wedding. But throughout all of this tragedy, I have really let myself go.

I am torn between being one of those crazy chicks that works out all the time and can eat whatever she wants (I used to be her) and making serious changes to my diet so that moderate exercise will be enough to keep me at a healthy weight (did that with nutrisystem for a couple months). Yet another death by diabetes in my family reminded me that while I'm relatively healthy now, I'm obese and at risk for getting really sick if I don't stop this before I get completely out of control.

I would like to find a happy balance between psycho workout chick and rabbit food but I'm not sure if it exists to me. I've always been an all or nothing girl and pushed myself to unbelievable limits when I was feeling healthy or wallowed in self pity for weeks when I wasn't. When I have sought out professional help in the past, I have faced horrible doctors who made me feel even worse about myself.

Of course I know there are great doctors out there and that I could have found another specialist who might have helped me. But in true me fashion I wrote off getting any professional help because of how crappy the help was when I tried in the past.

My husband is very supportive of me and wants me to get fit. He also has a family history of diabetes and admits that he could probably stand to lose a few pounds as well. But he is 6'4" tall and is in pretty good shape. 30 extra pounds on him doesn't really show that much. On me, it's my size 16 pants which were too tight for me this morning but fit great last year.

I have been lucky that I have maintained a lot of my muscle tone because of how much I worked out in the past. I don't even want to think about how fat I would be if this were not the case.

I think I'm at the point where I need to give myself an ultimatum: get your shit together by this date and if you don't see a change, you need help. I've told this to my husband and he agrees. So now I'm just trying to figure out exactly what my plan is so I can pull it all together. I need something of a regimented schedule but not too strict. I need a reward system in place but it has to be for little accomplishments and not just the big ones. I think I'm just going to have to try to figure this out as I go along.

I don't want to put something on paper without really thinking about what I want to achieve in the end. Another post is coming once I figure all this out...

Running From My Family History

Most of my girl friends over the years have been thick. I met most of them through sports so while most of us needed to lose a few pounds we were all very athletic and pretty healthy. Over the years we have all let ourselves go gaining any where from 20-120 lbs. There are various excuses (some legitimate but most not) for our weight gain but the bottom line is that we aren't working as hard as we used to even though we don't want to admit it. At this point we are set in our ways and don't want to stop eating wings every Thursday night even though we're no longer running 20 miles a week. But we still expect to drop the weight that it took us years to gain in a matter of weeks with minimal effort.

Recently, three of my girlfriends figured it out and have been able to drop the weight due to major life events. Two to get ready for their weddings and one because the doctor wouldn't perform fertility treatments until she lost weight. I wish that I was as noble as them but my main motivation is completely shallow: I don't want to be the fat friend. I don't want to stick out in pictures. I want to wear the sexy clothes that I used to wear when we went out dancing and not the flaw-hiding conservative clothes I'm wearing now. I want people to tell me how good I look and ask if I've lost weight. I want to open my closet and fit everything in it. I want to look like a runner and not have people look at me like I don't belong when I line up for road races. I guess I don't want to stick out because I'm fat but I do want to be noticed for being fit.

I come from a long line of fat people. Almost everyone in my family becomes morbidly obese once they reach a certain age. They all have diabetes and high blood sugar and eventually die from weight-related illnesses. They are not active. Every event whether happy or sad is commemorated with a large table of deep fried food. You are insulted if you are too fat and equally insulted if you are too skinny. My mother was skinny her whole life and gained weight when my father became ill. All the comments from my family were still negative they just shifted from skinny comments to fat comments. She has started to lose the weight so of course the attempts at sabotage through mean comments have started again. Literally, the first thing out of a lot of my relatives mouth is "Wow you've gained weight" or "Damn your so skinny why don't you eat" and not the normal hello that most people would find appropriate. It's no wonder we all have weight and self esteem issues.

Me, my mom and two of my cousins are working to try and be the exception to the rule. We are trying to live long productive lives at healthy weights. When we go to family functions we have to learn to be strong enough to ignore their comments. We cannot let their negativity derail us because, realistically, that's what they want. They want us to be just like them. If we're all fat then it must be okay. I can't tell you how many times I've been told that "we" (black people or people from the south) are just naturally thicker. There is nothing natural about the 4000 calories that most of us take in at a family dinner or my 32 year old cousin being put on a 1200 calorie a day diet to keep her from developing type 2 diabetes.

While I have lost 15 pounds so far on my weight loss journey, I have been struggling for the past month. I have found myself slipping back into my old habits and giving myself permission to slack. I let myself get cocky because the 15 pounds came off in 10 weeks. But the fact that no additional weight has come off in the past 5 weeks and the fluctuation in the scale by 2-3 pounds on an off week is the wake up call that I need. I will have issues with food for the rest of my life. I will always need to be careful with what I eat because of my family history. I can never go back to eating whatever I want every day. I have to care enough about myself to try harder and stick with it.

Realistically, I don't think I can lose the 40-50 lbs that would put me in the ideal weight range for my height. I think those charts are not specific enough. Every women that is 5'6" does not need to weigh 145 lbs. We are all built differently. I haven't weighed that much since I graduated from high school and I had very little muscle tone then and injured myself frequently. I do think I can lose another 20-30 lbs and get my body fat down into a healthier range. Am I going to run 20 miles a week and do karate 4 days a week like I did at my peak? Of course not. But I can do a lot more than I'm doing now.

For now, I will be walking very briskly from my family history and working to run from it. I refuse to spend another year of my life being fat and feeling bad about myself. I will not continue to hold on to clothes that I haven't been able to wear for years or that I have never taken the tags off. When I open my closet all of the clothes will be in my size, whatever it is at that point. I will be whoever I am by the end of this year. I just hope that person looks a lot more like she did 5 years ago and not like the person that I see today.