Holding Strong at 3 weeks!

So I have managed to maintain my 3 lb weight loss for 2 straight weeks at home.  I'm still riding the high of spending a week with a bunch of fit and positive people.  I feel like I've been a better fitness instructor since I came home.  Like my passion has been reignited.  So how can I make this part-time fitness and wellness thing a full-time gig?  Or, more realistically, how can I carry the positive energy that I get out of fitness into the other aspects of my life?  

My goal for this week is to lose 2 lbs.  I'm psyched that I maintained weight loss but I'm no where near my goal weight.  I know what I need to do to maintain my weight.  What I need to figure out is what I need to do to lose weight at home.  Maybe it won't work but for now I'm going to try to maintain this 3 week trend that I've kicked off (1 strict week followed by 2 maintenance weeks).  

Let's not call this a diet, but a new way of life.  

My Own Biggest Loser Week

I just got back from a week long fitness convention in Florida.  This is the third one that I have attended but definitely the most positive experience that I have ever had.  There is nothing more motivating than a few thousand fitness professionals and the best instructors in the world at a beautiful destination resort.  

I lost 3 pounds during the past week.  To those of you who are dedicated to your diet and exercise and lose 3-5 lbs every week this might not seem like a lot.  But to someone like me whose weight plateaued a long time ago, this is amazing.  

I know that working out several hours a day and eating lots of small meals between my workouts was key.  This along with the variety of workouts that I was doing and the fact that I was getting a good night of sleep every night.  These are all things that seem like they could be modified to fit into my real life. Because I had a large dinner out with dessert and a glass of wine every night.  I didn't feel deprived.  My digestive issues were better.  My energy still had dips in the afternoon but it was definitely more stable.  

I am terrified that those 3 pounds will be right back next Sunday when I weigh myself.  But there is a little voice in my head that tells me that this could be my jump start.  This could be my biggest loser week.  I spent a week at the ranch and learned what works for me.  Now I just have to figure out how to make things work now that I'm back home with all the responsibility and stress that come with work and family.  

I think its also important to point out that my attitude was much better than it normally is.  I was surrounded by people of all races, ages and sizes.  Sure, there were plenty of size 2 "fitness models" walking around but there were just as many curvy (or dare I say fat) fit folks walking around.  And no one said anything bad to them.  Everyone accepted that they were instructors and had just as much right to be there as everyone else.  

I found myself walking around in my swimsuit top and shorts or in my swimsuit and a t-shirt.   I would never do that at home.  The moment I am out of the pool, I am wrapped from head to toe in a beach towel and hustling my way into the locker room.  Maybe I need to stop doing that.  Maybe if I pretend to be confident and comfortable in my own skin, I'll start to feel like it. Maybe this is the beginning of me loving me just a little more than I care about what other people think about me.

10 Days of Discovery

My husband and I just returned from a week long vacation in Europe.  I have studied Spanish since I was in elementary school but I am still very self conscious when I try to speak Spanish to other people.  During this vacation I spoke Spanish daily.  I tried to initiate all conversations with native speakers in Spanish.  A lot of people recognized that I was an American before I opened my mouth or a few words into my attempts at communication and started speaking to me in English (which I was grateful for).  But a lot of people didn't.  I was nervous at first but by the end of the week my confidence was up and my Spanish wasn't half bad.  

I would love it if I could speak Spanish on a regular basis.  I don't want to travel abroad frequently (I could really take it or leave it).  There are plenty of Spanish speakers in the US.  I just need to figure out what I can do to interact with other Spanish speakers on a regular basis. 

Before we left for vacation I worked harder than I have in months.  I went into the office and finished tasks that I had let pile up.  I took work home and completed projects that would be due shortly after I returned from vacation.  I took the initiative to organize tasks so that it would be harder for me to fall behind in the future.  I was able to complete all of this in 2-6 hours per work day.  I felt a huge sense of accomplishment and still had plenty of time left over.  I still need to work on how I manage this left over time but it felt great to be productive again without really having to try that hard. 

I have given myself 2 weeks off of teaching fitness.  I found substitute instructors to cover all of my classes so I could take the time to reset my class preparation routine.  When I first started teaching fitness I would work on routines for hours before presenting them to a class.  Even though no routine is ever perfect my preparation made me more relaxed and translated into me being a better teacher.   I want to walk into every class feeling confident that I'm going to be awesome.  I am lucky to have built a strong following among my class participants.  I want to make sure that I am always living up to my own reputation.  

Finding Myself Again

I find myself at a crossroads.  I love being a fitness instructor and all of the things that come along with it.  I am more excited about a new workout outfit than I am about a new dress.  I love interacting with people and hearing their stories.  I love encouraging them to meet their goals and consoling them when things don't go their way.  My fitness classes are my social life.  We laugh, we talk, we dance, we sweat and then we go back to our regular lives.  Most of my week is full of practice and planning for my classes so that even when I'm not teaching most of my energy goes to fitness.   

My real job brings me very little joy.  I still like the idea of what I do but what I actually do at this point is far away from where I started.  As an engineer I solve problems.  I look at data and try to come up with solutions to those problems.  I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I solve a problem.  I enjoy the praise that I get from others when I solve a problem that has existed for year.  But after 15 years I am less of an engineer and more of a manager.  The problem with being good at your job is that you get promoted out of doing those tasks that you enjoy.  Most of the problems that I deal with now are related to people and not case studies.  On a good week, half of my time is spent being a real engineer.  

After 15 years I am burnt out.  I am at the point where I'm going to be promoted to upper management (which would equal no time being a real engineer) or I need to change careers.  If I was willing to work for a state or local agency I would have more chances to be an engineer until my retirement.  But, in doing this, I would give up the salary and the freedom that I have become so accustomed too.  Realistically, I could never afford to be a fitness instructor if I didn't have my engineering salary to pay for all my trips and certifications.  And I definitely wouldn't have the time to teach as often as I do if I had a 9-5 office job vs. a flex schedule.

So how to I find balance between a job that often feels like it is sucking the life out of me and a job that feeds my soul.  My life as an engineer is solitary and lonely but I wouldn't be able to afford my house, my car, anything without it.  My life as a fitness instructor is amazing.  I feel like a rock star. I can be myself and express myself with wild clothes and over the top hair styles.  When I go to business meetings I dress conservatively and keep to myself.  I have tons of great clothes in my closet but little opportunity to actually where them. 

I never thought I would say this but sometimes I miss working in an office.  I miss the business lunches and the water cooler conversations.  The happy hours and the office gossip.  The Christmas parties and summer picnics.  Because as much as I hated the high school clique-i-ness that often came out of those situations, it was a social life.  I always had plans for the weekend.  I carefully selected my clothes for work and other events because I cared about what people thought of me and I would be seen by a lot of people. 

Sometimes I wear my pajamas all day or until I head to the gym.  When I have meetings I put on nice clothes but usually that's just for a few hours and then its back to the sweats.  I try to force myself to get dressed up once a week and go to the office and go out to lunch but that almost makes it even lonelier.  I sit in my office by myself, I go out to lunch by myself and then I ask myself why I wasted the time getting dressed when no one notices me anyway. 

Of course my work friends were acquaintances and not lifetime friends.  They didn't really know me. It was all surface stuff but that's really what I'm missing.  A social life. Something to fill the gaps between fitness classes and sitting at my desk alone.  I recognize that the me from my fitness classes isn't the real me either. It is the other extreme of my personality, the loud, outgoing party girl.  But living at these two extremes and nothing in between leaves me feeling lost and lonely more often than I'd like.      

My Newest Fitness Dream

I would like to be a big fish in a small pond.  In Zumba there are Jammers, education specialists and special presenters that draw crowds of people to learn their choreography and work out with them.  I love going to events but I don't think I want to be one of those people.  The time and travel commitment.  A lot of people using my original ideas in their classes.  Neither of these really appeals to me.  Plus, I have no desire to deal with the drama that will inevitably come with it. 

But to be a trainer in one of my water fitness specialties.  That I can do.  I don't know if I can make a big enough impression at the live certification events because there is always someone there who is willing to go above and beyond to be the center of attention.  Even if I perform amazingly, I don't usually get the attention because I blend in with the rest of the group.  But for most of these certifications there are home videos that you have to make to demonstrate your proficiency as a teacher.  In my home gym with my members I can be a rock star.  And if I can convey that to the home office, maybe I'll get a shot.  Maybe I'll apply for a position the next time there is a call.  I would love to inspire other people.  I would love to show people that you don't have to be a skinny white girl to be fit.  

I feel like this is an achievable goal that is on the fringe enough to keep me out of the drama of the local mainstream instructors.  Because lets be real, water fitness definitely takes a back seat to land aerobics and I like that.  I like that outside of the pool a lot of people don't even know that I teach fitness classes.  I want to be the shining star in my own little corner of fitness.  

The Lies I Tell

I exercise a lot.  On a busy week I will run 3 times, teach 6 hours of Zumba and 2 hours of water aerobics.  At least once a week one of my students says something like: "I'm surprised you're not skinny". Then I say something like: "I have a very slow metabolism" or "I eat whatever I want so I'll never be skinny but I've accepted that" or "Most of my relatives are diabetic and very obese".  I give the impression that I'm happy with my body and like being the fit fat girl.  But that's a lie.

A few years ago I went to see a doctor because I was sure she would tell me that I had a thyroid problem.  How else could I exercise so much and not lose any weight?  Well nothing was wrong with my thyroid.  A food journal showed that I was replacing every single calorie that I burned.  I was hoping there would be something wrong with me that could be solved with a pill or a procedure.  That I would magically go back down to my happy weight of 165-175 lbs without changing my life. 

For the past 6 years or so my weight has been steady at 193-198 lbs.  I had a brief rough patch where I ballooned to 212 lbs and an equally brief healthy patch where I got down to 185 lbs.  It is clear that if I want to lose weight, I'm going to have to make some changes.  For the past few weeks I have been keeping a food and exercise journal to try and better balance the calories burned vs. consumed.  There have been a couple days when I have been on track but most days, I'm way over. 

I don't know how to change my relationship with food.  I don't know how to tell my body that it's really not hungry.  I don't know how to change the way I've been eating for the past 37 years.  But I do know that my joints are becoming less forgiving as I get older.  With every half marathon or Zumbathon that I participate in I end up with a minor injury that hangs around for a while.  I am not recovering from these workouts like I used to.

It was recently recommended to me that I add strength training and biking to my workouts.  These are both activities that I participate in irregularly but that don't give me the same high as a good cardio workout.  I have been told that having more muscle tone will help me burn fat better.  That my body is so used to all the cardio that I do that I'm going to continue to maintain unless I mix it up.  That biking will improve my endurance without putting the stress that Zumba and running do on my joints.  

In the past few weeks I have met three people who have lost a significant amount of weight doing Zumba.  I have to admit that every time one of my fellow fit fatties looses weight that I get a little jealous.  It's getting to the point where I'm the only one.  My fellow instructors are always telling me how great I look and how awesome my energy is but that's not important.  If I actually liked myself at this weight and was happy with it that would be okay.  But I don't like myself.  I don't feel good physically or emotionally.  I don't want to be jealous of people who have more will power than I do.  I want to look like a fitness instructor.  I want the running store associates to stop assuming that I'm a walker when I come in to buy new shoes.  I don't want to have to tape my ankles and wear knee braces when I go on long runs because I'm not sure if my joints will hold up.  I don't want to settle for being less fat than my relatives.  

I have done Weight Watchers and NutriSystem.  I have followed diets from magazines, TV shows and websites.  All for short periods of time, all with varying amounts of success.  The bottom line is that I don't need a diet, I need a complete lifestyle overhaul.  And I don't know how to get there.  

Am I Still in High School?

Recently I added Zumba Toning and Aqua Zumba to my Zumba certifications.  I was excited when the local YMCA accepted my application to be an instructor there for these two specialties.  Today I attended my first meeting as a Y employee.  All fitness instructors are required to attend monthly meetings to discuss concerns, safety and any other hot topics.  I was very excited about meeting my new peers. 

When I walked into the room everyone turned around a looked at me but no one said hi.  I smiled and said hi and introduced myself.  One person responded to me and then went back to looking out the window.  No one else said anything.  Granted, I was a couple minutes early so there were only 4 people in the room when I walked in but isn't that even more reason to be friendly?  When the other 12 instructors showed up no one said anything to me.  It was clear that they already had their cliques established and were not open to expanding their social circles.

I think what disappointed me the most was that the fitness director didn't take it upon herself to introduce me to the group.  She didn't respond when I walked in the room.  She saw me sitting by myself while people chatted and didn't do anything to include me.  I sat through the presentation and participated when it was necessary but when it was over I just got up and walked out the door.  At the end of the meeting everyone went back to their cliques and started chatting again so there was no reason for me to sit there are get excluded any longer.  It was so frustrating. 

I have been the new kid/the odd man out before and it really sucks.  When I am in those situations, I go out of my way to speak to new people.  As a fitness instructor I love bringing people out of their shells and challenging them to do things they never thought they could do.  I'll admit there is a little bit of acting involved in being a good fitness instructor (no one is happy or on all the time but you can't dish your problems and life frustrations out to your class) but I genuinely want to make sure the people in my class have a great experience.  No matter how bad I was feeling when I walked in the door, I always feel good at the end of great class.  I couldn't imagine any of my new peers fitting this description.  These people seemed to lack the basic social skills to make it through a job interview, let alone act as a leader and inspire people as a fitness instructor.

I had heard bad things from other friends who worked at the Y and then quit.  But all the complaints that I heard were about the people who worked there, not the people who worked out there.  I knew I wasn't going to come in there and make 15 new best friends but this was much worse than I was expecting.  I am going to focus on giving great classes and making my students feel comfortable.  I left all this cliquey drama behind in high school.  I don't have the energy to go through it again. 

Inevitably, after a month or so some of the people who never spoke to me will be my friends because that always happens over time.  I am open to making friends but I won't be able to forget the awful first impression that they made.  I will make sure that I go out of my way to be nice to new instructors if I am ever put in that position.  Who knows, maybe some of my personality will rub off on some of these kids!  Either way, I'm still excited about my new classes and having new students.  Those are the ones that matter. 

That Girl

Once upon a time I was "that girl". The obnoxious one who spoke her mind. The athletic one who inspired people to work out. The funny one who was the center of attention and so on. One part of my brain is sad that I'm not that person any more and feels like a phony when anyone who knew me back then still treats me like I'm her. Another part of me feels incredibly jealous when I go into a situation where someone else is clearly "that girl". I'm jealous of her for being what I'm not but, at the same time, I hate her for taking the spotlight that I could have potentially held. Pretty messed up right?

Not too long ago I had sunk into a deep depression where I hated myself and the rut that I'd let myself get into. Over the past several months I've been climbing out of that hole and rebuilding my self esteem and my spirit. I feel good about myself a lot more than I used to but there are still times, in social situations, where I feel insecure because I'm around someone who clearly has herself together. In my mind everyone is noticing how confident and wonderful she is and comparing that to how uncool I am. I know that this happens in my head and not in reality but that doesn't stop the thoughts from entering my mind.

So now I'm in a position where I can take a huge step at becoming the me that I want to be. I can take over as a fitness instructor at a huge gym in my area. Yes, I became a fitness instructor a couple months ago with the hopes that it would encourage me to get in shape so I could inspire other people to get in shape. I thought I would have months to lose weight and develop my routines. I wasn't expecting this job opportunity to fall into my lap. But I'm a total hypocrite if I don't at least put in an application.

The best part of becoming a fitness instructor is seeing all the different types of people who are also instructors. There are people of all ages and sizes from all backgrounds. I was so nervous that I would be "the fat one" when I walked my size 16 butt into training and that people would question why I was there. What I found was a lot of people my size and larger who were active and great instructors. I didn't think for a second that one of these people weren't suitable instructors because of their weight so why would I think that anyone would do that to me?

I run regularly, I do yoga, I have a black belt in karate. Am I at my ideal weight right now? Absolutely not. Should I put my life on hold until I reach my ideal weight? Absolutely not. But I can get in front of a class and give people a great workout. I can suprise people who might judge me by my appearance by showing them how fit I actually am. I can inspire other people who are insecure to work out because I'm not some size 2 skinny girl who can't relate to what they are going through. I can do this.