65 Days and Green with Envy

Social media is making me jealous.  I used to have a lot of friends who were curvy and fit like me.  Now they are all skinny and uber fit and I'm on the only curvy one left.  Sure, I have plenty of friends who are obese and inactive but I don't want to be lumped into that category. 

Two of my curvy friends starting taking Zumba classes.  I encouraged them because I love Zumba and it turned my life around 5 years ago.  So of course now they go non-stop and have lost tons of weight.  They know have their own clique of front row divas and know as many instructors as I do.  At least they could have lost weight by attending my classes.  No, that would have sucked more. Nevermind.    

A handful of other friends starting running.  I have been running road races for 20+ years.  It is my time to meditate and reflect.  Even though sometimes my body hates it, my brain is always in the mood to run.  I always recommend running to people because it's cheap; a pair of shoes and a sports bra and you're good to go.  Of course they all now do road races regularly and are much faster than I am. 

I know I should be happy for them but I feel like everything that defines me has been hijacked by other people.  So you've been doing something that I love for a short period of time and are better at it than me.  Awesome.  Please show me another picture of yourself in your bra top and your short shorts winning your age group.  I know.  It's childish.  

The reality is that they were all bigger than me and now they are all smaller than me and it pisses me off.  They were all more disciplined than I have every been about my diet and exercise and, as a result, they have seen amazing results.  I can't be jealous that they worked hard and got rewarded in the end.  But I am.  I am happy for them (to their faces) but my insides are boiling inside and with every happy post I just want to punch the computer screen.  

I know.  If I were happy with me I wouldn't be so jealous of them.  If I tried harder and was proud of my accomplishments I wouldn't waste so much time obsessing over theirs.  Believe me, I would never admit to being this shallow to outside of this blog.  I am pretty ashamed of myself. 

I'd like to believe that this will motivate me.  That the chance to one-up the people who accidentally one-upped me by getting their shit together will be the final piece to motivate me but I doubt it.  Somewhere within me is the motivation.  I just need to find it. And do squats instead of logging onto Facebook.  

The Birth of a Fitness Instructor

When I first became a Zumba instructor, a little over 3 years ago, I was shocked at how unfriendly other instructors were at jam sessions, conventions, training classes and other events.  Women are definitely cliquey and catty by nature but Zumba seemed to bring out the worst in a lot of people.  Most of the large studios in my area had so much drama among the instructors and their "pet" members that it was often uncomfortable to work out there.  I used to take another instructor's class at least once a week but I stopped going because there was so much negative energy. 

A year after getting my Zumba license I became AFAA group exercise certified and then AEA aquatic fitness certified the following  year.  To maintain these certifications I attend a lot of non-Zumba events. The people at the non-Zumba events were so much friendlier and more open than I was expecting.  There are always a couple of divas in the room but nothing on the level of Zumba drama.  What is it that makes some Zumba people so catty?  Why do I find myself sitting in a corner by myself when I go to a Zumba event outside of my city but make 10 new friends every time its any other certification?

I have to admit part of it is definitely me.  As my confidence as an instructor has grown (which I definitely have to credit to Zumba) so has my willingness to network and reach out to people.  Maybe sometimes I was sitting in the corner by myself because I didn't appear friendly.  Why should someone reach out to me if I'm not going to reach out to anyone else?  

This Friday I am going to a master class with a local Zumba Jammer.  I have all but sworn off these events because of how un-fun they generally are.  But this Friday I'm going to walk in with a smile on my face and my expectations high.  I'm going to talk to people and dance my ass off.  I'm going to do my best to ignore the negative energy and focus on the positive.  I have to believe that people who teach such an awesome class that has totally changed my life aren't all bad.  

The Lies I Tell

I exercise a lot.  On a busy week I will run 3 times, teach 6 hours of Zumba and 2 hours of water aerobics.  At least once a week one of my students says something like: "I'm surprised you're not skinny". Then I say something like: "I have a very slow metabolism" or "I eat whatever I want so I'll never be skinny but I've accepted that" or "Most of my relatives are diabetic and very obese".  I give the impression that I'm happy with my body and like being the fit fat girl.  But that's a lie.

A few years ago I went to see a doctor because I was sure she would tell me that I had a thyroid problem.  How else could I exercise so much and not lose any weight?  Well nothing was wrong with my thyroid.  A food journal showed that I was replacing every single calorie that I burned.  I was hoping there would be something wrong with me that could be solved with a pill or a procedure.  That I would magically go back down to my happy weight of 165-175 lbs without changing my life. 

For the past 6 years or so my weight has been steady at 193-198 lbs.  I had a brief rough patch where I ballooned to 212 lbs and an equally brief healthy patch where I got down to 185 lbs.  It is clear that if I want to lose weight, I'm going to have to make some changes.  For the past few weeks I have been keeping a food and exercise journal to try and better balance the calories burned vs. consumed.  There have been a couple days when I have been on track but most days, I'm way over. 

I don't know how to change my relationship with food.  I don't know how to tell my body that it's really not hungry.  I don't know how to change the way I've been eating for the past 37 years.  But I do know that my joints are becoming less forgiving as I get older.  With every half marathon or Zumbathon that I participate in I end up with a minor injury that hangs around for a while.  I am not recovering from these workouts like I used to.

It was recently recommended to me that I add strength training and biking to my workouts.  These are both activities that I participate in irregularly but that don't give me the same high as a good cardio workout.  I have been told that having more muscle tone will help me burn fat better.  That my body is so used to all the cardio that I do that I'm going to continue to maintain unless I mix it up.  That biking will improve my endurance without putting the stress that Zumba and running do on my joints.  

In the past few weeks I have met three people who have lost a significant amount of weight doing Zumba.  I have to admit that every time one of my fellow fit fatties looses weight that I get a little jealous.  It's getting to the point where I'm the only one.  My fellow instructors are always telling me how great I look and how awesome my energy is but that's not important.  If I actually liked myself at this weight and was happy with it that would be okay.  But I don't like myself.  I don't feel good physically or emotionally.  I don't want to be jealous of people who have more will power than I do.  I want to look like a fitness instructor.  I want the running store associates to stop assuming that I'm a walker when I come in to buy new shoes.  I don't want to have to tape my ankles and wear knee braces when I go on long runs because I'm not sure if my joints will hold up.  I don't want to settle for being less fat than my relatives.  

I have done Weight Watchers and NutriSystem.  I have followed diets from magazines, TV shows and websites.  All for short periods of time, all with varying amounts of success.  The bottom line is that I don't need a diet, I need a complete lifestyle overhaul.  And I don't know how to get there.  

The Procrastinator

When I first became a Zumba instructor 2.5 years ago, I prepared my choreography for weeks.  I practiced over and over again so I would perfect my routines and know my songs inside and out.  I was so paranoid that I would mess up and I wanted to make a great impression so people would keep coming back to my classes.  As I became a better instructor and my classes grew, I got lazy with the choreography.  My time management skills slipped and I struggled to juggle a full time job (though flex time) and my family while still being a great Zumba instructor. 

At first it was only a song or two that I had to prepare the morning before a class.  Despite all my nervousness of presented a song I hadn't prepared, things went surprisingly well.  People praised my class as usual and sometimes said my energy was better than normal.  Then it turned into a couple songs.  The more I procrastinated and the greater my anxiety was before going to class.  But each time everything turned out okay so I had no real incentive to get my act together. 

The problem has become much worse over the past year or so as my popularity as an instructor has increased and, in turn, my class load.  I have been so unprepared for class that I almost had a panic attack when I got in front of the group.  There have been times when I know students have noticed that I'm not prepared.  There have been days when I feel like I have not given a class worthy of my reputation. 

Every week I tell myself it's the last time and before I know it I'm in that situation again.  So here I am again, 40 minutes before my Aqua Zumba class, with a playlist that I prepared 2 hours ago.  I am nervous but I know I will make it through because I have been less prepared than I am today and come out okay.  

I only teach Aqua Zumba one day a week vs. 5 days of Zumba and Zumba Gold so I procrastinate the most with that choreography the most.  It always seems like I have so long between classes but that week just flies by.  I want to make a good impression on all the New Year's Resolution people so they will stick around for more than a couple weeks.  I want to live up to my own expectations of myself.  

I have to get my act together with time management and stop creating stress in my life where it shouldn't be.  Zumba feeds my soul like nothing else. I am privileged enough to teach it and I feel amazing after a great class.  I need to tell myself that when I'm sitting on the couch instead of practicing choreography.  

Getting My Martial Arts Mojo Back

In 1995, at the end of my freshman year in college, I started studying karate.  From the moment I started taking karate I was borderline obsessed.  I was doing karate most days of the week for several hours at a time.  All of my friends and social life revolved around karate.  After a karate workout I felt like I was on top of the world.  No matter what stresses were going on in my life I always felt better after karate.  I've was lucky to find a karate school in my style in every place I lived for 10 years.  During this time there were brief periods when I didn't study karate but once I got settled in that was usually the first thing that I looked for. 

That all changed when I moved to Syracuse in 2005.  Not only are there no karate schools in my style here but most of the schools in this area are contract schools.  Contract schools guarantee you a black belt in a certain amount of time as long as you pay a certain amount of money.  These schools generally have multiple locations with a large focus on children and lots of TV commercials.  I have no desire to attend a contract school.  I have been lucky that all the schools that I have attended were traditional schools.  Not everyone progressed at the same rate.  No one was given a rank just for showing up.  You worked hard and earned your rank.

I tried three different martial arts schools during my first 4 years here.  The first was a contract school that didn't train very hard.  The second was a group of martial artists from different backgrounds who weren't following any set regiment and whose lack of organization and discipline drove me crazy. The last school was the most promising because it was in my style.  Unfortunately it was a 90 minute drive from my house and they focused on sparring much more than on karate.  It had been 4 years since I practiced with a formal group in my style by the time I tried the last school.  I was so out of practice that I felt like I had to relearn everything that I once taught other people.  If I was going to have to relearn things I might as well start fresh with a new style.

Then zumba came into my life and I wasn't so focused on karate.  I love teaching zumba and think I will branch out into teaching other fitness classes now that I have my group exercise certification.  But as much as I love zumba it has not filled the void left by martial arts.  I still miss martial arts and the high it gives me.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud when people that have known me for a long time want to talk about karate.  Because I'm the black belt, the karate chick, the asskicker.  At least that's who they know me as.  But I haven't been that girl in a long time.

So I walked into this place in the mall a couple weeks ago that I had passed a million times and written off as a contract school.  But after checking out their website and talking to the instructors it was clear that it wasn't a contract school at all.  I was hooked after the first workout.  I feel like I'm walking taller and feeling more like my authentic self after just a couple of weeks.  The way that I interact with people.  The way I look at things is different as a martial artist.  I don't know if I will be able to achieve the same level of success that I did with my other style but that's not the standard that I'm holding myself to.  Just having martial arts in my life makes me feel like my authentic self.  Like a better me and I like that. 

Am I Still in High School?

Recently I added Zumba Toning and Aqua Zumba to my Zumba certifications.  I was excited when the local YMCA accepted my application to be an instructor there for these two specialties.  Today I attended my first meeting as a Y employee.  All fitness instructors are required to attend monthly meetings to discuss concerns, safety and any other hot topics.  I was very excited about meeting my new peers. 

When I walked into the room everyone turned around a looked at me but no one said hi.  I smiled and said hi and introduced myself.  One person responded to me and then went back to looking out the window.  No one else said anything.  Granted, I was a couple minutes early so there were only 4 people in the room when I walked in but isn't that even more reason to be friendly?  When the other 12 instructors showed up no one said anything to me.  It was clear that they already had their cliques established and were not open to expanding their social circles.

I think what disappointed me the most was that the fitness director didn't take it upon herself to introduce me to the group.  She didn't respond when I walked in the room.  She saw me sitting by myself while people chatted and didn't do anything to include me.  I sat through the presentation and participated when it was necessary but when it was over I just got up and walked out the door.  At the end of the meeting everyone went back to their cliques and started chatting again so there was no reason for me to sit there are get excluded any longer.  It was so frustrating. 

I have been the new kid/the odd man out before and it really sucks.  When I am in those situations, I go out of my way to speak to new people.  As a fitness instructor I love bringing people out of their shells and challenging them to do things they never thought they could do.  I'll admit there is a little bit of acting involved in being a good fitness instructor (no one is happy or on all the time but you can't dish your problems and life frustrations out to your class) but I genuinely want to make sure the people in my class have a great experience.  No matter how bad I was feeling when I walked in the door, I always feel good at the end of great class.  I couldn't imagine any of my new peers fitting this description.  These people seemed to lack the basic social skills to make it through a job interview, let alone act as a leader and inspire people as a fitness instructor.

I had heard bad things from other friends who worked at the Y and then quit.  But all the complaints that I heard were about the people who worked there, not the people who worked out there.  I knew I wasn't going to come in there and make 15 new best friends but this was much worse than I was expecting.  I am going to focus on giving great classes and making my students feel comfortable.  I left all this cliquey drama behind in high school.  I don't have the energy to go through it again. 

Inevitably, after a month or so some of the people who never spoke to me will be my friends because that always happens over time.  I am open to making friends but I won't be able to forget the awful first impression that they made.  I will make sure that I go out of my way to be nice to new instructors if I am ever put in that position.  Who knows, maybe some of my personality will rub off on some of these kids!  Either way, I'm still excited about my new classes and having new students.  Those are the ones that matter. 

Zumba Convention 2011

I have written about how Zumba has changed my life and helped me find myself.  http://onehappybitch.blogspot.com/2010/09/zumba.html

In 90 minutes I will head to the airport and fly to my first zumba convention.  Then I will spend the next 5 days with 6000 people who love zumba as much as I do.  I am excited about making new friends and learning new things that I can bring back to my classes.  But I am also very nervous.  There are a few things that I need to keep in mind to make sure that I have a good time:

1. Do not play a role.  It is never a conscious thing but I have a tendency to "act out" when I meet new people.  I am an obnoxious, outgoing person but sometimes it can be over the top.  I don't want to establish myself as the crazy one right off the bat and then spend the rest of the weekend living up to that.  Plus, I'm going to turn a lot of people off if I get out of hand.

2.  Do not compare yourself to other people.  This is the hardest one for me.  There will always be someone who is prettier, funnier, thinner, a better dancer, etc. than I am.  That doesn't mean that I am none of those things.  That doesn't mean that people are looking at me and saying "Oh, she's not as pretty/funny/etc. as this person".  I need to get out of my own head and just relax.  I have lost 20 lbs since I started teaching zumba 7 months ago.  I wear more fitted clothes and sometimes I genuinely love the way I look in the mirror.  I can't let the anxiety of a large group of people take that away from me.

3. Don't let rude/obnoxious people ruin my time.  This is not high school.  I don't have to hang out with people that get on my nerves.  I do not have to gossip about someone who is obviously not making a great impression. 

4.  Also part of the not high school thing- don't give in to peer pressure.  There is always a tendency for hard drinking and partying and overall ridiculous behavior at these sorts of things.  It happens at my corporate functions for my day job so I know it will happen here!  I'm not going to be partying until 2 am just so the youngest/party animal people think I'm cool.  I want to meet people that I have things in common with.  I want to make friends and not just crazy YouTube videos.

5. Make sure I have some me time.  I worry that my friends that I am traveling with might be a little clingy out of nervousness and suffocate me if they don't loosen up once we get there.  I am staying by myself in a different hotel than people I know.  I need to make sure I take the time to write, meditate, walk, and do other non-zumba things that keep me sane.  There will be mostly women at this convention and I have a tendency to tire of women very quickly if I'm not careful.  I need to set myself up to be as successful at being me as possible!

I will try to blog once a day and write in my journal.  I am very excited about this weekend.  I hope this is the first of many zumba conventions and other events that will take me out of my comfort zone (in a good way). 

Finding Myself

Just a few months ago I was in a rut. I was lonely and depressed. I felt like my life had no direction. I wrote my own little manifesto titled The Dream.
http://onehappybitch.blogspot.com/2010/08/dream.html

In this blog I laid out what I wanted my life to include and brainstormed about how I was going to achieve those goals. In September I took a big step towards achieving one of those dreams when I became a certified Zumba instructor.
http://onehappybitch.blogspot.com/2010/09/zumba.html

Since becoming certified I have attended several Zumba events that I never would have attended on my own before. I have put myself out there in a way that I haven't done in a while. I sent out a number of resumes to different gyms in the area. In late December I was offered a job teaching 2 days a week at a local gym. I started teaching the first week of January. I can't tell you how nervous I was teaching that first day but I was also excited beyond belief.

All my fears went away after class when people came up to me telling me what a great class it was. One woman even hugged me and thanked me for such a good workout. I think the best moment of the class me came when a woman walked up to me and told me that her goal was to get down to my size. Even though I am not at my ideal weight, when people look at me they aren't seeing someone who is 50 lbs overweight. They are seeing an energetic fitness instructor.

My overall attitude has changed so much since I started teaching. I am more positive in other aspects of my life. I don't dwell on the negative as much. My social life through Zumba and my participation in meetup groups has also changed for the better. Maybe it's because I'm more approachable now or maybe it was inevitable after almost a year of attending meetup events and meeting other Zumba instructors.

I am still very much a work in progress but I am loving the progress that I am making!

Zumba

Almost 2 months ago, I posted a blog titled The Dream. In this blog I listed all the things that I wanted to accomplish in my life. The second thing that I listed in this blog was becoming a fitness instructor. I am happy to say that I have achieved this goal (well sort of).

I started studying karate in 1995 after my freshman year in college. I instantly fell in love with karate and worked hard to achieve the rank of second degree black belt. For almost 10 years karate was a regular part of my life. I loved working out and teaching classes and I loved being fit. When I moved to Syracuse, I couldn't find a karate school that suited me. There weren't any schools in my style locally so I stopped practicing regularly. Over the past 5 years I have tried new styles and have traveled 90 minutes away to the nearest dojo that taught my style. None of these worked out for me so I decided that, for now at least, I wasn't going to be able to practice karate. But I needed something to satisfy my spirit the way karate used to.

Last July I started taking Zumba classes. Zumba is latin-inspired dance fitness. If you like to go out dancing and you like to sweat a lot, I would highly recommend it. When I first heard about Zumba I thought it would be perfect for me. I love to dance and miss having people to go out dancing with. I have been taking aerobics classes since I was a kid and love group exercise. I studied abroad in Spain and Puerto Rico in college and earned a minor in Spanish because I love the culture. Well after one class I was hooked. It's like a dance party where you just let go and don't even realize all the calories you just burned (usually around 700 calories for an hour class according to my fitness watch).

This summer I started thinking about becoming a Zumba instructor. I already knew a lot of the dances by heart because I went to class so much and being a fitness instructor would inspire me to get back in shape. This weekend I attended training and officially became a Zumba instructor. I left the training feeling so inspired that I haven't been able to sleep at night because I keep planning my future in my head. I need to do a lot of work to learn the choreography well enough to teach it to other people but I know that I can do it.

Aside from the training being totally awesome I met a lot of fitness instructors who weren't Barbie-doll skinny and looked like normal people. It was really comforting to see that some of the women looked a lot like me. I felt really good about myself for the first time in a long time. My husband was so happy with my new found confidence that he decided to get back on the workout wagon and start going to the gym with me. Which of course means that I'll be more likely to go to the gym because there is someone else there to motivate me.

I have also found myself wearing cuter workout clothes this week. I'm not talking about anything inappropriate but there is no reason that I should be hiding my body in baggy t-shirts and sweatpants just because I'm overweight. I have been wearing clothes that show off my shape in a way that shows me that yes, I need to lose some weight, but that I can still be attractive at my current size.

I plan on working on my resume this week and applying to health clubs that don't have Zumba currently. I have been working on the choreography every night on my own and plan to continue attending my weekly Zumba classes as well. In a couple of weeks I think I will be a force to be reckoned with!

A couple of weeks ago I came to the realization that I weigh about 60 lbs more than I did when I graduated from high school 16 years ago and I felt really bad about myself. Now I'm focused on being healthy and loving myself. I'd love to lose a ton of weight but I'm not going to obsess over it and let it run my life any more.