Whenever I am with a large group of black people, particularly women, I feel more judged than at any other time in my life. I feel excluded. No matter what the setting, there are some black women who seem so intent on preserving their clique that they push other black people away. I have experienced this the most in professional and fitness groups.
If I had a dollar for every time some white person said to me "Good for you" when they find out I have a technical career or "You speak so well" when they meet me in person after only speaking to me on the phone or via e-mail and not realizing that I'm black. I know that other black professionals experience this. I find comfort in having this confirmed in online forums. I am not the only one who struggles to exist in a atmosphere that is still very much predominantly male and white. I am not the only one who has been asked to make coffee or copies when someone comes into the office and assumes that I must be a secretary.
But when I meet my black peers in person I feel the exact same discomfort that I do from my white peers at work. I want to be supportive of these organizations because they need to exist but, whenever I attend any events in person, I find the hypocrisy difficult to stomach. At least if I never meet them in person I don't have to deal with the reality that these people don't really have my back. That they don't get me or care about me. That the occasional "troll-like' posts that exist in these forums online are more prevalent in person.
I have found that a lot of other black people have experienced the same thing and now boycott these events. I have made more black friends through mainstream organizations than through the black-centric ones. I don't know what this means in the current racial and political climate but it seems like now more than ever we should be supporting each other rather than tearing each other down.
Showing posts with label friendships with women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendships with women. Show all posts
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Monday, June 20, 2016
Women
I've had a lifelong battle with other women. I don't feel like I fit in with large groups of women. It always feels like they are obsessed with trivial things that I don't care about. In my experience, women seem focused on making other women look/feel bad and not on supporting each other. When I'm traveling, I've learned that I will enjoy my night much better if I spend it alone at a restaurant or in my hotel room. The alternative of going out to dinner with a bunch of women who I can't trust and don't have anything in common with.
I met a woman through mutual work friend. She worked for a local engineering firm and was the only women of color in her office, much like me. During a conference we ended up spending a couple hours getting to know each other. We found out that we both loved running, dogs and Asian food. We agreed to meet together once a week to walk our dogs. We ended up running or having lunch together once a week as well. She had some annoying habits but overall she was someone that I enjoyed hanging out with.
One morning I got to the park at our designated time and she wasn't there. I texted her and she responded: "It's raining. I don't walk in the rain". Were her dogs aware of this? Apparently they no longer need to go to the bathroom or get exercise when it's raining. Let me be clear, this was not a monsoon. Here in Syracuse, we are known for some really terrible weather. This was a light rain on a beautiful spring day. A lot of other people were at the park working out. No one else seemed to think this was stay at home weather.
The fact that she didn't have the courtesy to call me to let me know she wasn't coming and that she would just let the time pass and assume that I would be okay with it because it was raining is ridiculous. I hung out with her a handful of times after this. Each time I saw her after that was less enjoyable than the last. Suddenly her flaws become hard to ignore. She was a bad dog parent. She was materialistic and obsessed with impressing the other wives of her husband's co-workers. She was trying to use my connections to gain traction at work. I'm sure these problems existed before but I let them go because there were positive things to balance them out. Eventually I stopped hanging out with her completely. She ended up moving across the state when her husband got a better job. I haven't spoken to her in years but she does occasionally pop up in my Facebook feed. Every post reminds me of why she and I could never be friends.
I have met several women through online running groups. I love these groups because we are all going for the same goals and everyone is extremely positive and supportive. As a person who typically runs alone, these groups give me a sense of community. Every once in a while I meet these women in person by running in a relay together or having dinner before/after a race. And every time, I feel left out, annoyed, bored, etc.
From women "forgetting" to pay their race/hotel/rental car fees to women being selfish and not considering the needs/wants of other people in the group, they are consistently unbearable. This has been easier to avoid since most of the groups also have male members. I find that I am often the only woman in a group of men or that I am waiting/commiserating with the men in the group while the women are being annoying. I am generally the wife who is hanging out with the husbands at weddings, Christmas parties, etc.
I'm sure there are great women out there but my life has been full of unreliable women. Even in cases when I have women that I would consider to be my friends, I can never completely let my guard down with them. I cannot cry on their shoulders and count on them to support me the way that I support them or the way that my male friends support me. I'd like to think that there are other women out there like me but really, at this point, I don't care. I'm too old for this shit.
I met a woman through mutual work friend. She worked for a local engineering firm and was the only women of color in her office, much like me. During a conference we ended up spending a couple hours getting to know each other. We found out that we both loved running, dogs and Asian food. We agreed to meet together once a week to walk our dogs. We ended up running or having lunch together once a week as well. She had some annoying habits but overall she was someone that I enjoyed hanging out with.
One morning I got to the park at our designated time and she wasn't there. I texted her and she responded: "It's raining. I don't walk in the rain". Were her dogs aware of this? Apparently they no longer need to go to the bathroom or get exercise when it's raining. Let me be clear, this was not a monsoon. Here in Syracuse, we are known for some really terrible weather. This was a light rain on a beautiful spring day. A lot of other people were at the park working out. No one else seemed to think this was stay at home weather.
The fact that she didn't have the courtesy to call me to let me know she wasn't coming and that she would just let the time pass and assume that I would be okay with it because it was raining is ridiculous. I hung out with her a handful of times after this. Each time I saw her after that was less enjoyable than the last. Suddenly her flaws become hard to ignore. She was a bad dog parent. She was materialistic and obsessed with impressing the other wives of her husband's co-workers. She was trying to use my connections to gain traction at work. I'm sure these problems existed before but I let them go because there were positive things to balance them out. Eventually I stopped hanging out with her completely. She ended up moving across the state when her husband got a better job. I haven't spoken to her in years but she does occasionally pop up in my Facebook feed. Every post reminds me of why she and I could never be friends.
I have met several women through online running groups. I love these groups because we are all going for the same goals and everyone is extremely positive and supportive. As a person who typically runs alone, these groups give me a sense of community. Every once in a while I meet these women in person by running in a relay together or having dinner before/after a race. And every time, I feel left out, annoyed, bored, etc.
From women "forgetting" to pay their race/hotel/rental car fees to women being selfish and not considering the needs/wants of other people in the group, they are consistently unbearable. This has been easier to avoid since most of the groups also have male members. I find that I am often the only woman in a group of men or that I am waiting/commiserating with the men in the group while the women are being annoying. I am generally the wife who is hanging out with the husbands at weddings, Christmas parties, etc.
I'm sure there are great women out there but my life has been full of unreliable women. Even in cases when I have women that I would consider to be my friends, I can never completely let my guard down with them. I cannot cry on their shoulders and count on them to support me the way that I support them or the way that my male friends support me. I'd like to think that there are other women out there like me but really, at this point, I don't care. I'm too old for this shit.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
The Birth of a Fitness Instructor
When I first became a Zumba instructor, a little over 3 years ago, I was shocked at how unfriendly other instructors were at jam sessions, conventions, training classes and other events. Women are definitely cliquey and catty by nature but Zumba seemed to bring out the worst in a lot of people. Most of the large studios in my area had so much drama among the instructors and their "pet" members that it was often uncomfortable to work out there. I used to take another instructor's class at least once a week but I stopped going because there was so much negative energy.
A year after getting my Zumba license I became AFAA group exercise certified and then AEA aquatic fitness certified the following year. To maintain these certifications I attend a lot of non-Zumba events. The people at the non-Zumba events were so much friendlier and more open than I was expecting. There are always a couple of divas in the room but nothing on the level of Zumba drama. What is it that makes some Zumba people so catty? Why do I find myself sitting in a corner by myself when I go to a Zumba event outside of my city but make 10 new friends every time its any other certification?
I have to admit part of it is definitely me. As my confidence as an instructor has grown (which I definitely have to credit to Zumba) so has my willingness to network and reach out to people. Maybe sometimes I was sitting in the corner by myself because I didn't appear friendly. Why should someone reach out to me if I'm not going to reach out to anyone else?
This Friday I am going to a master class with a local Zumba Jammer. I have all but sworn off these events because of how un-fun they generally are. But this Friday I'm going to walk in with a smile on my face and my expectations high. I'm going to talk to people and dance my ass off. I'm going to do my best to ignore the negative energy and focus on the positive. I have to believe that people who teach such an awesome class that has totally changed my life aren't all bad.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Lessons from a Girl
I am an insecure person. I have a lot of anxiety. I create stress where there isn't any. If I could learn to relax and not worry about what other people think, I wouldn't have to go the chiropractor once a week, I would sleep better and my general health would improve. That being said, the more time I spend around women, the clearer it is that I am a rock star compared to them.
The honeymoon with Kellie, my running partner, is definitely over. I am not writing her off by any means. But, now that she has gotten comfortable with me, her occasional girly slips have become constant. The insecurity. The mindless prattle. The questions that should be hypothetical, about race day conditions, other runners, etc. that she expects me to provide an answer for. The constant need for reassurance. It's exhausting.
The day before my weekly run with Kellie, I went to a potluck dinner with a group of women I met through meetup. What was supposed to be a night of giggles and good food turned into a group therapy session with me as the therapist. Two girly days in a row definitely put me more on edge and made me even less tolerant than I normally am (which is saying something).
Most of my unmarried friends are older than me. At first I thought it was strange that there were so many women in their late 30's and early 40's that were single (and not by choice) but the more time I spend with them, the less shocking it is. These women want to find "the one" and can't figure out why they keep getting duds. But they are so insecure that they won't go to the gym until they lose weight, can't be seen in the food court eating alone, and so on. The weak crap that they are putting out is only going to give them people who are going to live on that. A jerk who is also insecure is dying to find a weak woman that he can put down when he's not feeling great. Someone who won't leave him no matter what he does because they think they deserve it.
No, I'm not the skinny chick who hangs out with a bunch of fat chicks to make herself feel better. Well, I guess I sort of am, but I didn't go out looking for fat chicks. Somehow I can go to a meetup and meet 30 people but the weakest 5 will become people that I hang out with regularly. Maybe because the rest of them have a life already. Who knows. I have always had the ability to attract weakness to me. Regardless, if their going to depend on me to reassure them and guide them through life then I'm going to use them to better myself.
No, I would never skip the gym or a run because of my fear of what people thought of me. But I have moments where I worry that people are wondering how someone who looks like me can be a runner/fitness instructor. In my head I know that I am accomplished at both and I need to remind myself of that and not let my insecurities get the best of me.
So every time they do something that is a 10 on the stupid weak girl scale and I want to shake some sense into them, I will remind myself that I have the same problem (at a 3 on the scale). That as stupid and annoying as they are, I am equally as annoying to someone who is at a 1 on the scale. I have to love and accept myself as much as I expect them to or risk having someone blog about my insecure ass!
The day before my weekly run with Kellie, I went to a potluck dinner with a group of women I met through meetup. What was supposed to be a night of giggles and good food turned into a group therapy session with me as the therapist. Two girly days in a row definitely put me more on edge and made me even less tolerant than I normally am (which is saying something).
Most of my unmarried friends are older than me. At first I thought it was strange that there were so many women in their late 30's and early 40's that were single (and not by choice) but the more time I spend with them, the less shocking it is. These women want to find "the one" and can't figure out why they keep getting duds. But they are so insecure that they won't go to the gym until they lose weight, can't be seen in the food court eating alone, and so on. The weak crap that they are putting out is only going to give them people who are going to live on that. A jerk who is also insecure is dying to find a weak woman that he can put down when he's not feeling great. Someone who won't leave him no matter what he does because they think they deserve it.
No, I'm not the skinny chick who hangs out with a bunch of fat chicks to make herself feel better. Well, I guess I sort of am, but I didn't go out looking for fat chicks. Somehow I can go to a meetup and meet 30 people but the weakest 5 will become people that I hang out with regularly. Maybe because the rest of them have a life already. Who knows. I have always had the ability to attract weakness to me. Regardless, if their going to depend on me to reassure them and guide them through life then I'm going to use them to better myself.
No, I would never skip the gym or a run because of my fear of what people thought of me. But I have moments where I worry that people are wondering how someone who looks like me can be a runner/fitness instructor. In my head I know that I am accomplished at both and I need to remind myself of that and not let my insecurities get the best of me.
So every time they do something that is a 10 on the stupid weak girl scale and I want to shake some sense into them, I will remind myself that I have the same problem (at a 3 on the scale). That as stupid and annoying as they are, I am equally as annoying to someone who is at a 1 on the scale. I have to love and accept myself as much as I expect them to or risk having someone blog about my insecure ass!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The Problem with Women
I have always been the wife who was friends with the husbands/boyfriends. I am rarely comfortable when I'm stuck with a group of women. It's rare for me to have anything in common with them and highly likely that they will have some annoying girl habits or personality traits that I can't stand. I blogged about my surprise in meeting a dependable female friend this morning but my brain is telling me it's only been a few months, she still has time to disappoint, like the others. During one of my last turns as a bridesmaid I blogged about how a previously tolerable female friend turned out to be annoying in the end.
A few recent examples:
- I can't go out to the movies with you like we scheduled 3 weeks ago because my mother isn't available to babysit my 3 year old daughter.
This woman's mother lived 4 hours away in another city but came to visit often. She never looked for a babysitter for her daughter. Her daughter didn't have any medical problems or behavioral problems that would make her a special case. Prior to the birth of her child, my husband and I spent a lot of time with her and her husband. She is one of many woman who lost themselves after the birth of their child. They put all of their life and energy into the child and forget that they existed as anything other than a mom. This woman and her husband recently divorced because they stopped focusing on their relationship and only did or talked about things as they related to their child.
- I can't meet you to run/walk the dogs in 5 minutes like we had planned because it's raining.
I'm not talking about torrential down pours. Just a little drizzle. Here in Syracuse there is a precipitation event every few days. A week without rain or snow would be unlikely. Sadly this women did this to me 3 times before I wrote her off for good. Cancelling at the last minute is generally a sign of a lame excuse, not a legitimate conflict. And cancelling once it's too late for me not to leave my house is inexcusable.
- I know we sat down and picked a date for that get together at your house that was convenient for me a few weeks ago but I'm going to have to back out because we're refinishing our bathroom, my son has a soccer game, it was the only day my in-laws could come over, etc.
This is the most prevalent one these days. Especially with Facebook and Meetup where everyone wants to look social and RSVP for everything. When I schedule a date to do something with someone that day is blocked out in my calendar. If someone else asks me to do something on that day I won't book anything because I already have a commitment. I don't commit to things that I don't intend to show up for and I don't cancel at the last minute if something better comes along. I can't tell you how many afternoons/nights/weekends I have wasted on these very same people doing something I didn't want to do but had committed too but these people never seem to be able to return the courtesy. They are self centered, selfish and unreliable. These people are not my friends. They are my acquaintances and they remind me why they will never be anything more than that.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Running with Pride
My struggle to be a faster and more consistent runner is nothing new. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I have been a runner for 25 years and am in no way a beginner. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to win races (even though occasionally at less popular races I have placed in my age group). No one is going to mistake me for a runner when they just see me walking down the street. On a day when I'm wearing shorts they might notice my muscular legs and think that I workout but my 40 inch waist and big boobs make me look more like a burlesque dancer than a runner.
In the fall I took a leap of faith and responded to a post about women in my area looking for running partners. My closest friends have always been men. I have struggled to make a connection with women for my entire life. Most women I meet aren't interested in the same things that I am and I tire of their company pretty quickly. When I first moved to Syracuse I joined a few groups in meetup and through them developed a social life. I now know a lot of women but I would consider very few of them friends and, outside of meetup activities, don't spend time with them.
I was very nervous the first day I went to meet my new running partner. Was she going to be skinny? Fast? Was she going to be shocked that someone that looked like me responded to her post? What were we going to talk about for three miles? Was she going to talk about her kids the whole time? Would I be able to run and talk? Would I feel okay running without my Ipod?
Kellie and I hit it off right away. She looked as nervous as I was. We had a great run and easy conversation. There are definitely girly things about her that I don't enjoy but I don't let those things get to me. Having a running partner is worth overlooking a few personality differences. I know I'm not perfect and that there are plenty of things about me that people don't like but put up with. I need to extend that same courtesy to other people instead of writing them off so quickly.
I have run with Kellie once a week since Halloween. We have not done a race together but we plan to next month. My running pace has increased to a 10:45 mile for a 5K and stayed there. I have not run at this pace since 2006. A few years ago I blogged about my excitement about getting down to an 11:04 pace and my hope that I could get back under 11 minutes. Now here I am and it happened fairly easily.
I make sure I run three days a week consistently now. When I travel for work I use the hotel gym. When the weather is bad I bundle up and brave the cold, snowy weather. I used to drive pass those people running in arctic temperatures and think how great it must be to be so dedicated. Now I have become one of those people. I know that if I don't run during the week, my weekly run with Kellie on the weekend will not go well. I don't want to hold her back.
I am still struggling to lose weight but I am getting faster even though my weight hasn't changed. Imagine how much easier running will be when I can finally get rid of the 20 lbs that I've gained over the past few years. My joints won't ache. My thighs won't rub together. My biggest fear is that I'm going to develop a serious injury because of the stress my weight is putting on my joints. But that's a different battle. Right now I'm basking in the glow of feeling like a runner again.
I have attended more running events in the past few months than I have in several years. I have consistently run on my own and participated in road races but I never went to group runs or events at local athletic stores. I always felt like people would judge me. That a bunch of elite skinny runners would be in a room talking about their running experiences and I would sit in a corner by myself, left out. Kellie and I have joined the local running club and attended these meetings together. And even when Kellie went on vacation I attended these meetings by myself and I survived. Yes, I felt uncomfortable and isolated at times but I also felt like I belonged.
My confidence has increased as a result of this newly rekindled running passion. I talk about running with elite runners without make self deprecating comments about my pace/size. I accept that I will never be as fast as them but I have been running for just as long, if not longer, than they have and have a lot to contribute to the conversation. People recognized my face because I had been coming to events for months. They accepted me as a runner and I guess, finally, so did I.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
How to Keep Your Bridesmaids Happy
l. Let them pick their own dresses. You pick the color but let them pick the style. Everyone's body is shaped different and nothing will piss people off more than buying a dress that makes them feel uncomfortable. People will tell you they can have the dress altered and will wear it again but they aren't going to do that. If you must have your bridesmaids dressed like identical Stepford wives then get their input on the dress that you pick. At the bridal store they can tell you "this isn't flattering on my body or I hate this dress" without having to worry about pissing you off. If you've already picked the dress without any input from your bridesmaids you are not being a good friend. You wouldn't want someone else to pick out a dress that you had to wear for 12 hours. Not too mention have it preserved in pictures forever.
2. Plan activities for the wedding weekend. People are spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to participate in your big day. No one wants to spend four days in your mothers living room staring at the wall. Planning activities doesn't mean paying for them. Even if you don't feel like doing anything, many of your friends and family members will. Put together a wedding website (you can do it for free) with links to local attractions and give your wedding party some free time so they can check out these attractions. Once again, you don't have to participate if you don't want to. Your wedding party will have no problem going out and having a good time without you and this time out may lead to new friendships and relationships.
3. Provide your bridal party with a schedule well before the wedding weekend. This will make it easier for them to plan any activities that they may want to do outside of the wedding activities and will help them figure out when they want to arrive and what to pack. The night before your wedding isn't the first time your bridesmaids should find out that they have a 9 am hair appointment for your 4 pm wedding.
4. Make sure your bridesmaids will be able to see the ceremony or will be able to sit if it is a long ceremony. I have been in weddings were I have not been able to see the bride or the groom for the entire ceremony because of the setup of the church and the placement of the bridal party. I didn't spend $1000 to listen to your wedding. And I certainly didn't spend that money to pass out because I was standing in my 4" heels in a hot church for 90 minutes with my knees locked.
5. Taking into consideration any special accommodations that you need to make for your bridesmaids. You should know these people really well or you wouldn't have asked them to be in your wedding. If one of your bridesmaids is black and you and all the other bridesmaids are white don't expect her to get her hair done at the same salon. Even if you have checked with the salon to see if they have someone who can do black people's hair it will take a lot longer for her to get her hair done than it will take for the rest of you. And, realistically, she's going to want to check out the salon on her own before hand to make sure she is comfortable going there. A bad hair day for her could take months to undo and will only reinforce that she is different.
If one of your bridesmaids is a vegetarian don't plan an all you can eat beef smorgasbord for your rehearsal dinner. If one of your bridesmaids is obese or doesn't work out regularly, that wedding day 5K might not be such a good idea. If you want to be friends with these people after the wedding then you need to act like a friend when you plan the wedding.
2. Plan activities for the wedding weekend. People are spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to participate in your big day. No one wants to spend four days in your mothers living room staring at the wall. Planning activities doesn't mean paying for them. Even if you don't feel like doing anything, many of your friends and family members will. Put together a wedding website (you can do it for free) with links to local attractions and give your wedding party some free time so they can check out these attractions. Once again, you don't have to participate if you don't want to. Your wedding party will have no problem going out and having a good time without you and this time out may lead to new friendships and relationships.
3. Provide your bridal party with a schedule well before the wedding weekend. This will make it easier for them to plan any activities that they may want to do outside of the wedding activities and will help them figure out when they want to arrive and what to pack. The night before your wedding isn't the first time your bridesmaids should find out that they have a 9 am hair appointment for your 4 pm wedding.
4. Make sure your bridesmaids will be able to see the ceremony or will be able to sit if it is a long ceremony. I have been in weddings were I have not been able to see the bride or the groom for the entire ceremony because of the setup of the church and the placement of the bridal party. I didn't spend $1000 to listen to your wedding. And I certainly didn't spend that money to pass out because I was standing in my 4" heels in a hot church for 90 minutes with my knees locked.
5. Taking into consideration any special accommodations that you need to make for your bridesmaids. You should know these people really well or you wouldn't have asked them to be in your wedding. If one of your bridesmaids is black and you and all the other bridesmaids are white don't expect her to get her hair done at the same salon. Even if you have checked with the salon to see if they have someone who can do black people's hair it will take a lot longer for her to get her hair done than it will take for the rest of you. And, realistically, she's going to want to check out the salon on her own before hand to make sure she is comfortable going there. A bad hair day for her could take months to undo and will only reinforce that she is different.
If one of your bridesmaids is a vegetarian don't plan an all you can eat beef smorgasbord for your rehearsal dinner. If one of your bridesmaids is obese or doesn't work out regularly, that wedding day 5K might not be such a good idea. If you want to be friends with these people after the wedding then you need to act like a friend when you plan the wedding.
Friday, May 14, 2010
The More Time I Spend with Women...
The more I love men. I've never enjoyed hanging out with large groups of women. Slumber parties where we do each other's hair and talk about boys? Not a chance. All day at the mall to shop and giggle? I'd rather have a root canal. The conversations are always about things that I don't care about and there is the inevitable cattiness and low self esteem that just make me sick.
It takes me 20 minutes to get ready in the morning whether I'm going to the gym or a wedding. If it takes you longer than that, we can't hang out. I love sports, I love food, I swear like a trucker and I love a good dirty joke. I've never had any desire to watch Grey's Anatomy, Friends, Sex in the City, The Bachelor...the list goes on. I know a lot of you women feel the same way and I'm happy to be friends with you. I don't know if we are in the minority but it definitely feels like it.
I recently went to a bridal shower for my friend Jessica who is marrying her girlfriend of 10 years. They met playing softball in college. So you'd think this was the perfect atmosphere for a girl like me. Not so much. Their softball team (at least 75% lesbian) was very cliquey and only talked to each other. Her high school friends had all become soccer moms and sat in the corner in their Ann Taylor dresses talking about their children and husbands and how they were dying to get some makeup on Jessica to accentuate her cheekbones (not making this up). I am a social person but people were not open to meeting anyone new and were pretty blatant in ignoring me and the other outsiders. It seems that no matter what the situation the default is the bitchy rudeness when you get a group of women together.
I've experienced the same sort of cliquishness in my quilting and aerobics meetup groups. I thought the point of meetup was to meet new people. Every event I have gone to only reminded me that I was not part of any of these little cliques and, short of someone new joining who was also an outsider, I wasn't going to ever belong. I continue to go to meetup events and look out for new meetup groups that match up to my interests because I'm not going back to my hermit phase. But it's hard to push forward when after 5 years in Syracuse I still find myself looking for a place where I belong. If I didn't have my husband and my out of state friends and family it would be a very lonely existence.
It takes me 20 minutes to get ready in the morning whether I'm going to the gym or a wedding. If it takes you longer than that, we can't hang out. I love sports, I love food, I swear like a trucker and I love a good dirty joke. I've never had any desire to watch Grey's Anatomy, Friends, Sex in the City, The Bachelor...the list goes on. I know a lot of you women feel the same way and I'm happy to be friends with you. I don't know if we are in the minority but it definitely feels like it.
I recently went to a bridal shower for my friend Jessica who is marrying her girlfriend of 10 years. They met playing softball in college. So you'd think this was the perfect atmosphere for a girl like me. Not so much. Their softball team (at least 75% lesbian) was very cliquey and only talked to each other. Her high school friends had all become soccer moms and sat in the corner in their Ann Taylor dresses talking about their children and husbands and how they were dying to get some makeup on Jessica to accentuate her cheekbones (not making this up). I am a social person but people were not open to meeting anyone new and were pretty blatant in ignoring me and the other outsiders. It seems that no matter what the situation the default is the bitchy rudeness when you get a group of women together.
I've experienced the same sort of cliquishness in my quilting and aerobics meetup groups. I thought the point of meetup was to meet new people. Every event I have gone to only reminded me that I was not part of any of these little cliques and, short of someone new joining who was also an outsider, I wasn't going to ever belong. I continue to go to meetup events and look out for new meetup groups that match up to my interests because I'm not going back to my hermit phase. But it's hard to push forward when after 5 years in Syracuse I still find myself looking for a place where I belong. If I didn't have my husband and my out of state friends and family it would be a very lonely existence.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
