Marriage is Hard

I often get frustrated with my husband because it seems like he asks for permission to do everything and/or volunteers to inconvenience himself for no good reason.  Whether it is work or family, he frequently invites people to take advantage of him by taking on more than any one else.  

I don't think people should steamroll their way through life but there is no reason to accommodate everyone to the point that your are putting yourself last.  Sometimes these incidents lead to friction between us which I'd like to avoid.  I am working on taking a breath and evaluating situations before I react.  I have a tendency to jump to conclusions and overreact and that never ends well. 

I'm trying to consider the alternative.  Do I want my husband to be so brash that he never considers someone else's opinion?  Of course not.  I have dated men who considered me as an afterthought.  Who blatantly commented on how beautiful other women were to me but never complimented me.  Who forgot to pick me up for dates.  Who always made me feel guilty for expecting any attention.  Those guys were jerks.  I never would have married those guys.  I didn't have healthy relationships with them.  I didn't value myself and I let them treat me like crap.   My husband would never do those things.  He is a very loving and supportive person.  

Maybe my husband will stop being so accommodating as his self confidence increases.  Maybe he won't.  He's already been like this for 37 years.  Maybe I just have to accept that we are very different people and that this is one of those things that I just have to learn to deal with.  Pointing out where he is weak doesn't make me strong and it definitely doesn't make our relationship stronger.  Ugh.  

Lessons from a Girl

I am an insecure person.  I have a lot of anxiety.  I create stress where there isn't any.  If I could learn to relax and not worry about what other people think, I wouldn't have to go the chiropractor once a week, I would sleep better and my general health would improve.  That being said, the more time I spend around women, the clearer it is that I am a rock star compared to them.

The honeymoon with Kellie, my running partner, is definitely over.  I am not writing her off by any means.  But, now that she has gotten comfortable with me, her occasional girly slips have become constant. The insecurity.  The mindless prattle.  The questions that should be hypothetical, about race day conditions, other runners, etc. that she expects me to provide an answer for.  The constant need for reassurance.  It's exhausting. 

The day before my weekly run with Kellie, I went to a potluck dinner with a group of women I met through meetup.  What was supposed to be a night of giggles and good food turned into a group therapy session with me as the therapist.  Two girly days in a row definitely put me more on edge and made me even less tolerant than I normally am (which is saying something).

Most of my unmarried friends are older than me.  At first I thought it was strange that there were so many women in their late 30's and early 40's that were single (and not by choice) but the more time I spend with them, the less shocking it is.  These women want to find "the one" and can't figure out why they keep getting duds.  But they are so insecure that they won't go to the gym until they lose weight, can't be seen in the food court eating alone, and so on.  The weak crap that they are putting out is only going to give them people who are going to live on that.  A jerk who is also insecure is dying to find a weak woman that he can put down when he's not feeling great.  Someone who won't leave him no matter what he does because they think they deserve it. 

No, I'm not the skinny chick who hangs out with a bunch of fat chicks to make herself feel better.  Well, I guess I sort of am, but I didn't go out looking for fat chicks.  Somehow I can go to a meetup and meet 30 people but the weakest 5 will become people that I hang out with regularly.  Maybe because the rest of them have a life already.  Who knows.  I have always had the ability to attract weakness to me.  Regardless, if their going to depend on me to reassure them and guide them through life then I'm going to use them to better myself.

No, I would never skip the gym or a run because of my fear of what people thought of me.  But I have moments where I worry that people are wondering how someone who looks like me can be a runner/fitness instructor.  In my head I know that I am accomplished at both and I need to remind myself of that and not let my insecurities get the best of me.

So every time they do something that is a 10 on the stupid weak girl scale and I want to shake some sense into them, I will remind myself that I have the same problem (at a 3 on the scale).  That as stupid and annoying as they are, I am equally as annoying to someone who is at a 1 on the scale.  I have to love and accept myself as much as I expect them to or risk having someone blog about my insecure ass!

The Joys of Marriage

There are many days when I can't believe I ever managed life as a single person. The obvious perk is companionship. Always having a date to weddings. Someone to go with you when you check out that new club/restaurant/play you've been dying to see. A warm body in bed. An ear to listen to you complain about your crappy day. Someone to hold your hand at the doctor's office. A partner in life.

In my marriage I also have the benefit of having a husband who is very handy. I don't have to worry about who's going to cut the grass, snow blow the driveway, clean the gutters, etc. Not to mention all the minor repairs I would have paid a professional to complete that my husband can do.

I hope that my husband thinks of me in a similar way. I do most of the shopping, plan and cook most meals, manage the money, do the laundry and provide most of the care for our pets. When he was single there weren't pets to deal with but I hope that my management of the other household tasks makes up for the additional responsibility of our three pets.

Unfortunately its not all perfect wedded bliss. There are days when I feel like my life is harder to manage than it was when I was single. When it feels like I have a roommate and not a partner. I've had a few of these days in a row and the only way I'm going to get any sleep tonight is to blog about it. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and there are way more good days than bad days but sometimes he makes me want to scream!

I have the luxury of having a flexible work schedule. I rarely spend more than 24 hours in my office a week. If I have a busy week of traveling and meetings, I can usually take it easy the next week. I work from home as often, if not more, as I go to the office. Sometimes I get cabin fever because I spend so much time in the house alone. I feel like a housewife after too much time alone at home taking care of the pets and the house. I get so excited about my husband coming home and helping out. In my mind, the moment he walks in the door he will notice how clean the house is, how good dinner smells, the pile of clean laundry in his drawer and the fully stocked pantry and be so grateful for this that he will offer to take the dogs out for a long playtime while I enjoy a hot bath. After that he will carry me to the bedroom and make sweet love to me while telling me how much he appreciates me.

Okay, that's not really what I expect but a little bit of that would be nice. My husband works a very physical job and is usually at work 45+ hours a week. When he comes home he sits down and eats dinner and then watches TV until its time to go to bed. The next morning, he might watch another 2-3 hours of TV before getting ready for work. I try not to say anything because I know I've got a really cushy job most days and I recognize how tired he must be. A lot of times my expectation of the relief that I will have when my husband gets home doesn't match up with reality and get frustrated with him. I know it's not fair for me to be angry with him for not living up to my daydream but it's also not fair for him to expect me to give him a free pass in this household.

I recognize that he's not going to be ready to jump up and do something the moment he gets home but after a few hours it starts to get to me. I think that if he sees me doing something productive that will inspire him to do something productive and he will get off the couch and help. That's how my brain works but it's definitely not how his works.

Sunday my husband left the house at 8:45 am and returned home at 8:30 pm. Someone had called out of work so he ended up working later than usual. We sat down and watched TV until 10:30 when he went to bed. This morning my husband's alarm went off at 7 am. After an hour of snooze and sleep he came downstairs made his coffee and sat on the couch to watch TV. He stayed there until it was time for him to take a shower and get ready for work. He left at 10:15 am.

While he was sitting on the couch I took each dog outside for a separate play time and then played with them together inside the house. Then I did the dishes. After that I was a little pissed because I'd been telling him off in my head for the past 15 minutes. I went to sit down and read a magazine to cool off and relax before going to work. About 5 minutes into reading, my husband comes into the bedroom being all cute and kissy face and I'm thinking to myself "Are you f-ing kidding me?". That's not what I said. I didn't say anything. I kissed him back and pretended like everything was okay but if he was paying attention it would have been obvious to him that I was pretending. So not only are you not going to help me but you're going to interrupt the only private time that I've had all morning?

I had meetings after work today and didn't get home until 11 pm. My husband was getting off at 4 pm. Before he left for work this morning I asked him to stop by the pet store and pick up dog food on his way home because otherwise there wouldn't be enough food for the dogs to have dinner or breakfast the next morning. The pet store is literally in the same parking lot as his job. A pretty nasty storm rolled in this evening so on my way home I stopped at the grocery store to pick up milk and a couple of other things we were out of. It was white knuckle driving the whole way home because of the black ice and blowing snow. When I walked in the house I found a sink full of dirty dishes and a note on the door that says "Sorry forgot the dog food, guess I'm a bad husband". My husband is asleep because he has to be at work at 7 am. So there is no chance of him planning on doing any of these things in the morning.

Forgetting the dog food is one thing. Being at home from 4 pm until 10 pm when the pet stores close and not going to get any food is another thing. Not sending me a text message or an e-mail is an even bigger thing since tomorrow I will likely have to drive in a blizzard with several inches of snow on the ground. That's why I picked up the necessities tonight in case we got snowed in. But that's not his problem. I'll go to the pet store tomorrow and get their food. I'll deal with whatever digestive issues they might have from eating a different diet for the past couple meals. I'll get dog food in the morning and then come home to make sure it's here before I leave for work and another late night of meetings. As always, it will be my problem to deal with and not his.

My husband and I have had this argument before so I'm not even going to deal with it. What usually happens is that I get upset that he forgot something or that he isn't helping out. Then he reminds me of how physical his job his and how easy mine is. So then the implication is that I should do more because I have more free time. That he needs more time to decompress after work because of how demanding his job is. Then I usually get the "You know I'm not a dog person/I told you if we got another dog I wasn't going to pitch in more" speech. Then I usually remind him that I'm only asking him to take an hour out of the five hours that he spent on the couch to help out. This sort of passive-aggressive argument goes on for about an hour until we are both sick of it. Then we have an awkward truce where we watch TV and go to bed still frustrated. There might be an apology the next morning or more discomfort but there is never any resolution.

So what tends to happen next is that I become even more obsessive compulsive about making sure everything gets done. I am already a control freak but after one of these incidents I feel like if I don't do it, it won't get done. Then my husband gets frustrated with me for second guessing him all the time. Eventually I let my guard down and ask him to do something and the whole cycle starts all over again.

Tomorrow morning my husband will be all kissy face and act like nothing has happened. I will spend the night tossing and turning and having an argument with him in my head. I might be short with him in the morning but he either won't notice or we'll have an argument about it. Then I'll spend the day stewing every time I do something that he could've done while he was home.

I think the worst part of it is the expectation that he was going to do something. At least when I was single I knew that it was all on my plate and I never relied on anyone to help me out with anything. Marriage gives you the false impression that you have a partner in all aspects of life but that's not the case at all. You have more help in some areas and less help, but more work, in others. What I'd really like to do is go upstairs and take a bath to relax after this long day but I can't because the dogs would run upstairs and play and wake up my husband. So I'll just sit down here and stew because I'm being considerate of his needs even though he clearly doesn't return the favor. F that. I'm taking bath and turning on some relaxing music.

Breaking Up is Hard

Phil, my boyfriend from 9th grade. I'm a jerk. I'm sorry I wrote you a note and broke your heart. But you had to know that you were just the rebound boyfriend from Jared and that I was just using you to boost my self esteem. Because of you, I put up with people's crap much longer than I should because I fear that they to will accuse me of being a liar and quitting without really trying. Steve, Adam, Christian, ditto. Just insert a different ex-boyfriend's name.

Shortly after Phil, there was Lisa. My best friend in intermediate school. We definitely went in different directions in high school but she still told everyone we were best friends. It wasn't hurting me and really, I was no where near as cool as I thought I was. So why did I have to write you that note spelling it out, sending you crying from the lunch room. To this day her family hates me even though Lisa and I made up just a couple years later. Popularity is fleeting. I wish I were a better person back then. It is because of you that I will never turn down a friend request on Facebook no matter how brief my interaction was with the requester.

Sure, I told my freshman college roommate that I would room with her again sophomore year and then went to the housing office and changed my preference but that sort of passive break up is much easier on the soul. For most of my late teens and 20's I just let relationships get to the point that they were complete crap and then the other person ended them. I would always be surprised when they ended the relationship like it was some tragic loss. I was sad because I had lost something familiar, not something that was valuable in my life. A couple days later I always realized that the relationship had been gone for a long time and that I'd been wasting my time for years. Then I was angry at myself for being the victim and not taking the initiative to end it myself. Of course, I repeated this cycle over and over again. I'm sure a therapist would have a field day with this.

Lately, the people I have collected would best be described as acquaintances. These are people that you meet by chance or circumstance that you don't really consider your friends but they somehow find a way to weasel themselves into your life. The girl at the gym who always says hi to you who one day asks if you want to sit together when you bump into her at the food court. You say yes because it seems harmless and then spend the next 4 years of your life trying to unfriend her. Or better yet, the woman who you meet at a business conference who finds out that you both have dogs and like to run and is suddenly planning play dates and races. One week later you find out that you have nothing in common with this girl (seriously, how many people in the world have dogs and run, that's really not the basis for a friendship) but somehow find yourself going to parties at her house and dragging your husband to dinner with her and her miserable husband for an uncomfortable evening of bad conversation and nervous laughter.

Is there a target on my back that says "Please become excessively clingy to this woman and feed on her like a parasite"? The funny thing is I'm really not a nice person. Sure, if we're friends I am nice and compassionate but to the outside world I am bitchy, sarcastic, opinionated, obnoxious, inappropriate and loud. But that seems to be what attracts people. "Oh Denise you're so funny" or "You are crazy" are said to me on a regular basis. No really, I meant it when I told you to go away and I can't stand you. It wasn't a joke. How can I let my guard down when I meet new people without worrying that I'm going to end up with another leech? It's almost impossible not to be mean to these hangers-on because they just don't get the subtle comments. But I probably won't be mean. I'm all talk at this point. Maybe two out of every 10 leeches will get released. I'll just deal with it until one of us moves or they get the point.

Oh John, you were a horrible personal trainer. That's why I kept cancelling our appointments. You are a total meat head who spent more time looking in the mirror and flirting with the skinny girls than you ever spent on me. You never even listened to me talk. I'm glad that you no longer work at Bally's so I don't have to worry about hiding from you when I'm in the mall. Just because I'm not skinny doesn't mean that I've never worked out before. You talked down to me and made me feel like crap and I hope that someone tells you this before you ruin someone else's self esteem.