Wednesday, July 30, 2014

10 days left

I can't believe it's been 90 days since this whole "new me manifesto" started.  I can't say that I've changed a lot so I guess this 100 days thing doesn't really work unless you commit yourself to doing something every day for that time period.  

My husband and I are in the process of selling our current house and buying another one.  The level of stress that this brings to my already fragile existence is insane.  It seems to amplify all the issues that I already have and bring up new issues that I didn't even know existed. 

The freedom of my flex time schedule has meant that I'm the one overseeing the contractors and cleaning the house while my husband goes to work every day.  I already tend to go stir crazy when I overuse my work from home privileges but this is worse than normal.  Not only am I sitting in my house all day, I have endless projects that I need to do to get our house ready to put on the market.  I know it will all be worth it in the end but right now it's making me miserable.  

Positive thought for the day: Packing and storing our stuff has helped us get rid of a lot of junk.  It's kind of freeing to get rid of clutter and exciting to think about buying new furniture.  I struggle to throw things out sometimes because I love the idea of re-purposing everything.  I rarely have time to follow through with those projects so I end up with a lot of piles of half finished projects and I stress over not getting those projects done.  As hard as it is to let go of some of these projects, it's a relief too.  

Goals for tomorrow: Carve out some me time before/after the contractors so I don't feel so trapped.  Plan my day over breakfast so I don't get derailed trying to do a million things.  Ask my husband for help/support.  

Monday, July 7, 2014

65 Days and Green with Envy

Social media is making me jealous.  I used to have a lot of friends who were curvy and fit like me.  Now they are all skinny and uber fit and I'm on the only curvy one left.  Sure, I have plenty of friends who are obese and inactive but I don't want to be lumped into that category. 

Two of my curvy friends starting taking Zumba classes.  I encouraged them because I love Zumba and it turned my life around 5 years ago.  So of course now they go non-stop and have lost tons of weight.  They know have their own clique of front row divas and know as many instructors as I do.  At least they could have lost weight by attending my classes.  No, that would have sucked more. Nevermind.    

A handful of other friends starting running.  I have been running road races for 20+ years.  It is my time to meditate and reflect.  Even though sometimes my body hates it, my brain is always in the mood to run.  I always recommend running to people because it's cheap; a pair of shoes and a sports bra and you're good to go.  Of course they all now do road races regularly and are much faster than I am. 

I know I should be happy for them but I feel like everything that defines me has been hijacked by other people.  So you've been doing something that I love for a short period of time and are better at it than me.  Awesome.  Please show me another picture of yourself in your bra top and your short shorts winning your age group.  I know.  It's childish.  

The reality is that they were all bigger than me and now they are all smaller than me and it pisses me off.  They were all more disciplined than I have every been about my diet and exercise and, as a result, they have seen amazing results.  I can't be jealous that they worked hard and got rewarded in the end.  But I am.  I am happy for them (to their faces) but my insides are boiling inside and with every happy post I just want to punch the computer screen.  

I know.  If I were happy with me I wouldn't be so jealous of them.  If I tried harder and was proud of my accomplishments I wouldn't waste so much time obsessing over theirs.  Believe me, I would never admit to being this shallow to outside of this blog.  I am pretty ashamed of myself. 

I'd like to believe that this will motivate me.  That the chance to one-up the people who accidentally one-upped me by getting their shit together will be the final piece to motivate me but I doubt it.  Somewhere within me is the motivation.  I just need to find it. And do squats instead of logging onto Facebook.