Women

I've had a lifelong battle with other women.  I don't feel like I fit in with large groups of women.  It always feels like they are obsessed with trivial things that I don't care about.  In my experience, women seem focused on making other women look/feel bad and not on supporting each other.  When I'm traveling, I've learned that I will enjoy my night much better if I spend it alone at a restaurant or in my hotel room.  The alternative of going out to dinner with a bunch of women who I can't trust and don't have anything in common with.   
 
I met a woman through mutual work friend.  She worked for a local engineering firm and was the only women of color in her office, much like me.  During a conference we ended up spending a couple hours getting to know each other.  We found out that we both loved running, dogs and Asian food. We agreed to meet together once a week to walk our dogs.  We ended up running or having lunch together once a week as well.  She had some annoying habits but overall she was someone that I enjoyed hanging out with. 

One morning I got to the park at our designated time and she wasn't there.  I texted her and she responded: "It's raining.  I don't walk in the rain".   Were her dogs aware of this?  Apparently they no longer need to go to the bathroom or get exercise when it's raining.  Let me be clear, this was not a monsoon.  Here in Syracuse, we are known for some really terrible weather.  This was a light rain on a beautiful spring day.  A lot of other people were at the park working out.  No one else seemed to think this was stay at home weather.

The fact that she didn't have the courtesy to call me to let me know she wasn't coming and that she would just let the time pass and assume that I would be okay with it because it was raining is ridiculous.  I hung out with her a handful of times after this.  Each time I saw her after that was less enjoyable than the last.  Suddenly her flaws become hard to ignore.  She was a bad dog parent.  She was materialistic and obsessed with impressing the other wives of her husband's co-workers.  She was trying to use my connections to gain traction at work.  I'm sure these problems existed before but I let them go because there were positive things to balance them out.  Eventually I stopped hanging out with her completely.  She ended up moving across the state when her husband got a better job.  I haven't spoken to her in years but she does occasionally pop up in my Facebook feed.  Every post reminds me of why she and I could never be friends.  

I have met several women through online running groups.  I love these groups because we are all going for the same goals and everyone is extremely positive and supportive.  As a person who typically runs alone, these groups give me a sense of community.  Every once in a while I meet these women in person by running in a relay together or having dinner before/after a race.  And every time, I feel left out, annoyed, bored, etc. 

From women "forgetting" to pay their race/hotel/rental car fees to women being selfish and not considering the needs/wants of other people in the group, they are consistently unbearable.  This has been easier to avoid since most of the groups also have male members.  I find that I am often the only woman in a group of men or that I am waiting/commiserating with the men in the group while the women are being annoying.  I am generally the wife who is hanging out with the husbands at weddings, Christmas parties, etc. 

I'm sure there are great women out there but my life has been full of unreliable women.  Even in cases when I have women that I would consider to be my friends, I can never completely let my guard down with them.  I cannot cry on their shoulders and count on them to support me the way that I support them or the way that my male friends support me.  I'd like to think that there are other women out there like me but really, at this point, I don't care.  I'm too old for this shit.   

The Problem with Women

I have always been the wife who was friends with the husbands/boyfriends.  I am rarely comfortable when I'm stuck with a group of women.  It's rare for me to have anything in common with them and highly likely that they will have some annoying girl habits or personality traits that I can't stand.  I blogged about my surprise in meeting a dependable female friend this morning but my brain is telling me it's only been a few months, she still has time to disappoint, like the others.  During one of my last turns as a bridesmaid I blogged about how a previously tolerable female friend turned out to be annoying in the end.  

A few recent examples:

• I can't go out to the movies with you like we scheduled 3 weeks ago because my mother isn't available to babysit my 3 year old daughter.  

This woman's mother lived 4 hours away in another city but came to visit often.  She never looked for a babysitter for her daughter.  Her daughter didn't have any medical problems or behavioral problems that would make her a special case.  Prior to the birth of her child, my husband and I spent a lot of time with her and her husband.  She is one of many woman who lost themselves after the birth of their child.  They put all of their life and energy into the child and forget that they existed as anything other than a mom.  This woman and her husband recently divorced because they stopped focusing on their relationship and only did or talked about things as they related to their child. 

• I can't meet you to run/walk the dogs in 5 minutes like we had planned because it's raining.  

I'm not talking about torrential down pours.  Just a little drizzle.  Here in Syracuse there is a precipitation event every few days.  A week without rain or snow would be unlikely.  Sadly this women did this to me 3 times before I wrote her off for good.  Cancelling at the last minute is generally a sign of a lame excuse, not a legitimate conflict.  And cancelling once it's too late for me not to leave my house is inexcusable.  

• I know we sat down and picked a date for that get together at your house that was convenient for me a few weeks ago but I'm going to have to back out because we're refinishing our bathroom, my son has a soccer game, it was the only day my in-laws could come over, etc.

This is the most prevalent one these days.  Especially with Facebook and Meetup where everyone wants to look social and RSVP for everything.  When I schedule a date to do something with someone that day is blocked out in my calendar.  If someone else asks me to do something on that day I won't book anything because I already have a commitment.  I don't commit to things that I don't intend to show up for and I don't   cancel at the last minute if something better comes along.  I can't tell you how many afternoons/nights/weekends I have wasted on these very same people doing something I didn't want to do but had committed too but these people never seem to be able to return the courtesy.  They are self centered, selfish and unreliable.  These people are not my friends.  They are my acquaintances and they remind me why they will never be anything more than that.