Family

My sister-in-law and her family just left. She and her husband and their two kids have stayed with us for the past few days.  Prior to their visit I was terrified about how the weekend would go.  My sister-in-law and her family live in a very conservative, very white, southern town where everyone sees each other on church on Sunday and knows each other's business.  The last time we went to their house (4 years ago) it was very uncomfortable.  The kids seemed to be embarrassed to be seen with me (I'm black and my husband is white) in public.  Her husband grew up in this town and occasionally made border-line racist comments.  Not to mention all the good ole boy jokes about shooting and killing animals.  

The younger of the 2 children was 10 years old the last time we saw him.  He was very whiny and needed constant attention.  He wanted my husband's undivided attention and viewed me as an intrusion into his relationship with his uncle.  He was clearly showing signs of growing up to be a good ole boy just like his daddy and that worried me.  Thanks to Facebook we are able to keep up on the kids lives and interests.  The pictures of various things that he killed, the racist anti-Obama jokes and various other comments from ignorant friends on his page Facebook page only increased my fears of having him in my house with my pets for a few days.  

I am happy to say that my worries were a huge overreaction.  I should have given my nephew more credit.  A 14 year old boy is much different from a 10 year old boy.  Whatever his political/social views are they didn't come up during the weekend (I'm not sure why I thought they would).  When we went out to the mall and the skating rink he didn't treat me any different and actually hung out with me more than with my husband at times.  I'm sure that fact that he was far away from home and in a very diverse place helped but I'd like to think that the next time we head down south, things will be better. 

The best part of the weekend was how good everyone was with the pets.  My nephew and his father's fears of large dogs were quickly put at ease by the dogs snuggling up next to them on the couch.  And because we so rarely have company, the excitement of having people in the house for a few days was enough to tire the dogs out and keep them mellow.  

But for me, the most important thing about this weekend is that my husband shared the same concerns that I had.  Before his family came we sat down and talked through everything and made sure that we were on the same page. It was nice knowing that if something did happen that my husband had my back.  There is nothing more uncomfortable than seeing a couple fight through their issues in front of you and I'm glad we didn't put anyone in that situation. 

I'm not going to go so far as to say the rest of my in-laws are welcome to visit (my husband and I agree that this sister and her family are probably the only relatives of his that we could have stay at the house).  But I can say that I will have less anxiety about it because of how well this weekend went.  

The Black Salon

As a Christmas present I was given a beauty package from a salon downtown.  Even though I only live 20 minutes from the city I don't frequent many of the businesses downtown outside of restaurants and theaters.  I was excited to check out a new salon and to go somewhere where everyone looked like me.  Generally before making an appointment at a salon I need to call and ask if they have anyone who knows how to do black hair.  When I looked at the salon's website and saw all black faces, I was happy not to make the call.  I also wear my hair natural and was looking forward to getting new tips on hair care from a black salon. 

The mani-pedi was pretty average.  I've had both better and worse.  I generally get spa pedicures which include exfoliating and massaging of the leg so a regular pedicure doesn't really compare.
I don't want to start any drama but in the dozens of pedicures that I have received over the years the American-run salons don't massage and exfoliate as aggressively as the Asian-run salons.  I don't know if the American salons are afraid they are going to hurt their clients but sometimes it feels like they aren't even touching me.  The experience at the Asian salons is much more fulfilling for me personally since I like more pressure during my massage.  The black salon was pretty much the same as the other American salons that I've been to in this category. 

The facial was bad. There is no way around it.  No steam.  No moisturizing.  Just my face getting washed over and over again and me laying on an uncomfortable table.  My face was dry and itchy when she was done.  Not relaxing at all.  I was just hoping it would be over soon. 

The massage was not great either.  Not a lot of pressure and no music or fragrances to help the client relax. Another uncomfortable table and me counting the minutes until it was over.  If you have hairy arms and you are a massage therapist you should wax them.  It is not relaxing having scratchy arms rub on your back. I felt like making an appointment at my regular salon for a facial and a massage before I left the parking lot.   

But by far the worst part of the experience was the hair.  I asked the stylist if she did natural hair and she said she did it all the time.  I told her what my regiment was and what products I used and that I was open to whatever style or products she recommended for my hair.  Even though I have been natural for 15 years I didn't really learn how to take care of my hair until 2.5 years ago when I discovered Ouidad.  So many more people are natural now than when I first went natural.  There are great products, resources and blogs now so the experience is much less scary than it used to be.  I don't go a day without seeing someone with natural hair and that is a wonderful thing.  

After washing my hair she started to blow dry it.  No conditioner or moisturizer.  No detangling.  I told her that I didn't wear my hair straight and maybe blow dried it once every couple years or so to see how long it was.  She then wet the section of my hair that she had started to dry and sent me on my way.  She didn't do my hair at all. Blow drying my hair straight and then styling it like you would style relaxed hair is not doing natural hair.  I was so disappointed that I had to go home and do my hair after all this time spent at the salon.  I was annoyed that I had to pull my hair into a bun in the parking lot so my hair wouldn't be too much of a mess when I got home.  

I don't want to make any broad generalizations about all black salons or stylists.  But for whatever reason I have yet to meet a black stylist who actually does black natural hair without trying to straighten it.  I have several relatives who are hair stylists and when I talk to them about co-washing and Ouidad they look at me like I'm speaking another language.  That's a problem.  I know there are people who wear their hair natural in the areas where my family lives but there seems to be no desire on their part to learn anything new or different to increase their skills and clientele.  I have had more good experiences than bad with white stylists doing my hair both relaxed and natural.  It would be nice to see more black stylists push themselves to learn how to do natural hair like some white stylists push themselves to learn how to do black hair.     

Couples Retreat

Last weekend my husband and I attended a couples retreat.  The event was advertised as a way to reconnect with your partner, in the wilderness, unplugged from electronics for 3 days.  Two therapists lead 15 couples and a handful of singles through various exercises and give them enough tools to function better as a couple and to communicate better to people in general. 

I will admit that I was a little concerned that it was going to be a little too new age, hippy, granola for our taste.  But one of the therapists wrote a self-help book that changed my life in college and I was really looking forward to meeting her in person.  My husband and I had discussed seeing a therapist or going to a retreat in the past but never got around to it.  When the author's Twitter feed showed she would be doing a retreat just a short drive away in New England we figured we'd give it a shot. 

So here's an example of our daily schedule: 

8-9 am breakfast provided by the retreat.  New age, hippy, granola food.  Gluten free entrees, nuts and berries, vegan cookies, soy sausage. Not bad but not my normal vacation breakfast gluttony. 

9-12 lecture time.  Power point presentation about common problems, the way men and women think, etc.  Hard to stay awake after so much soy sausage. 

12-2 pm lunch and free time.  More nuts and berries.  When we signed up for the retreat we were bullied into paying extra so that we could eat our meals and snacks there rather than drive around and look for a place to eat.  They said the meal plan was a necessity because there was very little free time and restaurants were far away.  We passed the standard slew of chain restaurants on our drive into the retreat.  I can't tell you how awful it feels to drive past a Friendly's, where you can get a delicious burger and fries and a hot fudge sundae for $12, because you've spent $300 for 3 days of rabbit food. 

2-6 pm afternoon lecture.  Very similar to the morning session.  The problem with having 2 experts is that they are constantly trying to one up each other.  Rather than compliment each other, they are trying to demonstrate that they are more knowledgeable than the other expert.  It was a little annoying during the morning session but it was unbearable in the afternoon.  The experts were so focused on competing with each other that they strayed from their outline frequently and failed to respond to questions clearly.  

6-8 pm dinner.  Generally the best meal of the day.  Beans and rice, enchiladas, soup and sandwiches.  Normal people food with a veggie twist. 

8-11 pm evening session.  This was the best part of the day.  This was where we learned breathing, stretching, visualization and trust exercises to better center ourselves and to connect with our partners.  It is amazing how 10 minutes of meditation and breathing can help you sort through all the clutter that's in your head.  There were many people who had emotional outbursts during this exercise.  It was a very powerful night. 

So you can imagine that after 3 days of this we were ready to go home but the reality is that our lives are forever changed because of it.  The way we communicate with each other and handle stress is 100% different.  As much as I would have liked to miss the daily lectures, the evening exercises more than made up for it.  Plus getting to know other couples who were facing challenges and looking to better their relationships made us feel like we were normal.  And on the flip side, seeing married singles there alone because their partners were not willing to come or couples who were struggling with much worse problems than ours made it clear that we have a great relationship and should not take it for granted. 

If you see a yoga/meditation/couples retreat advertised in your area, read the fine print, but in the end I think you will come away with much more than you end up giving up.  

Living in a Tunnel

This morning I received a ticket for running a red light.  The cop was literally behind me and I ran the light after the person in front of me ran the light.  

Last month after running a 5K a co-worker came up to me and told me he had waived and yelled to me during the race but I didn't notice him.  

I have walked right past people that I know at the gym and not even noticed them when they were right in front of me. 

I don't know when I started living my life in a tunnel but I don't think it's a good thing.  I think part of it is my anxiety.  In my head people are always looking at me or thinking bad things about me.  If I look at them then I might notice this judgement.  Over the years I have mastered the straight ahead stare.  This is how I walk,drive, run, live.  

I have injured myself multiple times because I was so focused on the goal that I was oblivious to what I was doing to achieve that goal:

Stitches in my forehead after bumping my head on bookshelf.  Focusing on getting back to my seat as fast as possible lest someone notice me.  Leaned over to throw something away and started to turn my head to walk back to my desk before I was done leaning over. 

Staph infection in my fingernail after my earring punctured the space under the nail.  Obsessing about my day and mindlessly getting dressed.  Stuck hand in jewelry box blindly while trying to multitask 20 other things and running through the possible stresses of  my day over and over again.  

Countless incidents where I have bumped my head, walked into inanimate objects, fallen, stubbed my toe, set things on fire, etc. 

There was a time when I was hyper observant.  When I started studying martial arts everyone who walked past me on campus was a potential rapist.  When I walked back to my car in the middle of the night I looked every stranger in the eye, all but daring them to attack me.  The number one thing that women are taught in self defense classes is to be aware.  To not be oblivious.  Now here I am, living in a tunnel. 

I don't know when my instincts to protect myself were overcome by my anxieties and fears.  Yet another thing that I need to work on. 

New Life Resolutions Revisited

Why is change so hard?  I've done Weight Watcher's and Nutri System, both with some success, but in the end abandoned both as not realistic in the long term.  Six weeks seems to be my limit for radical life change.  Supposedly after 6 weeks of anything your body adjusts to your new healthy lifestyle and things get easier.  Apparently my body didn't get that memo.  After 6 weeks all I want to do is go back to the comfortable habits I had before. 

As I creep back up to 200 lbs after successfully hitting a low of 186 recently, I am trying to give myself a come to Jesus moment.  Unfortunately, I have been here before.  I have an epiphany every week and swear I'm going to be better but it never seems to stick.  I'm not beating myself up.  I'm not throwing in the towel.  Per my New Year's Manifesto, I am determined to figure it out this year. 

Weight- I need to plan my meals like I did when I was on weight loss programs.  I am not good at making something healthy on the fly.  I need to fill my house with enough healthy options for a week so that it is as easy to stick to my guns as when I did Nutri System.  If I have to go so far as measuring and separating out my meals into containers that's what I'll do.  Diabetes, thyroid disease, high blood pressure, etc are all knocking on my door.  I have to get the weight off for good this time. 

Exercise- I have been very good with running but not much of anything else.  I will be a better runner if I make a effort to stretch and tone my body more.  Yoga and strength training are activities that I love but rarely make time for any more.  My joints are aching.  I am injury prone and stressed.  I need to do this before I get an injury that prevents me from exercising at all.  Then I would really be depressed. 

I also need to practice my choreography more.  There is nothing that makes me happier than teaching Zumba but I need to stop with the last minute prep for class.  I had not being polished and feeling like I'm being judged for sloppy choreo.  I am a great dancer.  I need to be a great teacher as well. 

Sleep- This one is kind of out of my control.  I have been an insomniac my whole life.  I do know that sticking to a regular routine helps me sleep better.  So I need to develop a sleep ritual an stick to it.  If I started feeling rested I would be less stressed and have more energy to get through my day. 

Work- I used to be awesome at my job.  Then I got comfortable and let everything slide.  I continue to get praise and raises despite barely putting in 10 hours most weeks.  It's starting to catch up to me and I see an epic fail in my future if I don't pull it together.  I don't think my job is in jeopardy but my pride and my reputation are.  I need to make it clear that I am valuable and capable of being just as productive as I once was. I want to be a superstar at work again and stop cruising. 

Pets- I have more animal books, articles, knowledge than any sane person should.  I can go into someone else's house and quickly diagnose what their doing wrong with their pets and help them develop a plan to fix it.  Why I can't put that knowledge to work in my own life is a mystery to me.  I would be some much happier if my pets were balanced and well behaved.  It's not going to happen overnight but the hard work would be well worth getting rid of the guilt, stress and shame that I feel now. 

Marriage- I am very lucky to be married to my best friend.  Unfortunately sometimes we are more like best buddies than husband and wife.  I really need to make an effort to be a better wife and partner and not just a good roommate.  We have a great marriage but if we don't fix the little problems they may become big problems down the road.  I can't imagine anything worse than losing my soul mate.  My husband and I have already made a commitment to focusing on our issues this year.  I feel like we're going to hit this one out of the park. 

At some point this year I'd like to be able to:

• Walk my dog in my neighborhood. 
• Sit on the couch with my dog and cat.
• Stop shopping at Lane Bryant for clothes. 
• Run a 10 minute mile. 
• Sit and do a crossword puzzle before work or Zumba because I'm prepared and don't have to rush and do anything at the last minute. 
• Wake up and fall asleep next to my husband. 
• Be proud of myself. 

The Black Hole That Swallows Road Race Pictures

Anyone who has every participated in a road race knows that there are dozens of photographers placed throughout the course.  At the major mile markers you are encouraged to pretend you're not in pain and smile for the cameras.  For runners like me who go into a bit of a trance when they run and are oblivious to other runners and people on the sideline this is especially important.  I have had too many sad/angry/pained looking faces memorialized forever in pictures.  

My husband on the other hand has hundreds of fantastic shots from races. He loves hamming it up for the camera and the camera definitely loves him.  He has even been known to upstage someone else's photo op because he started posing for his moment early and photobombed their shot.  Since I met my husband I have prided myself on paying attention to where the photographers are on the course and posing for pictures.

In the past, I would receive an e-mail encouraging me to check out my pictures on the race website and order my favorite shots.  Or a local running club or newspaper would post hundreds of pictures that anyone could download for free.  But lately I don't know where the pictures have gone.  There are still dozens of photographers along the course but I never see those pictures.  It's frustrating because I love creating scrapbooks of all of our races but without the photos there really isn't much to commemorate the day.  

I see people running with cameras and holding up the course taking pictures of themselves and their friends.  I don't want to be one of those people but it seems like I might have to if I want a memory from the day.  It would be different if I didn't see any photographers along the course but there seem to be more than ever now. My $20-100 registration fee per race should at least guarantee me access to photos of myself participating in the event.  I have e-mailed the local running club that sponsors the races and never received a response.  

Is this like the left socks that disappear into some black hole in the back of the dryer?  Is there some random cache of pictures of average runners just waiting to be discovered.  Should I stop and ask each photographer on the course where I can find their pictures after the race?  It may seem like a petty issue but when you get used to having pictures of yourself being an athlete, it's a disappointment to have those pictures taken away.  

Lessons from a Girl

I am an insecure person.  I have a lot of anxiety.  I create stress where there isn't any.  If I could learn to relax and not worry about what other people think, I wouldn't have to go the chiropractor once a week, I would sleep better and my general health would improve.  That being said, the more time I spend around women, the clearer it is that I am a rock star compared to them.

The honeymoon with Kellie, my running partner, is definitely over.  I am not writing her off by any means.  But, now that she has gotten comfortable with me, her occasional girly slips have become constant. The insecurity.  The mindless prattle.  The questions that should be hypothetical, about race day conditions, other runners, etc. that she expects me to provide an answer for.  The constant need for reassurance.  It's exhausting. 

The day before my weekly run with Kellie, I went to a potluck dinner with a group of women I met through meetup.  What was supposed to be a night of giggles and good food turned into a group therapy session with me as the therapist.  Two girly days in a row definitely put me more on edge and made me even less tolerant than I normally am (which is saying something).

Most of my unmarried friends are older than me.  At first I thought it was strange that there were so many women in their late 30's and early 40's that were single (and not by choice) but the more time I spend with them, the less shocking it is.  These women want to find "the one" and can't figure out why they keep getting duds.  But they are so insecure that they won't go to the gym until they lose weight, can't be seen in the food court eating alone, and so on.  The weak crap that they are putting out is only going to give them people who are going to live on that.  A jerk who is also insecure is dying to find a weak woman that he can put down when he's not feeling great.  Someone who won't leave him no matter what he does because they think they deserve it. 

No, I'm not the skinny chick who hangs out with a bunch of fat chicks to make herself feel better.  Well, I guess I sort of am, but I didn't go out looking for fat chicks.  Somehow I can go to a meetup and meet 30 people but the weakest 5 will become people that I hang out with regularly.  Maybe because the rest of them have a life already.  Who knows.  I have always had the ability to attract weakness to me.  Regardless, if their going to depend on me to reassure them and guide them through life then I'm going to use them to better myself.

No, I would never skip the gym or a run because of my fear of what people thought of me.  But I have moments where I worry that people are wondering how someone who looks like me can be a runner/fitness instructor.  In my head I know that I am accomplished at both and I need to remind myself of that and not let my insecurities get the best of me.

So every time they do something that is a 10 on the stupid weak girl scale and I want to shake some sense into them, I will remind myself that I have the same problem (at a 3 on the scale).  That as stupid and annoying as they are, I am equally as annoying to someone who is at a 1 on the scale.  I have to love and accept myself as much as I expect them to or risk having someone blog about my insecure ass!