8.5 years ago I adopted a skinny German shepherd dog from the Humane Society. He was about a year old, had been living on the streets and was very weak. But, despite having a difficult start to life, he had the greatest disposition and made friends every where we went. This week I said goodbye to him.
Chale has always had medical problems but I was always able to manage them so that he had a pretty normal life. Because of all of his medical problems and his large size (max 116 lbs) I knew that 10 years was probably his expected life span so it was not surprise when he started slowing down over the past few months.
I am happy to say that he didn't suffer. He started acting sick Saturday. By Tuesday he didn't want to eat at all and couldn't stand up or support his own weight. It was sudden but that made our decision much easier to make. If we had seen a glimmer of the silly, attention-loving boy during those last 2 days we might have considered surgery or some other aggressive treatment. But his spirit was gone. He was miserable.
In the past, when Chale was sick, he would still want to go for a swim in the pool and would never turn down a meal or a treat. When we put him in the pool the last time he drank water constantly and "paced" around the perimeter of the pool. No desire to fetch sticks or bark at his sister while she ran along the edge of the pool. Then no desire to eat his dinner despite only eating a couple bites from his breakfast and us putting all sorts of stinky goodies in this food. My husband and I looked at each other and knew it was time.
We carried him to the car on the comforter from his bed, fed him leftover bacon on the drive to the vet and then let him go. The only thing I can compare the pain to is the loss of my father 12 years ago. My father was sick my entire life so I had accepted that I was going to lose him years before it actually happened. But something happens when you get that call from the hospital or you look into your dog's eyes and realize that it's time. In that moment you feel all the love that you've shared with him during your time together combined with the pain of knowing there will be no new memories.
I know that we made the right decision for him. I know that it was his time. But I still feel guilty for making him share me with a new dog for the last two months of his life. I feel bad for thinking about what the new dog that we will adopt to be a companion for our other dog will be like. I feel bad for not missing the expense of acupuncture treatments, hydrotherapy, prescription and holistic medicine and all of the other expenses that kept Chale going.
The truth is, that managing Chale consumed me when he was at his worst and that there will be a big hole in both my daily schedule and my bank book where I had reserved so much space for him. The ease of getting up and just walking out the door with a young, healthy dog is something that I haven't known for a very long time. My days are easier than they have been in a long time and there is almost a sense of relief from the burden of Chale's needs being lifted from my shoulders. It is this guilt that fills my head at night keeps me from getting any sleep. Granted, I've been an insomniac for my whole life but I am currently experience a level of sleeplessness that I know is unhealthy.
I suspect that we will be a one dog household for no more than a month. Our 3 year old shepherd is nervous and needs the guidance of a confident dog in her life. She has made great strides during the 2.5 months that we have had her and I know that is because of the excellent example that Chale set for her during the short time that they spent together. Plus the joy of saving another animal's life and watching him/her blossom under your care is something that cannot be matched.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Gone too Soon
This past weekend, someone I used to train with committed suicide. I hadn't seen or talked to him for the past 6 years but a mutual friend found me on Facebook and gave me the news. It's hard to define how I feel right now. I have lost several friends and relatives but never by suicide.
Rick and I were never really friends but we did spend a lot of time together. We trained together in karate for 4 years but we were more acquaintances than anything else. I always found him arrogant and was intimidated by his bravado. He was one of those macho guys who seemed to take pleasure in causing other people pain and embarrassing them. I imagined he kissed his biceps every morning when he looked in the mirror.
Like a lot of people who study martial arts (myself included) I'm sure Rick was driven by something in his past. Physical or sexual abuse? Shyness? Fitness? Self Esteem? Trying to cope with anger/loss? Hyperactivity? These are all reasons that people I know have given for studying martial arts. The decision seems to always stem from a decision to take control of your life and cope with or escape from your past.
Rick was a very accomplished martial artist, achieving a black belt in three different styles and gaining some notoriety on the amatur mixed martial arts circuit. He married his high school sweetheart and had a good job. He seemed to have it all together but obviously he had demons that none of us knew about.
I am surprised by how much I am thinking about him and reminiscing about the time we spent together. I keep going to his wedding website and old karate pictures where he is smiling and happy. I analyze episodes from our past together for clues of his depression and honestly I can find several but that always happens in hind sight. I know I wouldn't have been someone that he confided in. I doubt he was secure enough to show that side to anyone. I wonder if years of putting on a front and acting like nothing bothered him was too much for him. I wish someone could have stopped this.
It's so strange that I want to reach out to his family. I'm sure he never mentioned me. I had never mentioned him to anyone outside of karate before this happened. I probably wouldn't have ever thought of him again if he were still alive. But there is something about losing someone in this way that makes you appreciate that person's life more. It erases all the negative thoughts that used to come to mind when I thought of him. All I can think about is Rick, a misunderstood 32 year old man who couldn't beat his demons and a brilliant life over way too soon.
Rick and I were never really friends but we did spend a lot of time together. We trained together in karate for 4 years but we were more acquaintances than anything else. I always found him arrogant and was intimidated by his bravado. He was one of those macho guys who seemed to take pleasure in causing other people pain and embarrassing them. I imagined he kissed his biceps every morning when he looked in the mirror.
Like a lot of people who study martial arts (myself included) I'm sure Rick was driven by something in his past. Physical or sexual abuse? Shyness? Fitness? Self Esteem? Trying to cope with anger/loss? Hyperactivity? These are all reasons that people I know have given for studying martial arts. The decision seems to always stem from a decision to take control of your life and cope with or escape from your past.
Rick was a very accomplished martial artist, achieving a black belt in three different styles and gaining some notoriety on the amatur mixed martial arts circuit. He married his high school sweetheart and had a good job. He seemed to have it all together but obviously he had demons that none of us knew about.
I am surprised by how much I am thinking about him and reminiscing about the time we spent together. I keep going to his wedding website and old karate pictures where he is smiling and happy. I analyze episodes from our past together for clues of his depression and honestly I can find several but that always happens in hind sight. I know I wouldn't have been someone that he confided in. I doubt he was secure enough to show that side to anyone. I wonder if years of putting on a front and acting like nothing bothered him was too much for him. I wish someone could have stopped this.
It's so strange that I want to reach out to his family. I'm sure he never mentioned me. I had never mentioned him to anyone outside of karate before this happened. I probably wouldn't have ever thought of him again if he were still alive. But there is something about losing someone in this way that makes you appreciate that person's life more. It erases all the negative thoughts that used to come to mind when I thought of him. All I can think about is Rick, a misunderstood 32 year old man who couldn't beat his demons and a brilliant life over way too soon.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Week Two on the Wagon
Had another pretty good week. It's not quite over yet but I'm confident that I'm going to get one more run and 15 more minutes of strength training in today to meet my workout goals for the week. This week I struggled with eating the right things. For the most part, I have been better about eating a variety foods and not loading up on the carbs every time I'm hungry. I always feel better when I eat better but that doesn't mean there weren't a couple of slip ups.
I have been craving Chinese food for weeks so I picked up take out on my way home from work Wednesday night. The best thing about Chinese take out is that there is always enough food for at least 3 meals because the portions are so large. Thursday afternoon I piled my plate high with leftover fried rice and sesame chicken for a late lunch before heading to the movies with my husband. I had a splitting headache shortly after I finished eating (that's always a bad sign). When we went to the movies we split a medium soda and pretzel bites. That's right, I added more carbs to my body when I was already feeling crappy. Needless to say, I was nodding off a few minutes into the movie; I probably slept through about 45 minutes of a 90 minute movie. My headache was still there after the movie and my neck was killing me from nodding off. On top of that there is the embarrassment from falling asleep during the movie and the wasted money on a movie ticket for a movie that I'll have to rent when it comes out on DVD.
You would think this incident would remind me of why I shouldn't eat like that but this has happened to me at least hundred times and I obviously still haven't learned my lesson. All I had to do was have half the portion of Chinese food and eat some veggies or fruit with my meal and I would have felt okay. But the food craving always leads to overeating rather than just satisfying my hunger. It doesn't make any sense because the less I eat each day, the longer the leftovers last. But my brain doesn't work that way. Sure enough this morning I put myself in a food coma and ended up taking a 2 hour nap. Granted, I rarely get enough sleep at night and a two hour nap is probably something that I needed but the food coma nap is not refreshing. You wake up feeling hung over and achy and rarely do you feel rested.
So my goal for this week is to think before I eat. It sounds simple but for me its a big deal. I need to remember how horrible I will feel if I eat an entire plate of pasta vs. saving half of it for my lunch the next day. I also have to accept that my husband doesn't have Insulin Resistance Syndrome and he can eat carbs until the cows come home without having any negative side effects. Just because we eat our meals together doesn't mean that I have to eat exactly as much as he does. He is 10 inches taller than me and 20 lbs heavier. Unless I want to look like him, I shouldn't eat like him.
I have been craving Chinese food for weeks so I picked up take out on my way home from work Wednesday night. The best thing about Chinese take out is that there is always enough food for at least 3 meals because the portions are so large. Thursday afternoon I piled my plate high with leftover fried rice and sesame chicken for a late lunch before heading to the movies with my husband. I had a splitting headache shortly after I finished eating (that's always a bad sign). When we went to the movies we split a medium soda and pretzel bites. That's right, I added more carbs to my body when I was already feeling crappy. Needless to say, I was nodding off a few minutes into the movie; I probably slept through about 45 minutes of a 90 minute movie. My headache was still there after the movie and my neck was killing me from nodding off. On top of that there is the embarrassment from falling asleep during the movie and the wasted money on a movie ticket for a movie that I'll have to rent when it comes out on DVD.
You would think this incident would remind me of why I shouldn't eat like that but this has happened to me at least hundred times and I obviously still haven't learned my lesson. All I had to do was have half the portion of Chinese food and eat some veggies or fruit with my meal and I would have felt okay. But the food craving always leads to overeating rather than just satisfying my hunger. It doesn't make any sense because the less I eat each day, the longer the leftovers last. But my brain doesn't work that way. Sure enough this morning I put myself in a food coma and ended up taking a 2 hour nap. Granted, I rarely get enough sleep at night and a two hour nap is probably something that I needed but the food coma nap is not refreshing. You wake up feeling hung over and achy and rarely do you feel rested.
So my goal for this week is to think before I eat. It sounds simple but for me its a big deal. I need to remember how horrible I will feel if I eat an entire plate of pasta vs. saving half of it for my lunch the next day. I also have to accept that my husband doesn't have Insulin Resistance Syndrome and he can eat carbs until the cows come home without having any negative side effects. Just because we eat our meals together doesn't mean that I have to eat exactly as much as he does. He is 10 inches taller than me and 20 lbs heavier. Unless I want to look like him, I shouldn't eat like him.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Taking Back My Life
I accomplished most of the goals I set for myself last week. I ran four times. Even when my ankle was bothering me I did a brisk walk rather than skip my workout. I did 45 minutes of strength training- 2 in the gym and one at home. I only did 30 minutes of the 90 minutes of yoga I wanted to do and I didn't do my "bonus" workout. Normally I would write off the entire week and eat half a pie for not achieving every one of my goals. But I'm trying to focus on the positive.
I had work meetings for three days last week which means three meals a day out to eat, long hours and very little me time. So the fact that I got any workouts in at all is impressive. I do need to focus on making better food choices and not eating such large portions. I definitely eat out of habit/boredom rather than to actually satisfy my hunger. I'm going to focus on thinking about what I'm eating before I stuff my face.
I also need to make sure my day includes me time so that I'm not running around like crazy taking care of pets, the house or my husband. They aren't going to die if don't have dinner on the table until 6:30 pm. Honestly, I think I'll be much better company if I have a chance to decrompress from my day of work before I dive into domestic diva mode.
So 1 week down, 6 more to go. Supposedly that's how long it takes to develop a habit. I'm not going to worry about my weight or my measurements during this time. I'm just going to try to meet the goals that I've set for myself and if the scale doesn't budge then I'll have to re-evaluate my goals at that time. But I won't beat myself up. I will be proud of myself because even if I'm still 40 lbs overweight I'll feel much healthier and love myself a lot more.
I had work meetings for three days last week which means three meals a day out to eat, long hours and very little me time. So the fact that I got any workouts in at all is impressive. I do need to focus on making better food choices and not eating such large portions. I definitely eat out of habit/boredom rather than to actually satisfy my hunger. I'm going to focus on thinking about what I'm eating before I stuff my face.
I also need to make sure my day includes me time so that I'm not running around like crazy taking care of pets, the house or my husband. They aren't going to die if don't have dinner on the table until 6:30 pm. Honestly, I think I'll be much better company if I have a chance to decrompress from my day of work before I dive into domestic diva mode.
So 1 week down, 6 more to go. Supposedly that's how long it takes to develop a habit. I'm not going to worry about my weight or my measurements during this time. I'm just going to try to meet the goals that I've set for myself and if the scale doesn't budge then I'll have to re-evaluate my goals at that time. But I won't beat myself up. I will be proud of myself because even if I'm still 40 lbs overweight I'll feel much healthier and love myself a lot more.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Insulin Resistance Syndrome
According to Web MD, insulin resistance is a condition in which the body produces insulin but does not use it properly. The body’s digestive system breaks food down into glucose, which then travels in the bloodstream to cells throughout the body. When people are insulin resistant, their muscle, fat, and liver cells do not respond properly to insulin. As a result, their bodies need more insulin to help glucose enter cells. Insulin resistance increases the chance of developing type 2 diabetes and heart disease.
So what does all this medical crap mean? It means that I fall asleep after eating a lot of carbs. Whether I'm standing up, at a movie or fully engaged in a conversation, my blood sugar spikes and then crashes dramatically. It means that I will develop type 2 diabetes and all the problems that come with it (like 80% of my extended family) if I don't make some serious lifestyle changes. It seems unfair that eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is enough to literally put me in a food coma. But it also seems stupid that I'm not willing to eat half of a sandwich and have a salad with it and I won't feel like crap.
The bottom line is that my weight has fluctuated between 198-210 lbs for the past couple years. I am 5'6" tall so that puts me in the obese category. I have gotten down to 193 lbs twice in this time but I have not been able to keep it off. I been a runner since grade school and I'm proud to say that I have kept that up despite gaining weight. But my joints are suffering from the excess weight, not to mention my finishing times.
What I need to do is get down to 185 lbs to be healthier. Ideally, I could get down to 165-175 lbs but I'm just setting small goals for now. I also need to get my waist down to 35 inches or less (I hover around 40-41" right now) and my waist to hip ratio to 0.7 or less (it's 0.87 right now). I'm sick of being embarrassed about my weight and having to buy new clothes every year. They say that after 6 weeks on an exercise/diet regiment, your body will embrace the new program and it will become a habit. It also takes this long for your metabolism to start working again if you've destroyed yours, like I have, through bad lifestyle choices.
So I start again tomorrow. For the umpteenth time, I am trying to get a handle on my life. My goal for this week is to run 4 times, do 45 minutes of strength training, 90 minutes of yoga or pilates and one wild card workout. This may seem like a lot but in my prime I was working out 2+ hours a day during the week and 3-4 hours a day on the weekend. I also have a flex time schedule which means that I might spend 10 hours a week in a office and the rest of the time on my own so this should be difficult.
Maybe I can get my husband on board this time too. But the bottom line is that I have to do this for me, regardless of what he's doing.
So what does all this medical crap mean? It means that I fall asleep after eating a lot of carbs. Whether I'm standing up, at a movie or fully engaged in a conversation, my blood sugar spikes and then crashes dramatically. It means that I will develop type 2 diabetes and all the problems that come with it (like 80% of my extended family) if I don't make some serious lifestyle changes. It seems unfair that eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is enough to literally put me in a food coma. But it also seems stupid that I'm not willing to eat half of a sandwich and have a salad with it and I won't feel like crap.
The bottom line is that my weight has fluctuated between 198-210 lbs for the past couple years. I am 5'6" tall so that puts me in the obese category. I have gotten down to 193 lbs twice in this time but I have not been able to keep it off. I been a runner since grade school and I'm proud to say that I have kept that up despite gaining weight. But my joints are suffering from the excess weight, not to mention my finishing times.
What I need to do is get down to 185 lbs to be healthier. Ideally, I could get down to 165-175 lbs but I'm just setting small goals for now. I also need to get my waist down to 35 inches or less (I hover around 40-41" right now) and my waist to hip ratio to 0.7 or less (it's 0.87 right now). I'm sick of being embarrassed about my weight and having to buy new clothes every year. They say that after 6 weeks on an exercise/diet regiment, your body will embrace the new program and it will become a habit. It also takes this long for your metabolism to start working again if you've destroyed yours, like I have, through bad lifestyle choices.
So I start again tomorrow. For the umpteenth time, I am trying to get a handle on my life. My goal for this week is to run 4 times, do 45 minutes of strength training, 90 minutes of yoga or pilates and one wild card workout. This may seem like a lot but in my prime I was working out 2+ hours a day during the week and 3-4 hours a day on the weekend. I also have a flex time schedule which means that I might spend 10 hours a week in a office and the rest of the time on my own so this should be difficult.
Maybe I can get my husband on board this time too. But the bottom line is that I have to do this for me, regardless of what he's doing.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Someone Notice me Please
So I had a bit of a breakdown the other day. I started crying for no reason while explaining to my husband why I was in such a crappy mood. After hours of talking through things with the prodding of my husband's best Dr. Phil impression we got to the heart of things: I am still very much stuck in a rut. It's been 5 years in Syracuse now and I still haven't found my niche. I don't have a core group of friends, I don't have much of a social life and my flexible work schedule leaves me with hours of screw around time.
I am vain, I know this. I have always been vain. I have lived by the attention that I have gotten (good or bad) in the past. I have been very active in local meetups for the past year hoping to meet new people. If you haven't tried it, Meetup.com is a great resource if you're new to a place and looking to get a life. There are tons of clubs for every interest that you can imagine. I had hoped that through these clubs I would form friendships with people and start doing things with them outside of the meetups but that hasn't happened. The once a month meetups have provided me with a tease of what a regular social life could be. I wear cute clothes, fix my hair, put on makeup and just carry myself different when I go to these events. On a daily basis it's hard for me to get motivated to do much of anything.
Why get dressed up for work when I'm not going to have to talk to another human being in person for more than 5 minutes? Who cares what my hair looks like or if I'm wearing flip flops and dirty jeans? The lack of personal grooming is definitely a reflection of how I feel on the inside. I just don't care and it's getting harder to get myself prepared for those events when I am going to interact with people because of how different it is from my daily routine. No one here cares that I've gained 35 pounds since I moved here (they probably haven't noticed) but when I see my family and friends once or twice a year it's the first thing that they bring up. So I feel like crap for the week that I see them but then when I get back home it's hard to maintain a regular workout schedule because no one here is going to notice.
My husband thinks that I need to take a certain personal pride in my appearance. I should workout and dress up because it makes me feel good and not because someone else might notice. He's absolutely right, I should, but that's not how I'm built. I am an attention whore and I've been starving for it since I moved here. The solutions: 1. Keep putting myself out there and hope that eventually friendships will form; 2. Do more social events with my husband that get us out of our hermit routine; 3. Join a group that meets more than once a month and take on a role in that group where people are dependent on me and I have to show up, like a job, or I will let people down.
Some ideas based on previous activities and interests:
I am vain, I know this. I have always been vain. I have lived by the attention that I have gotten (good or bad) in the past. I have been very active in local meetups for the past year hoping to meet new people. If you haven't tried it, Meetup.com is a great resource if you're new to a place and looking to get a life. There are tons of clubs for every interest that you can imagine. I had hoped that through these clubs I would form friendships with people and start doing things with them outside of the meetups but that hasn't happened. The once a month meetups have provided me with a tease of what a regular social life could be. I wear cute clothes, fix my hair, put on makeup and just carry myself different when I go to these events. On a daily basis it's hard for me to get motivated to do much of anything.
Why get dressed up for work when I'm not going to have to talk to another human being in person for more than 5 minutes? Who cares what my hair looks like or if I'm wearing flip flops and dirty jeans? The lack of personal grooming is definitely a reflection of how I feel on the inside. I just don't care and it's getting harder to get myself prepared for those events when I am going to interact with people because of how different it is from my daily routine. No one here cares that I've gained 35 pounds since I moved here (they probably haven't noticed) but when I see my family and friends once or twice a year it's the first thing that they bring up. So I feel like crap for the week that I see them but then when I get back home it's hard to maintain a regular workout schedule because no one here is going to notice.
My husband thinks that I need to take a certain personal pride in my appearance. I should workout and dress up because it makes me feel good and not because someone else might notice. He's absolutely right, I should, but that's not how I'm built. I am an attention whore and I've been starving for it since I moved here. The solutions: 1. Keep putting myself out there and hope that eventually friendships will form; 2. Do more social events with my husband that get us out of our hermit routine; 3. Join a group that meets more than once a month and take on a role in that group where people are dependent on me and I have to show up, like a job, or I will let people down.
Some ideas based on previous activities and interests:
- volunteer work with kids, animals, the environment or the less fortunate
- get certified to teach a fitness class and/or go back to martial arts
- join a music group
- start a second career that gives me the social interaction that I'm missing from my current job but that I can do on my own schedule
I spent the better part of my Sunday researching different activities and think I have a plan in place to get moving on two of these this summer. In the meantime, I'm going to have to self-motivate because its good for me and I can't continue to walk around feeling sorry for myself. Because I have to believe that even though its lasted for 5 years, this phase in my life is temporary.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Remembering Our Wedding Day
My husband and I have four weddings to attend this year. As our two year wedding anniversary approaches, we have been reminiscing about our wedding day. It truly was the best day of my life. The days leading up to the wedding, the two week honeymoon, everything was almost perfect.
My husband and I had planned plenty of activities for the days before the wedding. That gave us the opportunity to spend time with our friends and family without having them sitting in our living room for 4 days. Everyone got along. The weather cooperated. Everything really was fabulous. But there were some hiccups...
My husband and I were hoping that each of our families would contribute to the wedding budget. We expected to spend about $15,000 and were hoping to get about $5,000 of that from my mom and his aunt and uncle. She had talked about contributing to the budget 18 months before the wedding when we got engaged but my mother has never been a saver and since my father died she has never been able to manage her money well. My mother was completely strapped financially and was living paycheck to paycheck by the time the wedding around. It was all she could do to scrape up enough money for the hotel, dress and 4 days of spending money. She paid for her and I to get our hair done as her wedding gift to us.
My husband's aunt and uncle are very comfortable financially and have bailed out all of my husband's siblings at various times throughout their lives. They never had to bail my husband out and he never asked for anything so we thought a check was probably coming our way. A couple months before the wedding we realized that no money was coming and that our $15,000 wedding was actually going to be a little over $18,000. So we took out a personal loan with a really high interest rate and maxed out our credit cards. We ended up getting about $2,500 in cash from wedding gifts (most of that coming from my husband's aunt and uncle) and were able to pay down our debt. We just paid off the personal loan this week and don't regret anything.
The violinist we hired to play for the ceremony was a diva who complained about how cold it was on our wedding day and how that was bad for his strings and his fingers. We live in upstate New York, we got married in the fall, you are a member of a symphony orchestra who has concerts outside through Thanksgiving. Shut up!!! But he played beautifully and everyone complimented us on the amazing atmosphere that it provided for our outdoor ceremony.
The hair salon where my mother and I were getting our hair done forgot about our appointments. We spent 30 minutes sitting in the parking lot waiting for the owner to arrive and then spent the better part of the next 4 hours listening to people gossip and handle their personal business. Our hair styles took about an hour but the styling time was split over the 4 hours that we were there. They didn't take credit cards so I had to walk to a sketchy convenience store around the corner to withdrawal money from an ATM machine that charged $3 for each of the 2 transactions that I made because they limited the amount of money that you could take out a time to $50. Why is it that all the best black hair salons are in the ghetto and that the stylists act like extras in a Tyler Perry movie that are doing you a favor rather than professionals? We missed our manicure/pedicure appointments with the rest of the bridal party (who were all white or Hispanic and had their hair done at a nice salon). Luckily the hair salon had nail polish remover and a nail file so we were at least able to make our nails look presentable. We rushed from the salon and went through a McDonald's drive through on our way to the ceremony. The look on the ladies face as I paid, full bridal up-do and veil in place, was priceless.
The bakery misunderstood our instructions and our cake looked like it was for a kids birthday party and not a wedding. At least they got the flavors right. I picked the cakes up on my way to McDonald's so obviously there was no time to argue. Once again, another great look from a cashier as I paid and then rushed out the door with my veil blowing in the wind.
Our wedding planner didn't set up the room that I had picked for the bridal party to get dressed in so we all crammed into a public restroom at the state park where the ceremony was. The wedding planner did an awesome job saving us money and setting things up for us. But the hours of A Wedding Story and Whose Wedding is it Anyway? had told me that my wedding planner was going to be my best friend, my right hand man, my go-to-gal and she definitely wasn't any of those. She was actually kind of cold and not overly helpful with anything that we didn't ask her to do directly.
For example, all she would have had to do was tape paper on the windows at the park lodge and my bridal party would have had a nice space to get dressed in and store our belongings but when one of my bridesmaid's asked her about this she indicated that I was going to do that when I got there. Right, after rushing from the salon and picking up the cake I was going to buy a roll of paper and tape it up. Like I said, she did her job, but she didn't overextend herself. If you've watched any of these wedding shows you see the wedding planners adding little touches to the wedding from their personal arsenal of bridal accessories and going out of their way to make sure everything is taken care of so the bride and the groom don't have anything to worry about except for getting married. My husband and I paid everyone, planned and booked all the activities outside of the wedding, bought all of the decorations and put together the favors ourselves. We couldn't have gotten married without our planner but she could have definitely taken more of the responsibility on herself to earn the 10% of our budget that she charged.
I forgot the marriage license so a friend had to go back to my house to pick it up. It only delayed the ceremony for about 30 minutes but I felt like such a jerk since I pride myself on being super organized and always on time.
Then there are always the family things: having the rehearsal dinner at our house stressed out me and the pets and cost more money than a sit down dinner at restaurant would have cost, my mother's family had never seen the house before so they invited themselves over the afternoon before the rehearsal dinner and lead to us spending additional $ on a family meal from KFC to feed them all, the bridal party hung out at my house for 4 hours on the day before the wedding instead of leaving after breakfast while the men went out to play golf- we watched TV and stared at the walls while I should have been going to the florist and the caterer and making final arrangements for the wedding, my husband ended up handling these errands while I prepared the house for the rehearsal dinner.
Looking back on things now, I should have spoke up and told my family they couldn't come to the house the day before the wedding and asked the bridesmaids to leave the house because I had errands to run. But really, these things aggravated me for a a very short amount of time. I was floating on air for much of that month and loved every minute of it. Our wedding is often talked about as the best wedding any one's every been to and I love that. My husband and I have discussed renewing our vows or having a big anniversary party every 10 years because a party that good shouldn't only happen once in a life time.
My husband and I had planned plenty of activities for the days before the wedding. That gave us the opportunity to spend time with our friends and family without having them sitting in our living room for 4 days. Everyone got along. The weather cooperated. Everything really was fabulous. But there were some hiccups...
My husband and I were hoping that each of our families would contribute to the wedding budget. We expected to spend about $15,000 and were hoping to get about $5,000 of that from my mom and his aunt and uncle. She had talked about contributing to the budget 18 months before the wedding when we got engaged but my mother has never been a saver and since my father died she has never been able to manage her money well. My mother was completely strapped financially and was living paycheck to paycheck by the time the wedding around. It was all she could do to scrape up enough money for the hotel, dress and 4 days of spending money. She paid for her and I to get our hair done as her wedding gift to us.
My husband's aunt and uncle are very comfortable financially and have bailed out all of my husband's siblings at various times throughout their lives. They never had to bail my husband out and he never asked for anything so we thought a check was probably coming our way. A couple months before the wedding we realized that no money was coming and that our $15,000 wedding was actually going to be a little over $18,000. So we took out a personal loan with a really high interest rate and maxed out our credit cards. We ended up getting about $2,500 in cash from wedding gifts (most of that coming from my husband's aunt and uncle) and were able to pay down our debt. We just paid off the personal loan this week and don't regret anything.
The violinist we hired to play for the ceremony was a diva who complained about how cold it was on our wedding day and how that was bad for his strings and his fingers. We live in upstate New York, we got married in the fall, you are a member of a symphony orchestra who has concerts outside through Thanksgiving. Shut up!!! But he played beautifully and everyone complimented us on the amazing atmosphere that it provided for our outdoor ceremony.
The hair salon where my mother and I were getting our hair done forgot about our appointments. We spent 30 minutes sitting in the parking lot waiting for the owner to arrive and then spent the better part of the next 4 hours listening to people gossip and handle their personal business. Our hair styles took about an hour but the styling time was split over the 4 hours that we were there. They didn't take credit cards so I had to walk to a sketchy convenience store around the corner to withdrawal money from an ATM machine that charged $3 for each of the 2 transactions that I made because they limited the amount of money that you could take out a time to $50. Why is it that all the best black hair salons are in the ghetto and that the stylists act like extras in a Tyler Perry movie that are doing you a favor rather than professionals? We missed our manicure/pedicure appointments with the rest of the bridal party (who were all white or Hispanic and had their hair done at a nice salon). Luckily the hair salon had nail polish remover and a nail file so we were at least able to make our nails look presentable. We rushed from the salon and went through a McDonald's drive through on our way to the ceremony. The look on the ladies face as I paid, full bridal up-do and veil in place, was priceless.
The bakery misunderstood our instructions and our cake looked like it was for a kids birthday party and not a wedding. At least they got the flavors right. I picked the cakes up on my way to McDonald's so obviously there was no time to argue. Once again, another great look from a cashier as I paid and then rushed out the door with my veil blowing in the wind.
Our wedding planner didn't set up the room that I had picked for the bridal party to get dressed in so we all crammed into a public restroom at the state park where the ceremony was. The wedding planner did an awesome job saving us money and setting things up for us. But the hours of A Wedding Story and Whose Wedding is it Anyway? had told me that my wedding planner was going to be my best friend, my right hand man, my go-to-gal and she definitely wasn't any of those. She was actually kind of cold and not overly helpful with anything that we didn't ask her to do directly.
For example, all she would have had to do was tape paper on the windows at the park lodge and my bridal party would have had a nice space to get dressed in and store our belongings but when one of my bridesmaid's asked her about this she indicated that I was going to do that when I got there. Right, after rushing from the salon and picking up the cake I was going to buy a roll of paper and tape it up. Like I said, she did her job, but she didn't overextend herself. If you've watched any of these wedding shows you see the wedding planners adding little touches to the wedding from their personal arsenal of bridal accessories and going out of their way to make sure everything is taken care of so the bride and the groom don't have anything to worry about except for getting married. My husband and I paid everyone, planned and booked all the activities outside of the wedding, bought all of the decorations and put together the favors ourselves. We couldn't have gotten married without our planner but she could have definitely taken more of the responsibility on herself to earn the 10% of our budget that she charged.
I forgot the marriage license so a friend had to go back to my house to pick it up. It only delayed the ceremony for about 30 minutes but I felt like such a jerk since I pride myself on being super organized and always on time.
Then there are always the family things: having the rehearsal dinner at our house stressed out me and the pets and cost more money than a sit down dinner at restaurant would have cost, my mother's family had never seen the house before so they invited themselves over the afternoon before the rehearsal dinner and lead to us spending additional $ on a family meal from KFC to feed them all, the bridal party hung out at my house for 4 hours on the day before the wedding instead of leaving after breakfast while the men went out to play golf- we watched TV and stared at the walls while I should have been going to the florist and the caterer and making final arrangements for the wedding, my husband ended up handling these errands while I prepared the house for the rehearsal dinner.
Looking back on things now, I should have spoke up and told my family they couldn't come to the house the day before the wedding and asked the bridesmaids to leave the house because I had errands to run. But really, these things aggravated me for a a very short amount of time. I was floating on air for much of that month and loved every minute of it. Our wedding is often talked about as the best wedding any one's every been to and I love that. My husband and I have discussed renewing our vows or having a big anniversary party every 10 years because a party that good shouldn't only happen once in a life time.
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