The Lies I Tell

I exercise a lot.  On a busy week I will run 3 times, teach 6 hours of Zumba and 2 hours of water aerobics.  At least once a week one of my students says something like: "I'm surprised you're not skinny". Then I say something like: "I have a very slow metabolism" or "I eat whatever I want so I'll never be skinny but I've accepted that" or "Most of my relatives are diabetic and very obese".  I give the impression that I'm happy with my body and like being the fit fat girl.  But that's a lie.

A few years ago I went to see a doctor because I was sure she would tell me that I had a thyroid problem.  How else could I exercise so much and not lose any weight?  Well nothing was wrong with my thyroid.  A food journal showed that I was replacing every single calorie that I burned.  I was hoping there would be something wrong with me that could be solved with a pill or a procedure.  That I would magically go back down to my happy weight of 165-175 lbs without changing my life. 

For the past 6 years or so my weight has been steady at 193-198 lbs.  I had a brief rough patch where I ballooned to 212 lbs and an equally brief healthy patch where I got down to 185 lbs.  It is clear that if I want to lose weight, I'm going to have to make some changes.  For the past few weeks I have been keeping a food and exercise journal to try and better balance the calories burned vs. consumed.  There have been a couple days when I have been on track but most days, I'm way over. 

I don't know how to change my relationship with food.  I don't know how to tell my body that it's really not hungry.  I don't know how to change the way I've been eating for the past 37 years.  But I do know that my joints are becoming less forgiving as I get older.  With every half marathon or Zumbathon that I participate in I end up with a minor injury that hangs around for a while.  I am not recovering from these workouts like I used to.

It was recently recommended to me that I add strength training and biking to my workouts.  These are both activities that I participate in irregularly but that don't give me the same high as a good cardio workout.  I have been told that having more muscle tone will help me burn fat better.  That my body is so used to all the cardio that I do that I'm going to continue to maintain unless I mix it up.  That biking will improve my endurance without putting the stress that Zumba and running do on my joints.  

In the past few weeks I have met three people who have lost a significant amount of weight doing Zumba.  I have to admit that every time one of my fellow fit fatties looses weight that I get a little jealous.  It's getting to the point where I'm the only one.  My fellow instructors are always telling me how great I look and how awesome my energy is but that's not important.  If I actually liked myself at this weight and was happy with it that would be okay.  But I don't like myself.  I don't feel good physically or emotionally.  I don't want to be jealous of people who have more will power than I do.  I want to look like a fitness instructor.  I want the running store associates to stop assuming that I'm a walker when I come in to buy new shoes.  I don't want to have to tape my ankles and wear knee braces when I go on long runs because I'm not sure if my joints will hold up.  I don't want to settle for being less fat than my relatives.  

I have done Weight Watchers and NutriSystem.  I have followed diets from magazines, TV shows and websites.  All for short periods of time, all with varying amounts of success.  The bottom line is that I don't need a diet, I need a complete lifestyle overhaul.  And I don't know how to get there.  

No Headphones Allowed

I am really frustrated with the new trend of road races forbidding participants to wear headphones during the race.  Whether or not your run with headphones on doesn't affect how elite or serious a runner you are.  Enough with all these so called running purists talking about how they connect better with their body and spirituality when they can just hear the sound of their breath and their feet hitting the ground.  If that's how you feel, good for you.  When I don't wear headphones all I can hear is the soccer moms behind me talking about their ungrateful husbands.  To each his own. 

I have been running road races for 21 years.  I didn't start running with headphones until 7 years ago when my husband and I started dating.  He always ran with his Ipod and recommended that I give it a try.  I haven't looked back since unless I'm forced too.  When I have my headphones on I can only hear myself breathing and the music.  I get muffled bits of conversation from the runners around me but not enough to distract me.  Hearing the songs that I love makes it easier for me to tune out everyone else, and tune in to what's going on with my body.  In those rough moments when I just want to quit, a great booty shaking song can keep me running for 3 more minutes.  I run faster, more relaxed and happier when I have music.  

I've heard other people say they like wearing headphones because it prevents strangers from talking to them during the race.  A lot of people listen to coaching and motivational messages or e-books while they run.  I'm sure there are some people who have their music up so loud that they couldn't hear a bus if it was 5 feet away from them but I think those people are the exception.  I always look when I'm crossing intersections, even when the streets are blocked off, because as a runner it's just become a habit.  In my 21 years of running road races I have only heard of 1 participant being hit by a car.  In that situation, a person drove through the barricade and ignored the police officer directing traffic.  Maybe the driver of the car had headphones on.   

I think there are 2 things that contribute to this trend.  1st, we are a lawsuit happy society.  When someone can sue McDonald's for making their hot coffee too hot then someone can just as easily sue a race director for expecting them to be aware of their surroundings. I ran a race last month that banned headphones.  This race was through a very rural section of upstate New York.  I went several miles without seeing another runner, let alone any significant road traffic.  I had an awful time running this race because not only was I by myself but it was eerily quiet.  I ran my worst half marathon ever.  I will never run this race again.  

The 2nd reason is that race directors think it makes their race appeal to more elite runners if they ban headphones.  This goes hand and hand with the new trend of setting ridiculous time cut offs for races that previously didn't have them.  The Mountain Goat Run is a Syracuse institution.  I have been running this race since I moved to Syracuse.  It's a 10 mile hilly course through downtown Syracuse.  Hundreds, and now thousands of runners participate every year.  Elite runners come from all over to compete for medals.  But 98% of the people are there for the challenge of the course, the support of the locals and the beautiful scenery.  Well this year they have established a time cutoff and headphones are forbidden. 

The time cut off is 2 hours and 10 minutes.  That's a 13 minute mile pace.  Most days I average a 12 minute pace and I end up in the bottom half of the middle of the pack.  There are always lots of runners behind me.  13 minutes per mile is running.  Hell 17 minutes per mile is running for a lot of people.  Run/walkers and walkers don't even bother signing up.  The message is clear: average runners aren't welcome.  Thanks for supporting this race for the past 30 plus years but we don't really want you around any more.  

They claim that they have problems managing too many people on the road once Sunday traffic starts.  The race has grown from less than 1000 participants in 2003 to a projected 3500 for this year's race.  During this time the start time has been moved to later in the day.  The last time I participated, a number of runners suffered from heat exhaustion and other heat related illnesses because an hour into the race the sun was at peak the temperature had reached well over 80 degrees.  If they really cared about the runners they would start the race early in the morning like most distance runs.  An early start would encourage more out of town runners to come in the night before and benefit the local economy.  If they limited the number of participants, they could better ensure their ability to protect the safety of the runners.

In 2003, 870 runners finished the race.  Only 1 runner finished above 13 minute mile pace.  In 2009, 1918 runners finished with 13 runners over 13 minute pace.  Last year 2,525 runners finished with 54 runners over 13 minute pace.  I think the popularity of the race has encouraged more people to participate.  More elite runners are coming out along with more average runners and everyone in between.  With a bigger race, you would expect to have a bigger range of participants.  

 

The increase in registration fees over the years seems to contradict the increase in the number of participants and additional constraints placed on runners.  The post-race has been lacking over the past few years as well so it seems like this is a sinking ship.  I have a feeling this will be my last Mountain Goat.  I love running but I refuse to support races that don't provide me with a happy and supportive running environment.  

Homosexuality and Sports

Jason Collins is gay.  No matter what talk radio station I turn to, that is all people are talking about.  Collins is the first male American professional athlete in one of the major sports to come out while he is still an active player.  All of those adjectives are key in the description.  Tennis, swimming, figure skating and golf are all sports with male professional athletes but if one of their players came out it would be reported on the back page of the sports section.  It would be a non-story after 24 hours.  Athletes coming out after retirement from one of the big 4 (football, basketball, baseball and hockey) is nothing new.  Female athletes coming out while they are still playing?  It's been happening for years and it rarely gets a reaction. So my excitement over his coming out has been squashed by all the ignorant comments that I've heard for the past 2 days. 

The two most common arguments:

Gay people should have separate locker rooms.  If I were playing sports and one of my teammates were gay I wouldn't feel comfortable changing next to him. 

So apparently gay men are all sex fiends.  They can't stand near someone of the sex they are attracted to without wanting to have sex with him.  And of course all people of the sex they are attracted to are attractive to them.  I have never been a man but I have changed and/or gone to the bathroom in front of plenty of men and gay women over the years and, in doing so, been partially or completely undressed in front of them.  At no point did I have to fight someone off because they were so overcome by the sight of my partially naked body that they had to jump on me.  

To play the other side of this argument.  What if someone was attracted to you?  Does that mean they would act on it?  Do people typically physically assault every person they have a crush on?  More often than not, you hide your feelings from the person you are lusting after and go out of your way to seem like you are not attracted to them.  I have had men and women grab my ass or make inappropriate comments to me while I was walking down the street or into a bar.  I wouldn't advocate for all people who may be attracted to me to be banned from public places because they incidents are the exception and not the rule.  I have been well over 100 situations where something like this could have occurred; I can count all the incidents on one hand. 

There is nothing courageous about what he did.  It's not like he's a superstar.  If Kobe Bryant came out that would be brave.  That would be a story.  

Your accountant coming out is not a big deal to the general public. For the most part, kids aren't watching your accountant on TV.  Your accountant doesn't regularly bump elbows with some of the richest, famous and most talented people on the planet. Your accountant would still be brave if he came out within his co-workers and circle of friends but it wouldn't be national news. 

A 12 year old boy who knows he is gay but is afraid to come out because he doesn't want someone to call him a sissy may not have known who Jason Collins was yesterday but today he is his biggest fan.  Because he sees someone who shares his sexuality but doesn't act like the over the top, gay stereotype that is so often portrayed on American television (think the New Normal, Glee, Rupaul, etc). He sees another option.  He sees that he can be gay and still be masculine and not the but of a joke.  And he sees those guys that are superstars playing next to this guy and not blinking an eye.   

Collins pointed this out in one of his interviews.  He made a point to mention that he is not an effeminate gay man.  Many gay listeners called in and criticized him for this.  These people need to face the fact that people who's inner circle doesn't include gay people think of all gay men as the overly effeminate lisping stereotype and all gay women as  the manly, unattractive man-hating stereotype.  It is important for people to realize that gay people come in all shapes, sizes, colors and personalities just like the rest of us. Yes, sometimes you can look at a person and guess that they are gay.  But a lot of the time you can't.  And there are a lot of effeminate straight men out there screwing with this stereotype.  

I am black and my husband is white.  There are a lot of people who don't approve of our relationship.  Many of these people are very vocal about their disapproval of our relationship.  30 years ago there were laws that supported people's rights to discriminate against us and, in some cases, arrest us for being married.  Unfortunately there are still many people who feel this way.  There are still towns with segregated proms and neighborhoods.  But they are the exception, not the rule. 

I hope that we are saying the same things about gay rights a few years from now.  That when a so called religious person compares homosexuality to bestiality, pedophilia and polygamy people look at those people as crazy.  That those people no longer get to be part of the mainstream.  That their hate is limited to the cult that they represent.    That those people are on the fringe with the rest of the bigots and the rest of us are allowed to live our lives with the same rights and freedoms as every other American citizen.  

Family

My sister-in-law and her family just left. She and her husband and their two kids have stayed with us for the past few days.  Prior to their visit I was terrified about how the weekend would go.  My sister-in-law and her family live in a very conservative, very white, southern town where everyone sees each other on church on Sunday and knows each other's business.  The last time we went to their house (4 years ago) it was very uncomfortable.  The kids seemed to be embarrassed to be seen with me (I'm black and my husband is white) in public.  Her husband grew up in this town and occasionally made border-line racist comments.  Not to mention all the good ole boy jokes about shooting and killing animals.  

The younger of the 2 children was 10 years old the last time we saw him.  He was very whiny and needed constant attention.  He wanted my husband's undivided attention and viewed me as an intrusion into his relationship with his uncle.  He was clearly showing signs of growing up to be a good ole boy just like his daddy and that worried me.  Thanks to Facebook we are able to keep up on the kids lives and interests.  The pictures of various things that he killed, the racist anti-Obama jokes and various other comments from ignorant friends on his page Facebook page only increased my fears of having him in my house with my pets for a few days.  

I am happy to say that my worries were a huge overreaction.  I should have given my nephew more credit.  A 14 year old boy is much different from a 10 year old boy.  Whatever his political/social views are they didn't come up during the weekend (I'm not sure why I thought they would).  When we went out to the mall and the skating rink he didn't treat me any different and actually hung out with me more than with my husband at times.  I'm sure that fact that he was far away from home and in a very diverse place helped but I'd like to think that the next time we head down south, things will be better. 

The best part of the weekend was how good everyone was with the pets.  My nephew and his father's fears of large dogs were quickly put at ease by the dogs snuggling up next to them on the couch.  And because we so rarely have company, the excitement of having people in the house for a few days was enough to tire the dogs out and keep them mellow.  

But for me, the most important thing about this weekend is that my husband shared the same concerns that I had.  Before his family came we sat down and talked through everything and made sure that we were on the same page. It was nice knowing that if something did happen that my husband had my back.  There is nothing more uncomfortable than seeing a couple fight through their issues in front of you and I'm glad we didn't put anyone in that situation. 

I'm not going to go so far as to say the rest of my in-laws are welcome to visit (my husband and I agree that this sister and her family are probably the only relatives of his that we could have stay at the house).  But I can say that I will have less anxiety about it because of how well this weekend went.  

The Black Salon

As a Christmas present I was given a beauty package from a salon downtown.  Even though I only live 20 minutes from the city I don't frequent many of the businesses downtown outside of restaurants and theaters.  I was excited to check out a new salon and to go somewhere where everyone looked like me.  Generally before making an appointment at a salon I need to call and ask if they have anyone who knows how to do black hair.  When I looked at the salon's website and saw all black faces, I was happy not to make the call.  I also wear my hair natural and was looking forward to getting new tips on hair care from a black salon. 

The mani-pedi was pretty average.  I've had both better and worse.  I generally get spa pedicures which include exfoliating and massaging of the leg so a regular pedicure doesn't really compare.
I don't want to start any drama but in the dozens of pedicures that I have received over the years the American-run salons don't massage and exfoliate as aggressively as the Asian-run salons.  I don't know if the American salons are afraid they are going to hurt their clients but sometimes it feels like they aren't even touching me.  The experience at the Asian salons is much more fulfilling for me personally since I like more pressure during my massage.  The black salon was pretty much the same as the other American salons that I've been to in this category. 

The facial was bad. There is no way around it.  No steam.  No moisturizing.  Just my face getting washed over and over again and me laying on an uncomfortable table.  My face was dry and itchy when she was done.  Not relaxing at all.  I was just hoping it would be over soon. 

The massage was not great either.  Not a lot of pressure and no music or fragrances to help the client relax. Another uncomfortable table and me counting the minutes until it was over.  If you have hairy arms and you are a massage therapist you should wax them.  It is not relaxing having scratchy arms rub on your back. I felt like making an appointment at my regular salon for a facial and a massage before I left the parking lot.   

But by far the worst part of the experience was the hair.  I asked the stylist if she did natural hair and she said she did it all the time.  I told her what my regiment was and what products I used and that I was open to whatever style or products she recommended for my hair.  Even though I have been natural for 15 years I didn't really learn how to take care of my hair until 2.5 years ago when I discovered Ouidad.  So many more people are natural now than when I first went natural.  There are great products, resources and blogs now so the experience is much less scary than it used to be.  I don't go a day without seeing someone with natural hair and that is a wonderful thing.  

After washing my hair she started to blow dry it.  No conditioner or moisturizer.  No detangling.  I told her that I didn't wear my hair straight and maybe blow dried it once every couple years or so to see how long it was.  She then wet the section of my hair that she had started to dry and sent me on my way.  She didn't do my hair at all. Blow drying my hair straight and then styling it like you would style relaxed hair is not doing natural hair.  I was so disappointed that I had to go home and do my hair after all this time spent at the salon.  I was annoyed that I had to pull my hair into a bun in the parking lot so my hair wouldn't be too much of a mess when I got home.  

I don't want to make any broad generalizations about all black salons or stylists.  But for whatever reason I have yet to meet a black stylist who actually does black natural hair without trying to straighten it.  I have several relatives who are hair stylists and when I talk to them about co-washing and Ouidad they look at me like I'm speaking another language.  That's a problem.  I know there are people who wear their hair natural in the areas where my family lives but there seems to be no desire on their part to learn anything new or different to increase their skills and clientele.  I have had more good experiences than bad with white stylists doing my hair both relaxed and natural.  It would be nice to see more black stylists push themselves to learn how to do natural hair like some white stylists push themselves to learn how to do black hair.     

Couples Retreat

Last weekend my husband and I attended a couples retreat.  The event was advertised as a way to reconnect with your partner, in the wilderness, unplugged from electronics for 3 days.  Two therapists lead 15 couples and a handful of singles through various exercises and give them enough tools to function better as a couple and to communicate better to people in general. 

I will admit that I was a little concerned that it was going to be a little too new age, hippy, granola for our taste.  But one of the therapists wrote a self-help book that changed my life in college and I was really looking forward to meeting her in person.  My husband and I had discussed seeing a therapist or going to a retreat in the past but never got around to it.  When the author's Twitter feed showed she would be doing a retreat just a short drive away in New England we figured we'd give it a shot. 

So here's an example of our daily schedule: 

8-9 am breakfast provided by the retreat.  New age, hippy, granola food.  Gluten free entrees, nuts and berries, vegan cookies, soy sausage. Not bad but not my normal vacation breakfast gluttony. 

9-12 lecture time.  Power point presentation about common problems, the way men and women think, etc.  Hard to stay awake after so much soy sausage. 

12-2 pm lunch and free time.  More nuts and berries.  When we signed up for the retreat we were bullied into paying extra so that we could eat our meals and snacks there rather than drive around and look for a place to eat.  They said the meal plan was a necessity because there was very little free time and restaurants were far away.  We passed the standard slew of chain restaurants on our drive into the retreat.  I can't tell you how awful it feels to drive past a Friendly's, where you can get a delicious burger and fries and a hot fudge sundae for $12, because you've spent $300 for 3 days of rabbit food. 

2-6 pm afternoon lecture.  Very similar to the morning session.  The problem with having 2 experts is that they are constantly trying to one up each other.  Rather than compliment each other, they are trying to demonstrate that they are more knowledgeable than the other expert.  It was a little annoying during the morning session but it was unbearable in the afternoon.  The experts were so focused on competing with each other that they strayed from their outline frequently and failed to respond to questions clearly.  

6-8 pm dinner.  Generally the best meal of the day.  Beans and rice, enchiladas, soup and sandwiches.  Normal people food with a veggie twist. 

8-11 pm evening session.  This was the best part of the day.  This was where we learned breathing, stretching, visualization and trust exercises to better center ourselves and to connect with our partners.  It is amazing how 10 minutes of meditation and breathing can help you sort through all the clutter that's in your head.  There were many people who had emotional outbursts during this exercise.  It was a very powerful night. 

So you can imagine that after 3 days of this we were ready to go home but the reality is that our lives are forever changed because of it.  The way we communicate with each other and handle stress is 100% different.  As much as I would have liked to miss the daily lectures, the evening exercises more than made up for it.  Plus getting to know other couples who were facing challenges and looking to better their relationships made us feel like we were normal.  And on the flip side, seeing married singles there alone because their partners were not willing to come or couples who were struggling with much worse problems than ours made it clear that we have a great relationship and should not take it for granted. 

If you see a yoga/meditation/couples retreat advertised in your area, read the fine print, but in the end I think you will come away with much more than you end up giving up.  

Living in a Tunnel

This morning I received a ticket for running a red light.  The cop was literally behind me and I ran the light after the person in front of me ran the light.  

Last month after running a 5K a co-worker came up to me and told me he had waived and yelled to me during the race but I didn't notice him.  

I have walked right past people that I know at the gym and not even noticed them when they were right in front of me. 

I don't know when I started living my life in a tunnel but I don't think it's a good thing.  I think part of it is my anxiety.  In my head people are always looking at me or thinking bad things about me.  If I look at them then I might notice this judgement.  Over the years I have mastered the straight ahead stare.  This is how I walk,drive, run, live.  

I have injured myself multiple times because I was so focused on the goal that I was oblivious to what I was doing to achieve that goal:

Stitches in my forehead after bumping my head on bookshelf.  Focusing on getting back to my seat as fast as possible lest someone notice me.  Leaned over to throw something away and started to turn my head to walk back to my desk before I was done leaning over. 

Staph infection in my fingernail after my earring punctured the space under the nail.  Obsessing about my day and mindlessly getting dressed.  Stuck hand in jewelry box blindly while trying to multitask 20 other things and running through the possible stresses of  my day over and over again.  

Countless incidents where I have bumped my head, walked into inanimate objects, fallen, stubbed my toe, set things on fire, etc. 

There was a time when I was hyper observant.  When I started studying martial arts everyone who walked past me on campus was a potential rapist.  When I walked back to my car in the middle of the night I looked every stranger in the eye, all but daring them to attack me.  The number one thing that women are taught in self defense classes is to be aware.  To not be oblivious.  Now here I am, living in a tunnel. 

I don't know when my instincts to protect myself were overcome by my anxieties and fears.  Yet another thing that I need to work on.