Where is that Wagon?

So in the past month, I've put down my dog, lost my grandmother and lost another acquaintance to suicide. Before this happened, I had already fallen off the health and fitness wagon when I was a bridesmaid in yet another wedding. But throughout all of this tragedy, I have really let myself go.

I am torn between being one of those crazy chicks that works out all the time and can eat whatever she wants (I used to be her) and making serious changes to my diet so that moderate exercise will be enough to keep me at a healthy weight (did that with nutrisystem for a couple months). Yet another death by diabetes in my family reminded me that while I'm relatively healthy now, I'm obese and at risk for getting really sick if I don't stop this before I get completely out of control.

I would like to find a happy balance between psycho workout chick and rabbit food but I'm not sure if it exists to me. I've always been an all or nothing girl and pushed myself to unbelievable limits when I was feeling healthy or wallowed in self pity for weeks when I wasn't. When I have sought out professional help in the past, I have faced horrible doctors who made me feel even worse about myself.

Of course I know there are great doctors out there and that I could have found another specialist who might have helped me. But in true me fashion I wrote off getting any professional help because of how crappy the help was when I tried in the past.

My husband is very supportive of me and wants me to get fit. He also has a family history of diabetes and admits that he could probably stand to lose a few pounds as well. But he is 6'4" tall and is in pretty good shape. 30 extra pounds on him doesn't really show that much. On me, it's my size 16 pants which were too tight for me this morning but fit great last year.

I have been lucky that I have maintained a lot of my muscle tone because of how much I worked out in the past. I don't even want to think about how fat I would be if this were not the case.

I think I'm at the point where I need to give myself an ultimatum: get your shit together by this date and if you don't see a change, you need help. I've told this to my husband and he agrees. So now I'm just trying to figure out exactly what my plan is so I can pull it all together. I need something of a regimented schedule but not too strict. I need a reward system in place but it has to be for little accomplishments and not just the big ones. I think I'm just going to have to try to figure this out as I go along.

I don't want to put something on paper without really thinking about what I want to achieve in the end. Another post is coming once I figure all this out...