Penn State Proud

I recently watched a documentary on Logo (home of a lot of great documentaries) about the Penn State Women's basketball team. I am a proud Penn State alum but this documentary didn't give me anything to be proud of. Rene Portland, the basketball coach since the late 70's, was very vocal about her disapproval of lesbian players on her team and actually sabotaged the careers of many young women because of their sexuality. When I was at Penn State, I remember a couple of articles about Ms. Portland but honestly they didn't receive a lot of attention from the student body. The women's basketball team was very successful during my time there(1994-1999). They were regularly in the top ten and had a bigger crowd at their games than the mediocre men's team.

What shocked me the most about the documentary were the multiple negative reports from former student athletes and diversity experts from other universities and organizations that had been ignored by the university . Even more shocking is that Ms. Portland was allowed to continue coaching until 2005 when the public outcry finally reached a level that the university could not ignore. But the most disappointing part for me was that Joe Paterno, Penn State football coach for 40 plus years, was a Portland supporter during all this time. While Portland was going out and telling reporters that lesbians were not allowed on her team, Paterno was giving her awards and singing her praises to all of the university administrators. Any Penn Stater will tell you that the word of Joe Paterno trumps that of the university president becuase he brings more money into the university than any other individual or department.

It is always frustrating when someone who has been built up to be a great person based on the personality traits the media (or I) chose to focus on. Logically, of course I would expect an 80 year old white man to have different political and social views than I do. But Joe Paterno is a college football icon first and an 80 year old man second. I have excused various racist and sexist comments over the years because of who they came from. As I have gotten older, I recognize these comments much quicker and am less likely to let them pass. When I look back on situations that I have been in, I recognize that there were times when I should have spoken up and I didn't.

I don't think I would have boycotted any sports teams if I felt the way I feel now when I was a student. But if a large portion of the student body protested, I might have. Unfortunately, like most big-time sports schools, there is very little that I can imagine happening that would have upset the big money that college football and basketball bring into the university. I still love Joe Paterno and Penn State football but I also recognize that, outside of the public football persona, there probably isn't much to like.

What's Wrong With Your Dog?

I have always been overly sensitive. Someone tells me I look nice with my hair straight and whether I say it out loud or not, I think to myself "Oh, so my hair doesn't look nice when it's curly". I usually have an entire angry dialogue with this person in my head and get myself all worked up. To my credit, sometimes people mean the negative conclusion that I have jumped to in my head. They prove this by the next comment they make. But, it's not fair for me to assume everyone is a jerk just because some people are.

My dog has hip dysplaysia. He's had it since I got him 8 years ago. It's not uncommon in large dogs and can be managed fairly easily if you are proactive about it providing supplements and physical therapy. But my dog walks with a noticeable hitch in his step and he has collapsed wrists which makes it even more noticeable. I remember one day I was at a dog park in Baltimore with a friend of mine. We were sitting back watching our dogs play when a complete stranger came up to me and asked me "What's wrong with your dog"? He said it in a pretty nasty way and he had one of those bought from the breeder, snotty dogs. I looked him straight in the eye and said "Nothings wrong with my dog" and walked away. That was 7 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

The other day a woman at the vet's office shook her head and said "Poor thing" as my dog walked by. I wanted to punch her in the face. He has problems getting up after he's been sitting for a while but once he's up he gets around just fine. I did not want this woman's pity. I felt like explaining that my dog was really happy and not suffering and that he just had problems getting up because he hadn't been to physical therapy for a few months while he was healing from a skin infection and that normally he was more mobile than that.....etc, etc. That's how it comes into my brain. Like one long, angry run-on sentence of justifications and defenses of my situation. I don't know why I care so much about what complete strangers think but I do and I hold on to what they say and carry it with me for an eternity.

I often pre-retaliate to comments that I think people will make. That way I've already had the argument in my head before we have the actual conversation and I'm ready with all the points that I wouldn't be able to make in the heat of the moment. As you guessed, most of the time these arguments never come to fruition and I'm left spent from the wasted energy of preparing for a conversation that will never happen. Of course, when I let my guard down and don't prepare and someone slaps me in the face with a ignorant or hurtful comment I am always too emotional to collect my thoughts. I never get a chance to say what I mean and leave the situation feeling more frustrated. It's like the perfect comeback that you come up with the day after someone tells you off.

I remember that on Oprah a lifetime ago an expert recommended writing letters to people who you had unresolved issues with. You never sent these letters but the idea was that by writing down your thoughts you would be able to let go of whatever you were holding on to. I've done that a few times over the years and all it did was make it even clearer that I had no closure to these situations and that I never would. It brought up all the old anger and provided none of the promised relief.

At 33 years old I find myself worrying too much about what strangers think and wondering what happened to the confident, cocky woman that I used to be. I remember how I used to drive down the highway singing at the top of my lungs and smiling. Now I am so tense when I drive that I have developed a permanent frozen shoulder and stiff neck that require muscle relaxants and regular chiropractic and massage therapy. I am overly aware of other drivers when I'm stopped at a traffic light or passing people on the highway. I never look to see if any one's actually looking at me but I always imagine that they are. My husband doesn't even let me drive any more when we go places together because he hates seeing me that tense.

Maybe I should get hypnotized or something. There has to be some way to undue this knot that I've tied myself into. It would be so nice to be free of this anxiety.

2 weeks with 2 dogs

I'm not sure if the honeymoon ever really started but it is definitely over. The reality of having a 9 year old dog and a 3 year old dog at the same time has sunken in. The 3 year old has endless energy and has been living in a cage for most of her life so she wants a lot of attention and she wants to play. The 9 year old is used to getting all the attention and isn't as mobile as his new sister so he gets frustrated watching us play fetch with her and having her run circles around him. There have not been any fights (and maybe I'm just being paranoid) but the 9 year old definitely seems pissed at the 3 year old after she's run circles around him and sounds like he would attack her if he could catch her. The trainer said I should just let them be dogs and work it out but I can't do that. I can't risk one of them getting bitten and having a whole new list of anxiety issues to deal with.

It's not all that bad really. The cat has accepted the new dog (which she definitely didn't at first) and now treats him like the old dog. The dogs get along really well when they're in the house and there are thousands of Kodak moments every day with them sleeping next to each other and licking each other's faces. Plus the new dog is not nearly as screwed up as her previous owner described her as being. And the biggest plus is my husband helps out with the dogs now which is something that he rarely did before.

I don't regret my decision. I have always wanted two dogs and my old dog needed a buddy (all his buddies moved away and he was seriously lacking in socialization). I gave a dog who didn't have such a great start a new life. But no matter all the good reasons for adopting the dog, the heart of it is that I adopted this dog for selfish reasons. I considered how it would affect my old dog and cat, my husband and my own daily schedule but I don't think I was realistic about how great the impact would be.

My husband thinks that part of the reason I wanted another dog was to help me get out of a rut that I've been in for years. That getting another dog would force me to get my shit together and organize my time more efficiently. I think that subconsciously that is exactly what I did. But in order for it to be successful I'm going to have to try a hell of a lot harder than I have been. But it will be worth it. In three months I will look back at this transition period and take pride in the progress that has been made. But right now I'm a little overwhelmed and hoping that all the members of my household don't resent me for putting us in this position.

The New Dog Blog

So Ollana didn't work out for us. She has lived in a kennel for too long and just won't adapt to a home life with another needy dog and a cat. Hopefully someone else will come along for her. But, on the bright side, she is very attached to all the great staff at the kennel where she is housed and gets lot of walks, playtime and kisses. She has never known anything other than the kennel life and doesn't seem to think she's missing out on anything.

We did end up adopting Georgia. She is three years old and very hyper. Similar background to Ollana- most of her life in a cage because of a crappy owner but she did have exposure to other dogs and cats. Her play date with Chale when great so we brought her home on Monday.

The amount of work for two dogs vs. one is definitely an adjustment but its worth it. Things have already improved dramatically since the first day and we're only on day 4! I hope to look back on this week 3 months from now and smile at how normal and easy everything seems comparatively.

One of the neighbors complimented our dogs yesterday when we were walking them. These are the moments that I cherish because people assume that two well behaved, purebred dogs must have come from a pet store or a breeder. I take pride in telling them that they are both rescues who spent 3-4 months at a rescue before I adopted them.

That the only difference between my dogs and some puppy mill dog is that I know whats wrong with them when I get them. So I can have a plan in place and work to fix or accommodate those problems from day one. You are playing a game of roulette and have no idea what physical, medical or behavioral problem will pop up but I guarantee you one will, because they always do. Dogs are the ultimate money pit but they are oh so worth it!

How to Keep Your Bridesmaids Happy

l. Let them pick their own dresses. You pick the color but let them pick the style. Everyone's body is shaped different and nothing will piss people off more than buying a dress that makes them feel uncomfortable. People will tell you they can have the dress altered and will wear it again but they aren't going to do that. If you must have your bridesmaids dressed like identical Stepford wives then get their input on the dress that you pick. At the bridal store they can tell you "this isn't flattering on my body or I hate this dress" without having to worry about pissing you off. If you've already picked the dress without any input from your bridesmaids you are not being a good friend. You wouldn't want someone else to pick out a dress that you had to wear for 12 hours. Not too mention have it preserved in pictures forever.

2. Plan activities for the wedding weekend. People are spending hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars to participate in your big day. No one wants to spend four days in your mothers living room staring at the wall. Planning activities doesn't mean paying for them. Even if you don't feel like doing anything, many of your friends and family members will. Put together a wedding website (you can do it for free) with links to local attractions and give your wedding party some free time so they can check out these attractions. Once again, you don't have to participate if you don't want to. Your wedding party will have no problem going out and having a good time without you and this time out may lead to new friendships and relationships.

3. Provide your bridal party with a schedule well before the wedding weekend. This will make it easier for them to plan any activities that they may want to do outside of the wedding activities and will help them figure out when they want to arrive and what to pack. The night before your wedding isn't the first time your bridesmaids should find out that they have a 9 am hair appointment for your 4 pm wedding.

4. Make sure your bridesmaids will be able to see the ceremony or will be able to sit if it is a long ceremony. I have been in weddings were I have not been able to see the bride or the groom for the entire ceremony because of the setup of the church and the placement of the bridal party. I didn't spend $1000 to listen to your wedding. And I certainly didn't spend that money to pass out because I was standing in my 4" heels in a hot church for 90 minutes with my knees locked.

5. Taking into consideration any special accommodations that you need to make for your bridesmaids. You should know these people really well or you wouldn't have asked them to be in your wedding. If one of your bridesmaids is black and you and all the other bridesmaids are white don't expect her to get her hair done at the same salon. Even if you have checked with the salon to see if they have someone who can do black people's hair it will take a lot longer for her to get her hair done than it will take for the rest of you. And, realistically, she's going to want to check out the salon on her own before hand to make sure she is comfortable going there. A bad hair day for her could take months to undo and will only reinforce that she is different.

If one of your bridesmaids is a vegetarian don't plan an all you can eat beef smorgasbord for your rehearsal dinner. If one of your bridesmaids is obese or doesn't work out regularly, that wedding day 5K might not be such a good idea. If you want to be friends with these people after the wedding then you need to act like a friend when you plan the wedding.

The More Time I Spend with Women...

The more I love men. I've never enjoyed hanging out with large groups of women. Slumber parties where we do each other's hair and talk about boys? Not a chance. All day at the mall to shop and giggle? I'd rather have a root canal. The conversations are always about things that I don't care about and there is the inevitable cattiness and low self esteem that just make me sick.

It takes me 20 minutes to get ready in the morning whether I'm going to the gym or a wedding. If it takes you longer than that, we can't hang out. I love sports, I love food, I swear like a trucker and I love a good dirty joke. I've never had any desire to watch Grey's Anatomy, Friends, Sex in the City, The Bachelor...the list goes on. I know a lot of you women feel the same way and I'm happy to be friends with you. I don't know if we are in the minority but it definitely feels like it.

I recently went to a bridal shower for my friend Jessica who is marrying her girlfriend of 10 years. They met playing softball in college. So you'd think this was the perfect atmosphere for a girl like me. Not so much. Their softball team (at least 75% lesbian) was very cliquey and only talked to each other. Her high school friends had all become soccer moms and sat in the corner in their Ann Taylor dresses talking about their children and husbands and how they were dying to get some makeup on Jessica to accentuate her cheekbones (not making this up). I am a social person but people were not open to meeting anyone new and were pretty blatant in ignoring me and the other outsiders. It seems that no matter what the situation the default is the bitchy rudeness when you get a group of women together.

I've experienced the same sort of cliquishness in my quilting and aerobics meetup groups. I thought the point of meetup was to meet new people. Every event I have gone to only reminded me that I was not part of any of these little cliques and, short of someone new joining who was also an outsider, I wasn't going to ever belong. I continue to go to meetup events and look out for new meetup groups that match up to my interests because I'm not going back to my hermit phase. But it's hard to push forward when after 5 years in Syracuse I still find myself looking for a place where I belong. If I didn't have my husband and my out of state friends and family it would be a very lonely existence.

Organ Donation and Transplants

I was reading an article in last month's Discovery Magazine on how people sell their organs in some Asian countries to make money to live. Apparently there is a huge market for people from all over the world to come to these countries to buy organs that they need to survive. Not surprisingly, a lot of people from the United States make this trip.

My uncle has been waiting for a kidney for three years. He receives dialysis a couple times a week and seems to be in relatively good health (considering that his kidneys aren't working) so it is not a medical emergency for him to get a kidney right away. But I worry that by the time a kidney becomes available that is a good match for him it will be too late.

Some of the stories I read about people being forced to give up their organs were completely disgusting. The thought of being so poor that I would give up an organ to a stranger to have enough food to provide for my family is depressing. But obviously the need is there. When it truly is a matter of life and death you can't fault people for making the decision to travel overseas to get these black market organs for a chance at life. I can't say I wouldn't do the same thing if I or someone I love became terminally ill.

One thing that did stand out in the article was that China harvests organs from death row inmates. What a fantastic idea. This person is going to die any way, why not take something good out of their death? This person probably committed a violent crime and took someone else's life. It seems only fitting that with the end of his life comes the potential to save several other lives.

There are some human rights experts that claim that China pushes people to be executed before they can receive a fair trial in order to get the organs. There are also some issues to how sanitary the operating conditions are and how the organs are stored once they are removed. I don't condone any of these practices and hope that the international community is successful in making sure China is not violating any human rights and follows all basic guidelines for sanitary medical facilities. But, if done properly, I think this is a system that could work.

You have broken the law. The government has confirmed that you are guilty of a crime and cannot be rehabilitated. You will be put to death. Why not harvest every piece of that person's body to help as many people as you can? Should we have to get a prisoner's permission to do this to their dead body? Absolutely not. If we have deemed this person no longer worthy of life then why we would allow them the right to deny life to others?

I'm sure that there would be religious and cultural groups saying that the practice of harvesting organs goes against their beliefs but I suspect killing people is also against their beliefs. Once you go on death row, you lose those rights and know that your organs will be harvested upon your death or your body donated to science or whatever the government sees fit to do with your body. It seems like a no-brainer to me.