Insomnnia As Always

I have been an insomniac for as long as I remember.  When I was a little kid, I had lots of distractions in my room because my parents went to sleep long before I did and they didn't want me to leave my room.  Video games, TV, books, puzzles, toys, etc kept me busy into the wee hours of the morning.  When I was younger I used to wear it as a badge of honor: "Yeah, I only slept for 2 hours last night and I'm fine."  But as I've grown older it had become less of a cause for bragging rights and more of a medical concern. 

I have tried several over the counter sleep aids, natural supplements, teas and techniques with varying success.  Physical exams and home sleep studies have shown that there is nothing medically wrong with me and that my problem is likely psychological.  I am a stressed out person.  I do not think my life is any more stressful than the average person but  that doesn't prevent me from obsessing over things.  When I was younger my life was very stressful and unfortunately that is when I developed this problem.  

I think people are looking at me when they probably aren't.  I replay conversations in my head.  I have imaginary arguments with people.  Sometimes it feels like at the end of the day, when I have nothing left to do, all the stresses come rushing back and fill my brain with ridiculous thoughts.  Melatonin has been a lifesaver in helping me fall asleep but I generally wake up 2-3 hours later with heart palpitations.  Stress tests and a cardiologist have confirmed that I don't have a heart problem and, of course, this is likely a stress reaction as well.  

My husband thinks I need to see a psychotherapist to get to the root of my sleep problems once and for all.  I have avoided seeing a therapist for all my life.  My brother and mother saw shrinks regularly and both of them seemed more screwed up because of it.  I know that there is nothing wrong with getting therapy and I don't judge people negatively for doing it but somewhere in my mind it would make me weak.  That's ridiculous but that's how I feel.  

I know that stress and sleep can affect your metabolism and your ability to lose weight.  I know that I have damaged my body with all of these years of stress and that if I don't figure things out soon I will have no choice but to take Ambien or some other prescription drug that will not solve the problem but will treat the symptoms to the point that I can function.  With all the exercise that I do, I know that my body does not have ample time to recover.  I'm sure my lack of sleep is related to my slow recovery from relatively mild injuries.    

So I've decided on a compromise.  I'm going to try a self-hypnosis sleep CD along with the melatonin.  Hopefully it will work but if it doesn't, I will make an appointment with a psychotherapist.  It would be great to be able to relax and let go of things.  

What's Wrong With Your Dog?

I have always been overly sensitive. Someone tells me I look nice with my hair straight and whether I say it out loud or not, I think to myself "Oh, so my hair doesn't look nice when it's curly". I usually have an entire angry dialogue with this person in my head and get myself all worked up. To my credit, sometimes people mean the negative conclusion that I have jumped to in my head. They prove this by the next comment they make. But, it's not fair for me to assume everyone is a jerk just because some people are.

My dog has hip dysplaysia. He's had it since I got him 8 years ago. It's not uncommon in large dogs and can be managed fairly easily if you are proactive about it providing supplements and physical therapy. But my dog walks with a noticeable hitch in his step and he has collapsed wrists which makes it even more noticeable. I remember one day I was at a dog park in Baltimore with a friend of mine. We were sitting back watching our dogs play when a complete stranger came up to me and asked me "What's wrong with your dog"? He said it in a pretty nasty way and he had one of those bought from the breeder, snotty dogs. I looked him straight in the eye and said "Nothings wrong with my dog" and walked away. That was 7 years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

The other day a woman at the vet's office shook her head and said "Poor thing" as my dog walked by. I wanted to punch her in the face. He has problems getting up after he's been sitting for a while but once he's up he gets around just fine. I did not want this woman's pity. I felt like explaining that my dog was really happy and not suffering and that he just had problems getting up because he hadn't been to physical therapy for a few months while he was healing from a skin infection and that normally he was more mobile than that.....etc, etc. That's how it comes into my brain. Like one long, angry run-on sentence of justifications and defenses of my situation. I don't know why I care so much about what complete strangers think but I do and I hold on to what they say and carry it with me for an eternity.

I often pre-retaliate to comments that I think people will make. That way I've already had the argument in my head before we have the actual conversation and I'm ready with all the points that I wouldn't be able to make in the heat of the moment. As you guessed, most of the time these arguments never come to fruition and I'm left spent from the wasted energy of preparing for a conversation that will never happen. Of course, when I let my guard down and don't prepare and someone slaps me in the face with a ignorant or hurtful comment I am always too emotional to collect my thoughts. I never get a chance to say what I mean and leave the situation feeling more frustrated. It's like the perfect comeback that you come up with the day after someone tells you off.

I remember that on Oprah a lifetime ago an expert recommended writing letters to people who you had unresolved issues with. You never sent these letters but the idea was that by writing down your thoughts you would be able to let go of whatever you were holding on to. I've done that a few times over the years and all it did was make it even clearer that I had no closure to these situations and that I never would. It brought up all the old anger and provided none of the promised relief.

At 33 years old I find myself worrying too much about what strangers think and wondering what happened to the confident, cocky woman that I used to be. I remember how I used to drive down the highway singing at the top of my lungs and smiling. Now I am so tense when I drive that I have developed a permanent frozen shoulder and stiff neck that require muscle relaxants and regular chiropractic and massage therapy. I am overly aware of other drivers when I'm stopped at a traffic light or passing people on the highway. I never look to see if any one's actually looking at me but I always imagine that they are. My husband doesn't even let me drive any more when we go places together because he hates seeing me that tense.

Maybe I should get hypnotized or something. There has to be some way to undue this knot that I've tied myself into. It would be so nice to be free of this anxiety.