Race and the College Graduate

In a recent issue of USA Today there was a statistic indicating that more black Americans were getting degrees than every before.  In 2012 the U.S. Census Bureau reported that 21% of blacks 25 years or older had 4 years of college or more.  My immediate question was how does this compare to other ethnic groups.  By reporting only the numbers for one group, the newspaper paints an incomplete picture.  Is that a low number?  Don't all kids go to college after high school at this point?

Looking deeper into the same census shows that only 33.5% of all Americans aged 25 to 29 have earned at least a bachelor's degree. The college graduation rates across all racial groups have increased.  Socioeconomic status is the biggest indicator of whether or not someone will be successful in college.  If someone comes from a low income family they are less likely to graduate from high school, attend college and graduate from college.  More affluent states have significantly higher graduation rates than poorer states.  

The fact that only about a third of the population has a college degree is something we should care about as a country.  We are constantly hearing reports about how American children are not as smart those in other countries.  What is being done to bridge this gap?  That is the article I wanted to read.  I'm sick of hearing skewed statistics about minorities that reinforce the assumption that we are less educated than whites.  

What Would You Do?

Ever since Oprah got her OWN network I have been over indulging in life changing TV.  I am admittedly not Oprah's biggest fan and was very happy when her show finally ended (at least 5 years too late if you ask me).   http://onehappybitch.blogspot.com/2009/07/when-did-oprah-jump-shark.html

But I have to admit that a lot of the content that is on OWN is as life changing and as thought provoking as the old Oprah show and, thankfully, very light on the presence of Oprah (big plus).

There is this show called What Would You Do? which is apparently a re-airing of a show from ABC that I never saw.  Hidden camera shows make me cringe.  I hate to see the awkward situations and feel for the people who are put in them.  Candid Camera, Punked and other shows like that have never been my thing.  But this show is different.  It uses actors to create morally questionable situations and then films how real people react to these situations.  This show is not only a great social experiment but it makes you question how you would react in the same situations.  

As good as this show is, several episodes get backed up on my DVR before I have the courage to sit down and watch one.  This is because the show make me cry every time.  I cry with happiness for the innocent people who do the right thing and for all the people who don't.  I cry because I know these scenarios are based on things that have happened in real life.  This show makes me ashamed of the apathy of society and the prevalence of prejudice.  

One episode that sticks out in my mind was of kids vandalizing cars at a public park.  The park was in a middle class neighborhood in New Jersey and the experiment was done on a very busy Saturday morning.  When the vandals were white kids some people called the cops or confronted the kids but a lot of people just walked past.  But when the vandals were black kids the response was almost immediate and much more aggressive.  When questioned, the people said that they would have reacted the same way if the kids were white but that clearly wasn't what the experiment showed.  

It seemed like in this very white middle class neighborhood, the people assumed that the white kids were some kids from the neighborhood who were just fooling around.  But those black kids, no they clearly couldn't live there, they weren't from the neighborhood.  They were a threat.  Because if media has taught us anything its that young black men are thugs and young white men are just goofing off.  Maybe that's a stretch but I can tell you that people often make assumptions about me solely based on my race.  The people who make these assumptions don't seem to have ever had any meaningful conversations with a black person.  Media must play a role in how they form their opinions because it's not coming from life experience. 

The worst part of this episode was how many people called the police to report a group of black people sleeping in their car in the park.  This was not an experiment set up by the show but a real situation that occurred during the planned scenario.  People were calling to say that they thought they were casing the park and potentially going to rob it.  This was a story that the white people created in their heads because they had been taught to fear black people. Because these people who didn't look like them didn't belong in their neighborhood.  These were a few people taking a nap in their car.  I can't express how harmless this situation was.  I wish they would have re-created the situation with a white family.  I bet no one would have called.  

The crazy thing was that these calls came in while the white kids were vandalizing cars.  So these people took the time to call the police to report black people minding their own business and ignored the white people breaking the law.  It makes me sad.  

I wish this were required viewing for everyone.  It should be a required class from elementary school through college, like English, because it is just as important.  Knowing how to properly punctuate a sentence is a pretty worthless skill unless you're going to become an English teacher.  Learning how to accept people from different backgrounds and live in harmony with people that are different than you is essential.  I don't think society will ever be perfect but it would be a hell of a lot better if people talked about these things and didn't pretend like the don't exist.  In every episode I learn something else about myself.  I hope that I am one of the good people that would do the right thing.  But I don't know how I would react if confronted with a situation like this.  That is the beauty of the show.  It's easy to say what you would do when you are sitting on your couch.  But in real life, how many of us would be cowards?  How many of our hidden prejudices would reveal themselves?  

What I Should Have Said

I often find myself having imaginary conversations with people days (OK sometimes months) after an encounter that upset me. I never seem to be able to compose myself enough in the moment to say what I really want to say when someone says something ignorant. I think I'm just so shocked at the things that people do and say that I'm at a loss for words.

Q: Are you the first person in your family to go to college?
A: No.

I used to get this question a lot more in my 20's. I am happy to say that I only get asked every once in a while these days but it still aggravates me. It is either a demonstration of how ignorant people are about the history of black people in this country or that they are racist and assume that black people aren't educated.

What I Should Have Said: How old do you think I am? Do you know that some northern colleges were admitting black people in the 1700's and shortly after that historically black colleges were established all over the US? By the time slavery was abolished in the late 1800's black people had been going to college for more than 100 years. The Civil War ended in 1865. It's almost 2011.

Yes, black people's rights and opportunities were still very limited in some geographic regions until the 1960's and 1970's when the Civil Rights Movement worked to change that but that doesn't mean they lacked the desire to become educated and strive for a better life. A person's
ability to go to college is generally driven by their socioeconomic status more than anything else. Yes, by percentages, there are more poor black people than any other race but that doesn't mean that all poor people are black or that all black people are poor.

Depending on what study you believe 50-60% of Americans have attended college but only 27% leave college with a degree. According to the federal government, 57% of white students who enter college earn their degrees compared to 44% and 39% of Hispanic and black students, respectively. Not great odds when you compare us to other countries.

So 1/4-1/3 of all people that you meet don't have a college degree, regardless of race. Are you asking everyone you meet if they are the first one in their family to attend college? If you are, I'm sorry I was offended by your comment. I thought you were asking me because you're one of those people who watched shows like The Cosby Show and thought they were the exception and that few, if any, successful black people exist in the world.

You're the guy who asks me for more towels when you see me walking down the hall in a nice hotel or the lady who asks me to find a shoe in her size while I'm shopping at a fancy department store because you can't fathom me being able to afford these things. You're the mother of several of my friends growing up who were surprised that I was black the first time they met me in person because "I sounded white on the phone". You're tiny, ignorant little brain can't imagine that a black person could have the same, or gasp, a higher level of success and income that you.

I wish that I could say that all the people who ask me these questions are very old but they are usually late 30's to early 50's. I struggle to tell someone that they've got snot hanging out of their nose. I can't imagine walking up to a complete stranger and asking them anything like that. As I've gotten older, I've tried to let these comments go but I am rarely successful. I'd be lying if I didn't say that every moment of ignorance against me is burned into my memory with no hope of being erased.

Ouidad, I love you

For those of you with naturally curly thick hair, maybe you've already heard of Ouidad. I didn't hear about it until recently and then spent the better part of a year debating on whether or not I was going to go through with it. Last week I finally gave in and I'm so glad I finally did. For the first time that I can remember I am in love with my hair.

Ouidad is basically a way of cutting thick, curly hair that thins out the volume of it. So your curls hang loser and your hair is much more manageable. You're going to have to go to a pretty nice salon and pay a pretty penny for the initial cut but it's totally worth it. My hair moves when I turn my head but doesn't get dented when I lean on it. While it has been thinned out it is still very thick and has plenty of volume and shape.

It was nice to go to a stylist who knew how to do my hair and was able to show me how to do it at home. Yes, they try to get you to buy all the products, no you don't have to buy them all to have totally awesome hair (I bought about half of what they recommended I buy). I have friends who use the products and didn't get the cut. Either way, these Ouidad folks definitely know curly hair.

I would like to respond to some of the negative press on the Internet about Ouidad:

1. The style gives you "the wet look".

This is totally untrue unless the stylist weighed you down with too much product for the thickness of your hair. I sat under a dryer for 20 minutes to make sure I liked the way my hair looked when it was dry. They used a lot of product but once it was dry it didn't look wet at all and my style lasted for 3 days.

2. You're hair will be butchered with some sections cut down to the scalp and some very long. You will not have any variation in your style because of how it is cut. The hair cut is high maintenance.

The stylist didn't cut any sections of my hair down to the root. She would pull out a section of hair and then cut some bulk out of the middle of it. I have not had any problems when I changed the style of my hair with any thin patches. My stylist said that she has heard of other stylists using the wrong type of scissors or doing the cut on people who's hair wasn't thick enough. I think the key is researching the stylist before you go in for an appointment.

There were great reviews on the salon on "curly" web sites and blogs. Once I picked the salon, I sat down and talked to the stylist who was going to do my hair before I made the appointment. She showed me before an after pictures of her other clients and reassured me that she knew exactly what she was doing. You do have to go back for maintenance cuts every 4 months or so but I don't think that's excessive. Yes, you will use a lot of product in your hair but if you have naturally curly hair, you're used to this. Every curly girl I know has a ton of hair care products in her bathroom. Pick and choose which, if any, of their products you like and stick with any others that you've had success with. This is not an all or nothing thing.

3. The Ouidad cut is for white people and will not look good in your hair. You will probably have to see a white stylist who doesn't know how to do black hair.

The Ouidad cut is for people with thick hair. People of all races can get this cut. Depending on where you live, your stylist might be white (mine was) but that doesn't mean she doesn't know how to handle black hair. Don't be afraid to ask a salon if they have a stylist who can do black hair. You don't have to go to a black hair salon to find someone to do your hair.

Personally, there are no black hair salons in the Syracuse area that specialize in natural hair. Every time I have gone they have encouraged me to go back to relaxing my hair or blow drying it straight. I generally see a stylist that knows how to do black hair at a salon that is not a "black" salon. I always call ahead to see if they have someone who can do my hair before I make an appointment. It seems like this is less of a problem in major metropolitan areas but, in my experience, relaxers and blow-outs are still the standard in black salons and I never leave them happy.

I read this girl's blog a couple weeks ago about what a great hair cut she got from her new white stylist and I was disgusted with how many people gave her crap for going to a white stylist. The comments ranged from "you are taking business away from black people" to "I would never let a white person touch my hair". It is disappointing that people were more focused on their own bigotry and not on how great this girl's hair looked.

I have had my hair messed up by black stylists in the past and had great hair styles from white stylists. I do not discriminate against either because I have had good and bad from both. Half of the celebrity stylists I see doing black hair are white. I know that it is the training and experience of a stylist, and not his/her race, that determines their ability. I'm just happy that I know this and that I know have an awesome hair cut that I can finally maintain. Let it go people! You want your hair to look as good as people on TV? Find yourself a stylist who knows how to do your hair and go with it. It might be the best decision you ever make (for your hair).

Black Like Me

I watched this great documentary today called Off and Running. It's part of PBS' P.O.V. (point of view) series. If you haven't checked it out you should!. Well this documentary was about a white, Jewish, lesbian couple and their three adopted children. The three children were: a 17-year old dark-skinned black American girl, an 18-year old light-skinned Puerto Rican/black American boy and a 10-year old Korean boy. All of these children were adopted as babies and were raised under the traditional Jewish traditions of their family.

They were almost always the only non-white children at their Jewish school but they didn't view themselves as different until someone else pointed it out. The main focus of the documentary was the 17-year old girl. She seemed to be confident in who she was as a person until she started attending a predominantly black high school and got her first real exposure to black people and black culture.

It was so frustrating to watch this confident girl doubt herself and turn on her parents because her new friends joked about her family. You know that when she's an adult, the girl will look back at the documentary and realize how ignorant her friends were and how she disrespected her family. The girl was blaming her parents for being different. For making her less black than her friends could handle. Suddenly the fact that these women had raised her and given her a great life didn't mean anything.

The girl ended up dropping out of school, moving out of her parents house and getting pregnant before she pulled it together at the end. In the end she got her GED, started talking to her family again and was accepted to a historically black college. I hope that she finds her identity in college and realizes that black people come in many different colors and personalities but I worry that she will continue to let the ignorant people control her.

I really associated with this documentary because I have been this girl. I distinctly remember being one of only a handful of black kids at my private school and almost always the only one in my class. I remember how uncomfortable I was when teachers asked me what I thought of prominent black politicians and entertainers. Like some how I was representative of the entire race. Or when I went to a friends house for the first time and their parents were surprised that I was black because I sounded white on the phone. Or when some of my relatives made fun of me because I talked "white". I remember how difficult the transition from private school to public school was when it suddenly became very clear that I was not like many of the other black kids and that kids of both races had a problem with this.

I use to daydream that my dad had other children that I didn't know about. That my father (who was very light skinned) had children with a white woman and that these children were light skinned like him. I thought that one day I would meet these kids and suddenly have people who understood what I was going through. Like somehow the existence of light-skinned brothers and sisters would validate the experiences that I had as a dark-skinned black person. I felt like I couldn't have these feelings because I didn't look the part.

I read in Essence magazine that the average black American is 22% European. I have always been very interested in genealogy and where my family came from but it seems like a lot of black people don't share this desire. They appear accept the title African-American that society has labeled them with. I guess its better than negro or colored but its still not correct.

It's so frustrating to me when people describe white people as Italian/German/Mexican/etc. American but all black people are just African American. And I'm not talking about 1st or 2nd generation Americans, I'm talking about my peers. People who were born in this country and whose family has been here for many generations just like mine. I'm so tired of everyone else being asked the question and not me. I am not a statistic or a stereotype. I am an individual and I'd like to be treated as one.

When I was younger I would go out of my way to tell people that members of my family were biracial and light skinned because I felt it was the only thing that would justify these feelings that I was having. After watching this documentary, I realize that my fake biracial siblings would probably have been just as confused and conflicted as I was. They probably would have faced even more prejudice than I did because their appearance would make it even more difficult for them. I have witnessed this prejudice from biracial friends and classmates and do not wish it upon anyone.

I would like to say that as an adult I have overcome these anxieties but that wouldn't be true. I still have family members that make fun of me for the way that I talk, my friends, my husband and the music and hobbies that I have. Complete strangers continue to judge me because I dont' fit into the box they think I belong in. I have a white friend from college who likes to joke that she's blacker than me because she dates black men and listens to rap music. I am better at defending myself and not letting all of these people prevent me from living my life but it still gets to me.

Adoption

There are over 500,000 children in foster care every year but only about a quarter of these children are available for adoption. About 120,000 children are adopted in the United States every year but many of those children are infants or newborns. Older children tend to end up in foster care and wait for years to get adopted because they are less desirable than babies.

In 2009 12,753 foreign children were adopted by American families. Over the past 15 years 200,000 foreign children have been adopted by American families. I don't think there is anything wrong with foreign adoption but it seems silly to travel half way around the world and spend your life savings on a toddler from China when they there are literally thousands of American children waiting for homes.

All of these celebrities adopting "ethnic babies" frustrates me. At least Sandra Bullock adopted a baby from New Orleans. I'm talking to you Madonna, Angelina Jolie, you ladies who have made your little foreign babies the newest fashion accessory. Its great that you want to help out 3rd world countries by bringing their unwanted children to the US for a completely spoiled life but why not look a little closer to home. We have plenty of problems right here that you could help with.

Some people are upset that Sandra Bullock's baby is black but lets be realistic: there are more black children available for adoption than there are black families to adopt them. 26% of all black children adopted in the US are adopted by non-black families. I think its much more important for a child to live in a home with people that love him/her than for that child, regardless of whether or not they look like their adopted family, to never have a permanent home. It's definitely better than staying in the foster care system until an appropriate black couple comes along (which may not ever happen).

About 30,000 children age out of the foster care system every year. 25% of these children will become homeless. 56% will be unemployed. 27% of the males will end up in jail. Another 30,000 children are dropped by the foster care system every year because they run away and the government can no longer track them. That means half of the children who are available for adoption will have a very sad ending.

Should the government do more to support those children who age out of the system to make them more successful? Should there be more incentives for American families to adopt American children? Well of course but that's not enough. No matter how many specials that PBS and HBO put together showing how fantastic it is to adopt an older child there will always be those people who must have a baby. They say they won't be able to bond with an older child or that they aren't prepared to deal with the issues that an older child might bring.

When people have children naturally there is always the risk of a number of diseases and disabilities. Some parents put these children up for adoption because it is too much to handle but most of them accept that this is their responsibility. That it must have been part of some divine plan for them and they make the most of it. Why can't it be part of some divine plan for you to take home a 7 year old with ADD? If you don't give him a chance, no one else might either.

The Olympics and The Census Make Me Sad

I know what you're thinking: What could be negative about two such positive events. At the surface these are very happy events that lead to nothing but good things. But, as usual, if you look deeper there are negative things that aren't talked about nearly as much as they should be.

The Olympics brings a lot of money and pride to the host country. It makes people proud of their countries and gives people in niche sports a chance for fame that they might not have had otherwise. One of the coolest events in the Olympics is ski jumping or aerials. This is the event where the competitors ski down a steep hill and up a giant ramp to propel themselves in the air and do back flips and other tricks. Unfortunately, the International Olympic Committee does not allow women to participate in this sport on an international level.

Their first excuse was that not enough women competed in the sport to make it into the Olympics. But there are more women ski jumpers than there are skeleton racers based on the national and world championships that are held in each sport. A few male ski jumpers have mentioned that the event is not healthy for women. Are you serious? Didn't they used to say the same thing about women in the distance running events? Did we suddenly go back into the dark ages? Many of the female ski jumpers believe that it is a simple case of sexism. It is possible for a female ski jumper to get as much air as her male competitors and; therefore, earn an equal or higher score than her male counterparts. The male ego just can't handle the thought of losing to a woman so they just won't let them compete. All but one of the people on the International Olympic Committee are male and in late middle age to old age. I don't think we're going to see any changes here until the regulating body is as diverse as the competitors.

The government will tell you that the main focus of the census is to make sure there are plenty of resources available to all of the citizens of the United States. It makes sure there are enough schools and public services but it also identifies trends based on race. It tells you how many people of each race live below the poverty line and, in turn, reveals possible trends of racism in certain geographical areas. It is also meant to provide an accurate make up of the population of the United States by race. Unfortunately, the race categories on the census are horrible inadequate.

If you are an Arab American or an African American from a northern country you likely have white skin. The census would like you to check the box "Caucasian/White Non-Hispanic" on the census. Because in this country the color of your skin is your ethnicity. There is no focus on the country that you come from or the culture that you would define as your own. So when the census folks predict that by the next census, 48% of the US population will be white they mean that those are the people who have light skin can for white Americans, privileged Americans. The actual demographics of this country will never be known if the current system isn't changed.

I have not completed my family tree yet but the research that I have done so far has shown me that you have to go back more than 200 years to find the first one of my ancestors who was not born in the United States. Part of my ancestry is Native American which means that all of my ancestors from that section of my family were born in this country. But my skin is brown so I must check the African American box. I don't expect there to be a German, African, Native American box on the census but I think we could do a lot better than this in a country that is as diverse as the United States.

Racism in America

Remember the 2007 Fiesta Bowl? Boise State had gone undefeated during the regular season and made a great case for why the BCS system is screwed up. Even though they didn't get a chance to play in the championship game, they did get to play against football powerhouse Oklahoma who many had thought would battle for the national championship before they lost to Oregon and Texas in the regular season. Boise State beat Oklahoma and showed people that a team for a smaller conference could compete with the big boys.

To this day, a lot of people still reference that game as one of the best arguments for why we need a better system to determine a national champion. But the most memorable part of that game happened on the sidelines after time ran out. The star football player from Boise State got on one knee and proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend on live TV. She of course said yes and the crowd went crazy. The young couple appeared on all of the talk shows and gave a fairy tale ending to a fairy tale season that was so perfect and cheesy you would have thought Disney wrote it.

What wasn't reported in the national media were the threatening letters and phone calls that the young couple and their families received. The death threats that made police protection necessary and forced them to change the date and location of their wedding several times. You see the football player is black and the cheerleader is white. To be accurate, the football player has a white parent and a black parent and is of mixed race but that is irrelevant to most people in this country. The bottom line is that if you appear to have any black in you, if you have brown skin, then you are black and any other part of your ethnicity is not important.

The fact that just seeing an interracial couple on television incensed so many people that hundreds of them decided to threaten them is disgusting. But the fact that none of the media outlets reported on it is even more disturbing. Sports Illustrated recently ran a "Where are They Now" story and reported this information for the first time to the general public in a mainstream publication. Was there public outcry? Did it become the lead story on the news? Did Oprah do a show about it? No, of course not. Not even a letter to the editor (or at least none published).

What does that say about us as a nation? That such rampant racism exists but isn't reported. When Barack Obama became president I heard a lot of ridiculous talk that this was a sign that racism was no longer a big issue in America. If you don't believe that a large portion of the people who say that the president is Muslim, not an American citizen and all the other bullshit that these protesters are saying has more to do with the color of the president's skin that his politics then you are lying to yourself.

When the Princess and the Frog became Disney's first movie to feature a black princess people said that it wasn't a big deal. These people have obviously never tried to find a black Barbie doll for their child. Mattel only makes some of the Barbie's in black. Many of the special edition and themed Barbies only come in white. As do many baby dolls and other toys that are mass marketed to little girls.

Anyone who believes that Hurricane Katrina wouldn't have been handled differently if it happened in a predominantly white area is lying to themselves. If there is a shooting at a school in a middle class area it becomes a national news story but a shooting at an inner city school is often back page news. When a black athlete or entertainer gets in trouble with the law or has tattoos he is a labeled a thug but that tag isn't applied to a white athlete/entertainer with the same bio.

I experience racism on a regular basis in this country. It is usually fairly subtle. No one is yelling the n-word at me or refusing to serve me but I would almost rather have that. When sales people don't wait on me in the store but ask other customers several times if they need assistance, that is racism. Or when those same sales people show up at the end of every aisle that your shopping in because they think you're going to rob the store, that is racism. When people meet me for the first time after only speaking to me on the phone or communicating with me via e-mail and tell me I don't sound black, like its some sort of compliment, that is racism. When people assume that I'm the secretary when they walk into my office because I'm the only black person there, that is racism. When complete strangers feel comfortable asking me if I'm the first person in my family to go to college despite the fact that black people have been graduating from college in this country since 1823, that is racism. When people assume that I grew up in the inner city, that I listen to rap music and that I have certain cultural and political views solely based on the color of my skin, that is racism.

It is no surprise that there isn't a large civil rights movement in this country like there was in the 1960's. Most people don't even know that this racism exists because it isn't reported. I don't know what its going to take for this country to take a serious look at itself and for people to be outraged. I am almost afraid of what sort of catastrophe would need to happen to spark a civil rights movement

Me and the Girl Scouts

I am currently reading Jen Lancaster's latest book "Pretty in Plaid". Lancaster is one of my favorite authors because she humorously reminisces about her life. It's a memoir and a comedy/self-help book all rolled into one. This book focuses on how Lancaster developed her sense of style when she was a young child. She talks about being a Girl Scout and wanting to have tons of badges on her sash to spice up her uniform. She forged her mom's signature on several check lists to pretend like she had completed all of these badges and presented them to her troop leader. Even though her troop leader suspected that she was lying she gave her the patches. Eventually, Lancaster feels guilty about lying and starts earning some of the patches that she has lied to get.

I was a Girl Scout for six years. I was a Brownie for two years, then a Junior for three years and a Cadette for 1 year. In addition to being a Girl Scout, I attended 4-H camp with my school for 9 years. Usually the camping, crafts and wilderness survival tasks that we did in 4-H were much more challenging than those that we did in Girl Scouts. I don't think I ever liked Girl Scouts because I found very few girls that I had things in common with and I found a lot of the troop leaders to be rude and cliquey. Most of the girls went to public school together so they knew each other outside of Girl Scouts and their parents knew each other too. My mom worked full time, was a caregiver for my father and was raising my brother who was 5 years younger than me. She didn't have time to volunteer so she rarely came to many of the events. Because I went to private school I had a completely different group of friends than the other girls in my troop. I was also the only black girl in every troop I was ever in. That would not have been a big deal if I bonded with the girls but because I already felt like an outsider it only made me feel more excluded.

My mom loved the Girl Scouts. She thought it was a great organization. I think she secretly hoped that by hanging out with a bunch of girls that I would have more girl friends and be interested in doing more girl things. That definitely didn't happen. I wasn't allowed to quit the Girl Scouts until I switched over from private school to public school in 7th grade. I had to do one year as a Cadette and if I still didn't like it I could quit. That last year was brutal. I was getting used to public school and making friends and was embarrassed that I was still a Girl Scout at the age of 12. It was such a goody-goody prissy image that I didn't want to project. I definitely acted out in school to overcompensate for the Girl Scout stigma.

I have a number of awkward and unhappy memories from my years in the Girl Scouts. But the memory that sticks out the most in my mind is of my time as a Junior. I diligently completed 9 patches on summer vacation one year. My mom quizzed me on the checklists and looked at my projects to make sure that I had done everything required before she signed off on my patches. I presented my book to my troop leader at the end of the summer and she accused me of being a liar and said that I had not followed the correct procedure to get these badges. I had done everything like I had always done it and like the other girls in my troop did it. I couldn't wrap my little 10 year old brain around what I had done wrong. I was devastated. I never told my mom what happened. I'd like to believe that she would have done something about it but I can't be sure. After that my hatred for Girl Scouts grew exponentially. I had a big chip on my shoulder and put forth the least amount of effort with the most attitude at most Girl Scout events. Any fond memories that I had of Girl Scouts were erased from my memory.

I think that at some point my troop leader spoke to my mom and told her that Girl Scouts wasn't right for me. My mom hinted at this but never said it out right. I think that's why she gave me an out after 7th grade. She thought that maybe once I became a Cadette and had a new troop leader and met new girls that I would love it but I didn't and quit immediately after serving my one year sentence.

Looking back on it now its hard to imagine that race didn't play a role in the troop leader's decision to deny me the badges. If she thought I was lying why not talk to my mom? Had she done this to other girls? It didn't look like it; all my peers had several more badges than I did. It was so embarrassing at events that I looked like a new or lazy Girl Scout because my sash was so empty. Did she talk to other girls' moms and recommend that their daughters quit? Maybe it was the combination of being black and in the upper middle class that bothered her. Maybe she wanted to send her kids to private school and couldn't afford it. Maybe it had nothing to do with race at all and she just didn't like me. I don't know how you could become a troop leader in charge of helping young girls develop in well rounded women and intentionally kill the spirit of one girl.

I hadn't thought about that in years but just reading that passage in the book reminded me of it. It's amazing how a memory that you have completely forgotten can come back to you in such vivid detail with the right trigger.

My Dream House

I grew up in a large house that my parents built on a couple acres of land in a northern Virgina. Beyond our property boundary was a pond and woods. Since there were no houses behind my house, the pond and the woods felt like an extension of our property. Since we lived on a cul-de-sac we also benefited from a bike bath that the town had put in to run from my neighborhood to several other neighborhoods and to the high school for kids who walked and biked to school. The bike path also lead to a basketball court and a creek. I have fond memories of riding my bike to my friends houses, walking to school for special events and wading in the water and playing basketball with my friends and family. We always had parties and barbecues at our house because it was a great location. I couldn't have asked for a better living situation.

Unfortunately, developers bought the property behind my house a couple years before my family moved out. They drained the pond and cleared out some of the wooded areas to make room for additional housing developments. The basketball court, creek and bike path are still there but perverts and other undesirables have taken over the wooded area surrounding the path so it isn't safe to explore any more. The man who bought our house ended up putting up a large fence to separate his property from these new unwelcome neighbors. I distinctly remember that the only houses that had fences when I was growing up had pools. It was sad to see that my idyllic little Virginia town now needed fences to protect its citizens from the outside world.

I have lived in apartments, townhouses and dorm rooms of various sizes over the years. I have lived in the city, in a college town, in both rich and poor suburbs of major cities and dealt with all the good and bad things that come with each of them but nothing has come close to the house that I grew up in. The house that I live in now is very close to what I want. It provides more than enough room for my husband and I and our furry family to live comfortably. We have about an acre of land, an in ground pool and live a short drive away from a medium-sized city.

The only problem is that I live in a large neighborhood with hundreds of houses and am surrounded by major roads on all sides. If I could move my house to a more rural location and at least triple our current acreage I would be much happier. Unfortunately, all the areas where my husband and I have visited that fit this mold are not very diverse.

When my husband and I go to events in these towns I rarely see another non-white person and am blatantly stared at by complete strangers. When running in road races in these towns, I have seen people cheering for everyone in the race stop clapping when I pass by and avert their eyes only to hear the clapping start again after I pass. I try to say hello to everyone that stares at me but am often met with a blank stare. Didn't their mothers teach them that staring was rude? And be clear here, I'm not talking about children (while that happens as well) I am talking about adults.

Even people in the neighborhood that I live in now often express their surprise that I am educated and friendly. Apparently I do not live up to the stereotypes that they have collected after years of ignorant media images. The Cosby Show, A Different World, The Fresh Prince, these are all completely contradictory to the lives that some white people seem to think that black people live. I bought my house before I met my husband so the looks and comments that I got from contractors, neighbors, etc, while generally not blatantly racist, were completely ignorant and offensive. I'd like to think that I'm just being paranoid but my husband and friends have noticed these things when they're with me as well. I don't want to give the impression that these things happen every day or that no one is friendly but the ignorant, unfriendly people have a much greater impact on me. I can go weeks without a problem and then will be slapped in the face with such blatant racism that it makes me want to go in my house and never come out.

The beauty of Northern Virgina and many of the Washington, D.C. suburbs is that class is primarily dictated by money and not race. The D.C. suburbs are filled with politicians, diplomats, college professors and various other professionals who want a short commute to the city but don't want to live there. I was exposed to rich, middle class and lower income people among all races growing up. While there were plenty of incidents of people being racist towards me or my friends and family, I never felt like I wouldn't be able to live somewhere because of my race. The general openness of the most people outweighed the negativity of the ignorant few.

My husband and I have discussed moving closer to Rochester or Buffalo, much larger cities in upstate New York. Aside from the increased racial diversity, living close to a bigger city will also account for some of Syracuse's other shortcomings. The short list includes: bigger airports with cheaper flights and more possible destinations, a better selection of concerts and cultural events, a bigger selection of national restaurant and retail chains, black hair salons and stores that sell ethnic skin and beauty products, more job opportunities, alternative medical facilities and more social groups and clubs. We frequently drive for 90 minutes or more for many of these things.

Sadly in making this decision we will never be able to live as far from the city as we would like. I'm getting tired of being the ambassador for black people. Just once I'd like to move somewhere where people don't consider me a credit to my race, the exception to some rule, not like other black people, etc. It's hard to convey to other people how difficult it is to go through life listening to people talk about how racism is dead when I still deal with it on a regular basis. No matter how successful I am financially, I will never be able to live any where that I want without serious consequences to my emotional well being and that is depressing.

Black People Don't Listen to Country Music

Well that's not true actually. I am a black person and I love country music. Both of my parents are black people and they also listen to country. It is not all that I listen too but it is a good part of it. I have met black people who only listen to country and I would imagine that they have dealt with more scrutiny than I have.

Growing up in the south it seemed like everyone listened to a little country even if they didn't want to admit it. I was rarely the only black person at concerts or dance clubs. I always got a few looks but nothing nasty. People were actually generally nice to me and invited me and my friends to hang out with them. I was always asked to dance and I rarely felt excluded. It wasn't until I moved north of the Mason-Dixon that I started to feel like I was being judged and stared at for being the black person at the country shows.

I don't have any friends in New York who listen to country music so I no longer go line dancing or to many country concerts. My husband, who is white and doesn't listen to country music, went to see Rascal Flatts with me earlier this year because they are one of my favorite bands and I hadn't been to a country music show since college. I felt like I was the show. I could feel people staring at me for a lot longer than was polite. People weren't talking to me. I usually meet one or two new friends at concerts and we danced and sang songs together throughout the night. But any small talk that I initiated with my neighbors was met with silence and a cold stare. But to my credit, I danced and sang along to all the songs and had my own little party. It was a good time, not as good a time as it would have been with my friends in Virginia, but it was fun.

All black people listen to rap music. This isn't true. Have you seen MTV lately? A lot of rap videos and a lot of white viewers. Most of the cars that speed through my upper middle class neighborhood with their base booming and rap music blaring are white teenagers. Do you really think Jay Z, Snoop Dogg and other rap mega-superstars are famous by only having one minority group of the population listening to their music? My husband listens to a lot more rap and r & b music than I do which suprises people because apparently you only listen to music that is made by people who look exactly like you. That's like saying Obama is president because every black person in the country who voted, voted for him. Which is impossible; that would have left him with about 30% of the vote, certainly not enough to become president.

Korn. Rob Zombie. Garth Brooks. Alan Jackson. Indigo Girls. Tori Amos. John Mayer. Luther Vandross. A Tribe Called Quest. All concerts that I have been to and loved. My musical tastes span across several genres. So I would encourage the ignorant people to open your closed minds and get past your stereotypes. You might realize that you have more in common than you think with people that look different from you. And if you get out of your box and extend a little kindness you might make a new friend and teach some of the other ignorant people a lesson.

My Love Hate Relationship with My Hair

This is nothing new. I hear tons of black women complain about their hair on a regular basis. This is my own personal story. It only represents me and not the millions of other women who may love/hate their hair more/less than I do for different reasons.

I have very thick hair. I have all of my life. I inherited it from my mother. My mother will tell you that her hair is the only thing that she ever got from her father. Most of the women on my maternal grandmother's side of the family have thin , shiny black hair. I remember my grandmother calling this Indian (Native American) hair when I was little. I was always so jealous of this Indian hair because it seemed so easy to maintain. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that most of my relatives wore wigs because they hated having thin, delicate hair and felt they had few style options. The grass is always greener I guess.

As a child, I would sit on the floor while my mother parted my hair into four sections and put my hair into 4 thick braided ponytails. I remember the rubber band like hair accessories with large globes on each end that my mom used at the base of the ponytail. It looked like I had gumballs in my hair of all different shapes and sizes. And then at the end of each ponytail, there were these little barrettes that were alligators or fruit or some other crazy design. I looked like a Christmas tree. This was the standard little black girl hair style in the 80's (it is still pretty common). Depending on how thick your hair was or how creative your mother was you may have more of less braids but it was still the same basic style. I remember feeling sorry for some of the other girls whose parents split their hair into 8 or more ponytails. I'm sure if the parents knew their children were teased with the nickname of Medusa at school they would have changed the hair style but kids are so evil they probably would have found something else to tease them about.

I attended private school until 7th grade. I can remember being one of only a handful of black children in my school and I was almost always the only one in my class. I remember people would frequently touch my hair or pull my ponytails sometimes out of cruelty but usually out of ignorance. Like most black women I know, my mom greased my hair every day to prevent my scalp from becoming too dry and to keep my hair healthy. So in addition to the unwanted attention that I was already getting for being different there were usually the yells of "Eew what's in your hair" that made me want to disappear. I was paranoid that if I leaned against a chair or laid back completely in the doctor's office I would leave behind a greasy mark (because sometimes I did) . I was always careful not to lean back too far or to wipe any where that I sat after I got up before anyone could see.

On special occasions my mom would straighten my hair. This involved placing a hot comb on the burner for 10 minutes and then slowly combing my hair with it to make my kinky hair straight. I can still remember the sound of the hair grease sizzling as smoke rose from my head. The smell of burning hair is a very common memory from my childhood. This step was followed by using a curling iron to curl the ends under so my hair wouldn't stick straight out from my head. I loved having my hair straight because I looked more like my white friends. My hair appeared to be thinner and longer and it moved when my head moved. I loved whipping my head around fast when people called my name because it felt like my hair moved just like the white women in the TV commercials. Unfortunately a little bit of rain or sweat was all it took to ruin my hair. I used shower caps, swim caps and coats with hoods to try and protect my hair but inevitably it would get wet and return to it's naturally kinky state.

My mom washed my hair once a week so we had to deal with the wet hair party on a regular basis. After washing my hair, it usually takes 20 minutes to comb all the tangles out and then another 60 minutes to blow dry it. Then it's back to hair grease and ponytails or on to the curling iron and straightening comb for another hour of styling. My mom started having my hair put in cornrows in the summer when I was swimming multiple times a week and maintaining my hair was too much to deal with. This drew even more attention because of the Stevie Wonder beads at the end of each braid that clicked every time I moved my head. Inevitably I would lose a line of beads on the school bus or in the middle of class. I would try to sink as low in my seat as possible as the beads clanked loudly on the floor.

I got my first relaxer in 4th grade. A relaxer is chemical hair straightening that you have to do every 6-12 weeks to fight the naturally kinkiness of your hair. It makes the hair much easier to maintain and eliminates the need for a straightening comb. The hair is less kinky when its wet but still a pain to deal with and the blowdry and styling time are virtually the same. The attention that I got when I went from the globed ponytails and the cornrows was nothing compared to the attention that my new hair do received. Imagine a 9 year old girl with Oprah Winfrey's early hair style at a mostly white upper middle class private school in Virginia. I looked like a young professional. Most of the comments were "Is that your real hair", "What happened to your hair" or just plain laughter. For some reason this hair style made my classmates, teachers and complete strangers feel like they had the right to touch my hair even more. Because I was different and they wanted to focus on how different I was I suddenly became an exhibit at the zoo. The "Eew what's in your hair" comments were still there along with the "Oh your hair is so soft/coarse/thick" comments. Did people really think that comparing my hair to steel wool, a horses tail and doll hair wouldn't permanently damage me?

My worst memory is a sleepover at my best friend Lisa's house. I think I was about 8 years old at the time. Me and five other girls went swimming and ate junk food and fell asleep watching stupid movies. I remember Lisa's mom struggling to do my hair in the morning and eventually just giving up and pulling the frizzy air-dried chlorinated mess into a very bushy ball at the top of my head. She didn't have the tools or the knowledge to deal with my kinky hair. My mom was mortified when she picked me up. It took twice as long as normal to tame my hair. It was around that time that I learned how to manage my hair on my own.

Imagine my surprise when I entered public school in 7th grade and found that there were hundreds of people who looked just like me and had the same hair issues as I did. That seemed to be the only thing I had in common with most of my black classmates. I don't remember it being a conscious choice but I would assume that my early education or my social class or a combination of the two lead me to go through life with most of my friends being white. So I continued to be one of only a handful of black people in my advanced placement classes, in the marching band, in the honor society, on the lacrosse team.....you get the point. Luckily most of my peers had grown up around people of different races in public school so the ignorant comments were less frequent but they were still there and I can still vividly remember ever single incident when someone said something.

I spent most of my life living with relaxed hair with the occasional months of cornrows with hair extensions in the summers because it was easier to maintain. By my sophomore year in college I was starting to gain a better sense of who I was as a person and I realized that I didn't have to wear my hair like everyone else. During my freshman year in college I had let go of my high school boyfriend and many of the labels that people had placed on me over the years. I felt reborn so at 19 I cut off my shoulder blade length hair so pixie length. My high school friends and ex-boyfriend freaked out. "You were so much prettier with long hair" actually became a common phrase among people who had known me for years. But I noticed that my newer friends loved my short hair and I got lots of compliments on how great it looked. For the next 10 years I would alternate between letting my hair grow back for 2 years and then cutting it all off. The shock value of cutting off a foot of hair was fabulous because each time there was a new group of friends who never saw me with short/long hair and each reacted to the changes differently. The main thing for me was that I had control of my hair and did whatever I wanted whether society thought it was appropriate for me or not.

When I was 21 I stopped relaxing my hair. I started braiding it when it was wet so that I would have big wavy hair when it dried, almost like it was crimped all the time. The years of relaxing my hair had destroyed it so, to truly go natural, I had to cut it all off. I loved how curly my hair was naturally. I couldn't believe that I had spent years killing what I was blessed to have naturally. Of course, natural hair is just as different to many people as my ponytails, cornrows and relaxers were in my childhood. People think its okay to touch my hair all the time and I get really pissed off when they do. How would you like it if every day someone pointed out what makes you different by patting you on the head like a dog and making ignorant comments? How would you feel if something that was part of who you are was all some people could focus on whenever they saw you? I wish I could say all this ignorance came at the hands of white people but many black men seem to think this is an acceptable thing to do as well and it pisses me off.

The problem with short hair is that you have to do it every day. If I put on a baseball cap or bandanna I was often mistaken for a boy from behind. I missed being able to put my hair into a ponytail or being able to straighten it for special occasions. So I have let my hair grown since 2005 without a significant hair cut. At this point my hair is near the middle of my back when its straightened but is typically right around my shoulders when wavy. If I'm feeling really motivated and really do my hair the curls can tighten up to make my hair chin length. This of course leaves the none-curly haired folks to think that I have gotten a hair weave or am wearing a wig which leaves people to touch and pull my hair to check if its real.

I have no idea how to style my hair because no one ever taught me. I usually wet it and then put in conditioner or defrizz serum and then let it air dry. Of course this continues my aversion from sitting back all the way in chairs or leaning back at the doctors office for fear of leaving a wet spot. It takes a few hours for my hair to dry if I wear it down. If I wear my hair in a ponytail it will still be wet by the end of the day. If I lean back against my hair before it is dry it will ruin my style and my hair will be flat on that side. The problem with having thick hair is that it quickly takes shape so the 10 minute drive to work is long enough to ruin my hair if I lean all the way back in my seat. I have been keeping chiropractors and massage therapists in business for years because of my chronically sore shoulders and neck from leaning forward for half of my life. I have yet to find a hair stylist who specializes in natural hair and often get the recommendation that I should relax or at least blow dry my hair on a regular basis. I have only recently discovered Curly Nicky's blog and NaturallyCurly.com and am starting to experiment with different styling options. I wish that I could get the fabulous waves that I see on celebrities like Mariah Carey or Alica Keys but am reminded by my friends that these women are of direct mixed race (white mother, black father or vice versa) where as my mixing is dispersed through previous generations and the kinky hair gene is apparently too dominant to overcome. So the only way to get nice waves is to get a relaxer and then have rod curlers put in every week (like Oprah wears her hair these days) and go back to the miserable days of blow drying and styling my hair or to change my DNA. Neither are very likely.

I consider myself low maintenance and have no desire to go back to the high maintenance lifestyle of long relaxed hair or the frequent trips to the salon and daily styling that are required for short hair. I am happy to see so many black women around me have embraced wearing their hair naturally so I don't stand out so much. Just like everything else in life I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually but please, don't pet me. I'm not a dog. And I have so many years of baggage built up that I just might punch you.

Black American not African American

In my June 7, 2009 Sunday paper there was an article about interracial couples. I was excited to see this article because I myself am in an interracial marriage. But I was disappointed by the way that the author described the people in the article. I wrote a letter to the editor, expressing my views but the paper chose not to publish it. I figured that they had received so many responses that they opted for one more articulate than mine. Unfortunately, this was not the case.

I went to the website for the newspaper and found that several other people had the same opinion that I had but the newspaper chose not to publish their thoughts either. On one hand, I can understand the newspaper choosing not to publish my letter in the print version of the newspaper since the same view had already been expressed online. But, on the other hand, most of the people in my area read the print version of the paper and will never see those comments. The newspaper's decision not to publish my letter was cowardly if it was done to prevent conflict.

So for my own satisfaction, my letter is attached below:


While Ngoc Huynh's article “Three generations, three stories” was well-intentioned, it perpetuates a inaccurate label that has become the norm in this county: All black people are African American. When he describes the two Caucasians, he identifies that they are of Dutch and French descent and Italian, Irish, Polish and Canadian Mohawk descent but the black people are just listed as African American.
An African American is a person who emigrated from Africa and moved to America. The Lost Boys of Sudan are African Americans. There are many African Americans who live in this country who are not black. When you fill out a job application the choices aren't Polish, Irish, Italian, etc. They are Caucasian and African American Why not Caucasian and black? The color of a person's skin might provide some insight into where a person is from but it doesn't define their entire make up. Unless a person is Native American, their ancestors emigrated to this country which defines most Americans.
I don't understand the necessity to marginalize an entire group of people as less American simply because of the color of their skin. When I go to other countries no one ever asks me if I'm from Africa. I have been mistaken for German and Spanish, among other nationalities, while traveling outside of the US and it is a refreshing change. In this country, I would be considered less American than an immigrant from Egypt because my skin is darker than theirs. My ancestors were of German, African and American Indian descent from what I have uncovered from my family tree so far and I honor all of them. My skin is brown so in this country I am just African American. This label denies my rich cultural history and reduces me to less American than my Caucasian counterparts.

The original article can be found at www.syracuse.com/cny