Women

I've had a lifelong battle with other women.  I don't feel like I fit in with large groups of women.  It always feels like they are obsessed with trivial things that I don't care about.  In my experience, women seem focused on making other women look/feel bad and not on supporting each other.  When I'm traveling, I've learned that I will enjoy my night much better if I spend it alone at a restaurant or in my hotel room.  The alternative of going out to dinner with a bunch of women who I can't trust and don't have anything in common with.   
 
I met a woman through mutual work friend.  She worked for a local engineering firm and was the only women of color in her office, much like me.  During a conference we ended up spending a couple hours getting to know each other.  We found out that we both loved running, dogs and Asian food. We agreed to meet together once a week to walk our dogs.  We ended up running or having lunch together once a week as well.  She had some annoying habits but overall she was someone that I enjoyed hanging out with. 

One morning I got to the park at our designated time and she wasn't there.  I texted her and she responded: "It's raining.  I don't walk in the rain".   Were her dogs aware of this?  Apparently they no longer need to go to the bathroom or get exercise when it's raining.  Let me be clear, this was not a monsoon.  Here in Syracuse, we are known for some really terrible weather.  This was a light rain on a beautiful spring day.  A lot of other people were at the park working out.  No one else seemed to think this was stay at home weather.

The fact that she didn't have the courtesy to call me to let me know she wasn't coming and that she would just let the time pass and assume that I would be okay with it because it was raining is ridiculous.  I hung out with her a handful of times after this.  Each time I saw her after that was less enjoyable than the last.  Suddenly her flaws become hard to ignore.  She was a bad dog parent.  She was materialistic and obsessed with impressing the other wives of her husband's co-workers.  She was trying to use my connections to gain traction at work.  I'm sure these problems existed before but I let them go because there were positive things to balance them out.  Eventually I stopped hanging out with her completely.  She ended up moving across the state when her husband got a better job.  I haven't spoken to her in years but she does occasionally pop up in my Facebook feed.  Every post reminds me of why she and I could never be friends.  

I have met several women through online running groups.  I love these groups because we are all going for the same goals and everyone is extremely positive and supportive.  As a person who typically runs alone, these groups give me a sense of community.  Every once in a while I meet these women in person by running in a relay together or having dinner before/after a race.  And every time, I feel left out, annoyed, bored, etc. 

From women "forgetting" to pay their race/hotel/rental car fees to women being selfish and not considering the needs/wants of other people in the group, they are consistently unbearable.  This has been easier to avoid since most of the groups also have male members.  I find that I am often the only woman in a group of men or that I am waiting/commiserating with the men in the group while the women are being annoying.  I am generally the wife who is hanging out with the husbands at weddings, Christmas parties, etc. 

I'm sure there are great women out there but my life has been full of unreliable women.  Even in cases when I have women that I would consider to be my friends, I can never completely let my guard down with them.  I cannot cry on their shoulders and count on them to support me the way that I support them or the way that my male friends support me.  I'd like to think that there are other women out there like me but really, at this point, I don't care.  I'm too old for this shit.   

Weak Women in Print

It feels like every book that I have read lately revolves around a collection of weak women.  They are either victims of some sort of abuse or completely dependent on men for every aspect of their lives. This is the narrative:

My husband doesn't respect or treat me well but I'd be lost without a man to do everything for me.  I don't know how to navigate this world without my big strong husband to make me feel safe.  I am of course the mother of daughters who are somehow strong and independent despite not having a strong female role model (like their mother).  I am resentful and bitter.  But when I am left alone (husband leaves me either tragically or voluntarily) I must learn to survive without him guiding me.  I went to college and had a career but I left all that behind to support my man.  Now I've been out of the work force for a decade and am not qualified to do anything but whine and lament the loss of my rock.   How much is our mortgage? Who is the insurance company? Oh woe is me how to deal with all these things alone.  No, I didn't work or pay attention to household finances.  I was planning parties or hanging out with the other PTA moms at the gym/ Target/Starbucks.  Gimme a break.

I'm so over the weak female lead in every novel.  The supporting female characters are generally catty, hateful bitches who are just as weak and inept as the main character, making it impossible for them to be a good friend to them.  The worst of it is that most of these novels are written by women.  Seriously, is that how you view women or worse yet yourself?  Is this the image of women that you want to put out into the world?  Are these the only type of women that you think people will find interesting or believable?  This weakness is rarely important to the story.  But yet it is always there.

I often find myself running a Bechdel test in my head.  Can two female characters have a dialogue without talking about a man?  In my own personal take on the Bechdel test I also look for conversations between women that don't revolve around their children.  Enough already.  Women are not weak, baby-making waifs whose can't tie their shoes without a Xanax and a man.  I like my characters likable, maybe even relatable.  What I don't like is hating a character and celebrating all the bad things that are happening to her.  Hoping the next book I read breaks this trend.