Self Conscious in the City

I am super important.  At least that's what my subconscious thinks. In my brain everyone is always looking at me and judging me.  I'm not sure when this phenomenon started but I'd sure like to make it stop.  

Yesterday I went to spinning class with my husband for the first time in a year and a half.  I always struggle when I ride a bike because I can never get the seat comfortable or I'm gripping the handle bars too hard (both leaving me sore for days after).  I have been told that biking once a week will reduce my running injuries and improve my overall muscle tone. I know this true because I can feel the changes in my body after just a few weeks back on the wagon.     This is what should have been going through my head last night.  I should have just listened to the instructors voice, enjoyed the loud music and the dimly lit room and gotten in the zone.  Instead this is what was going through my brain: Why didn't I wear a more supportive bra? Does anyone notice how much my boobs are shaking?  Am I pedaling fast enough? Do I look like I'm working as hard as everyone else? Is the instructor watching me? Does she think I'm pedaling fast enough? Is my stomach hanging out? 

A similar dialogue runs through my mind in almost every other situation in my life.  This leads to headaches, back pain, depression, heart palpitations, panic attacks and so much more.  I have been working on daily yoga and meditation and putting myself in situations where I am not comfortable while pushing myself not hide in the corner.  I am definitely a work in progress.  Sometimes I have good days, other times not so good. 

When I was single I was so much more self confident.  I went places by myself.  I did challenging home improvement projects alone.  I was kind of a bad ass.  But I was also lonely, a workaholic and a heavy drinker.  Somewhere in the middle there is a healthy 37 year old woman just dying to get out.  I think people say that 40 is so fabulous because you finally leave all this immature B.S. behind and you're ready to kick life in the ass.  I sure hope I figure it out before then.    

Jason Collins

The back page of Sports Illustrated used to be my favorite part of the magazine.  Rick Reilly would write editorials that made you cry, think or laugh (sometimes all at the same time).  Since Reilly left for ESPN the back page has been largely unforgettable.  Various sportswriters take turns at the back page now with varying levels of success. Sometimes there is a Reilly-esque piece but just as often there is a piece that doesn't hold my interest.  I'm happy to say that this week was one of the better ones.  

In the September 16 issue of Sports Illustrated Phil Taylor wrote about Jason Collins, the first openly gay NBA player.  His argument is that people said they supported Collins in May when he first came out don't really support him because no one has added them to their team.  My first instinct was to disagree with him. If Collins wasn't talented enough or didn't fit a vital role on a team why would a GM waste the $1.4M veteran minimum on him?  Collins is not a superstar.  He is an average player that will come off the bench and score a few points a game.  Not exactly someone to build your team around.  

But then Phil Taylor brings up other average players that have been given contracts, specifically Juwan Howard and Marcus Camby, despite their lack of production.  These players were given contracts because they were chasing a ring, because people liked them or because of the leadership that they could provide off the court.  Every year some veteran retires after the NBA finals that I didn't even realize was still in the league. This veteran has finally made it to the finals and is ready to hang it up.  The player didn't play a significant roll in the team's success.  This player is way past his prime or his prime wasn't good enough to turn him into a household name.  Yet this player's resume is now complete and he can ride off into the sunset feeling like a champion.

So why not Jason Collins?  Why not spend $1.4M to prove gay men and straight men can co-exist in a locker room and on the court?  Why not show young gay kids that there are no obstacles to their dreams? Why not show some closeted homophobic players that there is nothing to be afraid of?  That Collins isn't going to hit on them or turn them gay just by being there.  That Collins is a man and an athlete before anything else and that his sexuality doesn't make him less of either.  

I hope that Taylor's piece makes one GM go for it.  It would be a step in the right direction for the sports world and for society as a whole.  No matter what Collins or other gay athletes do on the court there will always be people who assume they are softer, weaker, less than non-gay athletes.  But, much like the black quarterback argument, at least they will be in the conversation and given a chance to prove people wrong. 

Coping with Stress at Work

I have been absent-minded with work lately.  I'll make a snap decision that comes back to bite me in the ass and then look back and realize there was a better decision that I could have made to avoid all the drama. The problem is that my bosses have gotten involved because I involved them.  I alerted them to a situation that I could have resolved on my own.  And in doing that, I brought additional scrutiny to everything else that I do.  The benefit of working remotely is that I don't have people breathing over my shoulder watching me work.  Now I feel like I have to justify every move I make because I'm so far away and they can't check up on me in person. 

I have done this not once but three times since my last group meeting.  Once a quarter everyone comes into the office to review things with the bosses and to catch up with each other.  That meeting is taking place this week, while things are still hot from all my screw ups.

My stress level has gone through the roof.  I am normally very stressed out about things that most people would just blow off.  But now that I actually have something to legitimately stress over, it has taken over my life.  I can't sleep, exercise, read, anything without running through one doomsday prophecy after another about how badly my bosses are going to come down on me.  I have imaginary scenarios that play out and in my brain.  I have responses to every imaginary argument that is brought up; like somehow this will prepare me for an in person argument.  

I have a bad habit of crying when I am in stressful situations.  It happened in college and graduate school when I was called out.  It happened at my old job.  It happens when I argue with people.  I don't think I'm upset in a way that would warrant crying.  I think I am just wound up so tight and can't say what I really am thinking so it comes out as tears.  It's frustration more than anything.  But it paints me as weak, a crier, a chick.  If I could tell someone off and get everything off my chest or, better yet, punch someone, I don't think I would lose it.  But of course these aren't realistic options.  So I have to figure out how I'm going to make it through the next two days, where I will surely be confronted face to face by my bosses, without losing it.  

Positive Thinking

The list of things that I want to improve in my life gets longer every day.  I am disappointed in myself for not following through on my own expectations.  But I'm not going to focus on that.  I'm going to start fresh today. I'm not going to make some big list of all the things that I'm going to work on or set some deadline for success like I normally do.  This time I am not going to set myself up for failure.  I'm just going to start fresh today.  I am going to do my best to stop dwelling on all the things that I haven't done in the past or all the things that I need to do in the future.  I am going to work on one thing at a time.  I am going to rebuild my confidence and my life in baby steps.  

This week my only daily goal is to meditate.  To relax, breathe and think.  I know that when I am more balanced I will be more successful at everything else that I need to do.       

Race and the College Graduate

In a recent issue of USA Today there was a statistic indicating that more black Americans were getting degrees than every before.  In 2012 the U.S. Census Bureau reported that 21% of blacks 25 years or older had 4 years of college or more.  My immediate question was how does this compare to other ethnic groups.  By reporting only the numbers for one group, the newspaper paints an incomplete picture.  Is that a low number?  Don't all kids go to college after high school at this point?

Looking deeper into the same census shows that only 33.5% of all Americans aged 25 to 29 have earned at least a bachelor's degree. The college graduation rates across all racial groups have increased.  Socioeconomic status is the biggest indicator of whether or not someone will be successful in college.  If someone comes from a low income family they are less likely to graduate from high school, attend college and graduate from college.  More affluent states have significantly higher graduation rates than poorer states.  

The fact that only about a third of the population has a college degree is something we should care about as a country.  We are constantly hearing reports about how American children are not as smart those in other countries.  What is being done to bridge this gap?  That is the article I wanted to read.  I'm sick of hearing skewed statistics about minorities that reinforce the assumption that we are less educated than whites.  

Wild by Cheryl Strayed

I am halfway through reading Wild by Chery Strayed.  I have been trying to fight the urge to read this book for months.  Lately it seems like the more hype a book gets, the less that it deserves.  I have yet to read a single Oprah's book club selection that I have enjoyed.   Entertainment Weekly, Time Magazine, Oprah, Amazon, etc  were all telling me that I had to read this book.  So I finally broke down and bought it. 

This book is a memoir. Cheryl's mother dies from cancer and, as a result, her barely stable hold on life completely falls appart.  She sabotages her marriage.  She becomes promiscuous.  She has an abortion.  She starts using heroin.  She hits her low point and decides to hike the Pacific Coast trail alone.  She doesn't know anything about hiking before starting this journey.  She is not a fitness buff.  She doesn't appropriately prepare for the journey and starts the hike overwhelmed with heavy equipment and emotional baggage.

Initially I felt like Cheryl had an overreaction to fairly normal life events.  Many of us has lost a parent too young or lost a friend to cancer.  We didn't self destruct.  I'll admit it took me several chapters to stop judging Cheryl and start rooting for her.  Everyone has their own reaction to life's tragedies.  It isn't my place to decide what those reactions are or how dramatic a reaction is permitted for each circumstance. 

I know that this is one of my personality flaws.  I judge people based on what they do vs. what I think I would do in the same situation.  When people do this to me it drives me crazy.  Telling me how much I will love children because they love children.  How my fear of heights will go away once I enjoy the beauty that surrounds me on the top of a bungee cord or zip line.  How they never wanted to run a marathon either until one day they just did.  It is exactly the same thing and I have to stop doing it to other people.

Cheryl has been on the trail for a little over 2 weeks when she realizes that she hasn't cried at all during the trip.  She says to herself "This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I haven't cried".  Then she quickly corrects herself.  Of course the death of her mother and all of the other things she went through prior to her journey were much harder.  But maybe they were harder in a different way.  She takes pride in the physical and mental strength that she has developed during the trip.  She gains confidence in realizing that she must be a strong to overcome so much and not feel sorry for herself or give up.  She finds that by working through the rigors of the trail, she doesn't have time to wallow in the disspointments from her past.  What a brilliant epiphany.

It is also around this time that you find out that Strayed is not her original last time.   She picked a new last name coming out of her divorce.  She couldn't go back to the girl that she was before marriage but couldn't continue to keep her married name either.  Cheryl looked in the dictionary and selected strayed.  The dictionary definition suited her perfectly.  Because Cheryl had strayed and now she was determined to find herself.  I love that. 

It made me think of what my last name would be if I looked over my life.  Was there one unifying theme that played across all the major tragedies in my life?  My father's illness and death.  My mother's neglect.  My brother's mental illness.  My self destructive behavior.  My hyper sensitivity to what people say/think.  My inability to relax or let things go.  Control freak.  Ball of nervous energy.  Insecurity.  All of these things have been eased by running, martial arts and zumba but it is safe to say that I am still working through my shit. 

What is it that I do?  I explode.  I accuse. I internalize.  I confront.  I justify.  I react.  Sometimes these actions scare people away (which is what I think I want them to do).  Other times they prevent me from accepting/trying/doing something that I am uncomfortable with.  Or, worse yet, I don't do anything to change my circumstances and just tolerate a likely preventable situation that I should walk away from.  I am somewhere between repel and withstand.  I would say Denise Suffers but she doesn't have to. 

Still Not Getting It

I was excited when I saw an article about running in last week's Sports Illustrated.  Mud, Sweat and Beers by Austin Murphy started with promise but quickly fizzled.  It is further proof that this author and many others just don't get it. 

The article indicates that there is a big running boom going on right now.  The gimmicky races like the Mud Runs and Color Runs have encouraged a lot of people who never thought about running to come out and party.  Not to mention runs that benefit specific charities.  I don't disagree with any of this.  A lot of my friends and co-workers were lured to running by these races that promise a unique experience.  Personally, these races don't appeal to me because of all the hoopla.  But anything that gets people off their asses is a good thing. 

Throughout the article the author differentiates between serious runners or competitors and the rest of the pack.  He considers serious runners to be people who are fast and thin.  Anyone who isn't in competition for a medal isn't a serious runner.  The author also makes several references to the rest of the pack being overweight, out of shape, just there for a t-shirt, not serious. 

Murphy implies that the standards of the running community have been lowered to encourage non-serious runners to compete; road races generate a lot of money and more people equals more money.  Yes, there are more people running now than before but there have always been people of all shapes, sizes and paces participating in road races.  The change is in the attitude of the running community at large.  

In the past when I went to be fitted for running shoes, the running shoe specialist immediately assumed I was a walker.  When I went out to participate in training runs with the local running club they had pace groups up to 8 or 9 minute miles and the rest of us had to fend for ourselves.  My self esteem was already low and this sort of snobbery only made me feel worse about myself.  

During the past couple of years, running community has become more inclusive.  When I go to a training run no one is left behind.  I don't know why this has changed.  Maybe reality shows like Made, Extreme Weight Loss and The Biggest Loser have pumped us up to root for the underdog and to not judge people based on their appearance if they are trying to be better.  

I have been a serious runner for 25 years.  I run 2-4 days a week and compete in several road races every year.  I have never been fast or thin but I don't waddle or have my gut hanging over my shorts as Murphy would have you believe.  A lot of thin people finish after me and lot of heavy people finish before me.  The average race awards the top three people in each age group.  That's maybe 60 people at a large race.  So outside of those 60 people no one else is a serious runner?   Maybe 5% of the field is in competition for a medal.  The other 95% is comprised of people going for personal records, running for the love of it, running for their health, and yes, maybe for a t-shirt and a stale bagel afterward.  

It is always disappointing when a large publication like Sports Illustrated takes a fringe athletic event and completely misses the opportunity to properly represent it.  This article will validate what running snobs think and make average runners feel invisible and judged.  Way to go SI.