I have done this not once but three times since my last group meeting. Once a quarter everyone comes into the office to review things with the bosses and to catch up with each other. That meeting is taking place this week, while things are still hot from all my screw ups.
My stress level has gone through the roof. I am normally very stressed out about things that most people would just blow off. But now that I actually have something to legitimately stress over, it has taken over my life. I can't sleep, exercise, read, anything without running through one doomsday prophecy after another about how badly my bosses are going to come down on me. I have imaginary scenarios that play out and in my brain. I have responses to every imaginary argument that is brought up; like somehow this will prepare me for an in person argument.
I have a bad habit of crying when I am in stressful situations. It happened in college and graduate school when I was called out. It happened at my old job. It happens when I argue with people. I don't think I'm upset in a way that would warrant crying. I think I am just wound up so tight and can't say what I really am thinking so it comes out as tears. It's frustration more than anything. But it paints me as weak, a crier, a chick. If I could tell someone off and get everything off my chest or, better yet, punch someone, I don't think I would lose it. But of course these aren't realistic options. So I have to figure out how I'm going to make it through the next two days, where I will surely be confronted face to face by my bosses, without losing it.
